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First of all I would like to say that this forum is an amazing place to come for all sorts of information! I found this site a while ago and have been reading all of your stories. They have helped a lot. I would like to tell my story and see if anyone has any advice for me.
My partner was adopted from birth into an amazing family. He only found his birth family 8 years ago when he was 33. When he did find them he found out that his parents went onto be married for 20 years and had 3 girls after he was born. They had given him up as his mother was too young at the time. He moved to the city that his birth family lived in. This cause a lot of tension between him and his adopted Mum for a while as she felt that he was moving away from her just to be with them. After a while it seems that everyone accepted the fact and everyone was happy. Fast forward to now 8 years later...
We have been seeing each other for about a year and a half, live together and travel together. Until now I thought that we got along so well - we have the same sense of humor etc and just seem to be well suited - even though we are very different in many ways.
About two months ago I started to realise that things were changing. He wasn't as affectionate as usual so I said something about it and told him to have a think about what is going on. Not long later he hit me with the "I don't know if I can love you the way that you need to be loved", the "I have to work out how in love I am with you" lines. I was devastated - everything was going fine until then. We are still together and living together but things obviously aren't the same before. I have since found out that he has lied to me on a couple of occasions - this really hurt me beyond belief.
I started researching the whole adoption thing and when I found this forum I was amazed at the stories that kinda seem similar to mine. I mentioned a few things on this site to him and he said "That sounds like me whole life". We have talked more about the adoption and he agrees that he has not dealt with a lot of it. He thought it was all over when he met his family 8 years ago.
I guess I just want to know am I dealing with something normal here from an adopted partner? I have hung in this relationship as I think that it is not worth giving up on. He even thanked me the other day for not giving up on him.
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated :)
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sarahk80
First of all I would like to say that this forum is an amazing place to come for all sorts of information! I found this site a while ago and have been reading all of your stories. They have helped a lot. I would like to tell my story and see if anyone has any advice for me.
My partner was adopted from birth into an amazing family. He only found his birth family 8 years ago when he was 33. When he did find them he found out that his parents went onto be married for 20 years and had 3 girls after he was born. They had given him up as his mother was too young at the time. He moved to the city that his birth family lived in. This cause a lot of tension between him and his adopted Mum for a while as she felt that he was moving away from her just to be with them. After a while it seems that everyone accepted the fact and everyone was happy. Fast forward to now 8 years later...
We have been seeing each other for about a year and a half, live together and travel together. Until now I thought that we got along so well - we have the same sense of humor etc and just seem to be well suited - even though we are very different in many ways.
About two months ago I started to realise that things were changing. He wasn't as affectionate as usual so I said something about it and told him to have a think about what is going on. Not long later he hit me with the "I don't know if I can love you the way that you need to be loved", the "I have to work out how in love I am with you" lines. I was devastated - everything was going fine until then. We are still together and living together but things obviously aren't the same before. I have since found out that he has lied to me on a couple of occasions - this really hurt me beyond belief.
I started researching the whole adoption thing and when I found this forum I was amazed at the stories that kinda seem similar to mine. I mentioned a few things on this site to him and he said "That sounds like me whole life". We have talked more about the adoption and he agrees that he has not dealt with a lot of it. He thought it was all over when he met his family 8 years ago.
I guess I just want to know am I dealing with something normal here from an adopted partner? I have hung in this relationship as I think that it is not worth giving up on. He even thanked me the other day for not giving up on him.
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated :)
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It's common among adoptees to have a fear of rejection, and some deal with that by (intentionally or otherwise) sabotaging relationships -- pushing those they love away before that person can leave them. It's a way of avoiding the possibility of pain from being rejected again. You might want to explore this with him, or encourage him to explore it with a counselor.
I've also heard of some who push others away as a test, to see if they're going to give up and leave or stick with it. This may also be a possibility here, since he does seem comforted by the fact that you've stuck with him through this.
Then again, it's possible that none of this applies to your situation, so take it all with a large grain of salt -- just saying what I've read about in a number of other situations.