Birthmom seeking adoptees' advise

I did not even read your letter,but I had a reaction ,or two just reading your post. First, I would have loved to have had a letter from my BMom,just to know that she loved me and chose to give me a better life than what she could give me at the time. I would think that at a young age it might be wise to pass the letter on to the Aparents and make the choice when to share it with your daughter. It would depend on what they have told her. I was always told I was a chosen child,not just one that came along. I hope you get my point here and I am not sounding hard. Good luck in your decision.

You don't sound hard at all. I welcome any and all advise! I sent two copies of the letter to the SW at the agency. One for her to forward to SE's parents and one for their files. I also enclosed a letter to SE's parents. I have always left all of SE's letters and cards unsealed so they can read them first. I would want to read them before handing them to my child if I was in their shoes. I fantasize and dream about much more, but what I am really seeking so desperately is to renew written contact with her mother. Se herself is in that middl;e ground right now. I thing reunions are often better when I child is really young or not until late teens onward. Kinda like a child accepting a step parent. At certain stages it is emensly more difficult to handle and process. That's why my letter was focused on how I feel about SE and not on asking anything from her other than for her to alway do what she needs to and to reassure her that I will love her no matter what she does or doesn't do. And to say that they are her parents in my eyes too. I feel if she doesn't look to them as 100% really her parents, then that would mean I failed her. That I didn't choose the right family for her. I never hurt me to see how happy they were. It reassured me and made me so proud that I succeeded in giving her that life.

I think it is great that you sent a letter. Just don't necessarily expect a reply but be confident in the fact that you sent it and your daughter will get it when the time is right. My birthmother wrote me a letter when I was 16, it was very innocent but my adoptive parents kept it from me since I was not yet 18. When I turned 18 there was miscommunication and they thought I wouldn't want it, which couldn't have been farther from the truth. Now, at almost 20 years old I have been reunited with my birthmother. She contacted me and I was extremely upset to find out that she thought I hated her and that I didn't want contact because I had never responded to her letter or got in contact with her. My adoptive parents say they sent a letter to her through the agency explaining they wouldn't give it to me right away but "when I was ready". My point is that things get lost in translation so try not to worry yourself to death about what happens with the letter. Things can get complicated. I can't speak for your daughter but from my experience as a young adoptee I treasured everything from my birthmother, which wasn't a whole lot. Hopefully she will too...either way it will be important to her as part of her past whether she gets it openly or has to search for it. I think you did the right thing. In regards to your dreams for what could be I hope everything turns out as you wish, adoptions are a lot more open. I don't know the logistics of your adoption experience but I know my adoptive parents felt very over-protective of me which is why they chose to keep a lot from me. This ment a lot less communication then I'm sure my birth mother wanted (I have several letters asking for letters and photos and I know not all of them were answered). However my biological history is not the happiest so I can understand my adoptive parents hesitation. But now that I've confronted them and my birthmother got in contact with me things have been a lot more open. I can't speak for the people in your life but hopefully it will all work out for you...just try not to get upset if it doesn't happen right away. For all the bad things in my life I truly believe that what will be will be and, somehow, in the end it is all for the best. Sorry if I wrote to much, but really I can only talk through my experience. Best wishes, B.Marie

I was touched by your statement that you want your bdaughter to think of her aparents as her real parents: "I feel if she doesn't look to them as 100% her real parents, then that would mean I failed her. That I didn't choose the right family for her." I often remind myself that my bmom (long deceased) surely felt the same -- she relinquished me to be the child of another couple -- that was her plan for me, and I honor her by being the best daughter I can. Sometimes it's hard because I get angry and feel lost, but I do try to remind myself that what I do for my parents, I do for her. Regarding your writing a letter, I think it's a great idea. I wish I had something tangible from my bmom. Of course, there's always the possibility that your bdaughter may never see it, but you have to hope for the best. When I was growing up in the 50's and 60's, my aparents told me nothing about my bmom, and they never told me that she had actually wanted to keep me. I think they just wanted me to feel like I was totally theirs. That was also the closed-era, and no one ever imagined that the adoptee could ever find bfamily. It's good that there will be another copy of the letter at the agency so she has another chance to read it if her aparents don't give her a copy.

Thank you for your kind words! The letter was sent to the agency and I called the SW on Dec 22. She said my letters were on the top of her desk and she'd get to it soon and call back. Well, I haven't heard back so yesterday I finally decided to mail out SE's yearly hallmark ornament. I sent it to their home and enclosed copies of letters that I had written in Dec and a new letter to her parents. Now to anxously await the conformation from the PO that it was delivered.....

Apparently my bmom wrote me a letter and handed it to the agency which handled my placement. Somehow, this letter is nowhere to be found...however, it has been 46 years. My adoptive parents were awesome...and I always knew I was adopted. However, I would've given ANYTHING to of had a letter...something tangible....words from where I came from. Even now, after finding my birth family, I would love to have that letter. It saddens me that my birthmom (now deceased) went her whole life thinking I saw that letter and chose not to contact her. For what it's worth, as long as the a family is okay with it, I feel it would be something that would help with her identity and feelings along the way.

If I were to have gotten a letter from my bmom I would have liked her to put EVERYTHING in it why I was adopted all medical history info about my bfamilly info about my bdad good or bad. For me I would have loved to have that and be able to digest it all in my own time and my own way rather than searching for her finding her then having it all come out in one big rush. Thats just me

I've let her parents know everytime I moved, got a new job, medical info came p, found her bdad again, etc. I wrote letters to her explaining some of the siruation and gave them to her parents at the time of placement. If they are open with her and give her the letters I've written over the years and share what I've shared with them, she should have a very complete picture. I hope they do that for her...

As an adoptee...I had a letter from my birth mother and my parents choose not to give it to me until I was 18. When I did get the letter, my mother also gave me the one she wrote to my parents. It helped me understand why she gave me up, where my birth father was and what not...although she left alot out which to me was understandable. When we met 3 years ago she was married( not to my birth father, which I assume from her letter she expected to marry) and had 2 sons, of course she didn't know that would happen when I was born. The letter she wrote to my parents was very detailed in how she wanted me brought up which I found funny because she did give me up so....I don't know how much that helps but that was my experience, now I'm in the process of finding my birth father so I'm going through it all over.

I am assuming you don't know if your daughter has been told she is adopted. You must find that out before communicating with her and the only way to do that is to contact her adoptive parents. They need to give their permission and be given some time to absorb and process the thoughts about their daughter being contacted by her biological mother. Because she is only 11 yrs old and/or she has never been told about being adopted, her adoptive parents are the only ones that will know best if and how they should approach her with this life changing information. Hopefully they told her when she was young enough to understand, yet young enough to accept it and go through life like every other child, with parents who love her and took care of her and that's all that matters. The older she gets, the more she would most likely want to connect, in some way, with you. It's just natural. She might be at that age right now and if she's very mature for her age, she will understand and be thankful that she has a birth mother who cares enough about her to never forget about her and who wants to communicate with her. She will understand and be grateful that you wanted her to be with a family who was able to take care of her in a way that you couldn't at the time. I am very excited for her and for you if it works out. I would like to read your letter if I may. Thank you......