Opinions on what to do

She has done this to me since after birth. It started back to July (1st birthday) she wanted complete alone time with the child. I was not up to alone time so I told her she could come to the party two hours prior and spend some time with her. (she showed up 45 minutes into the party) She now wants a co parenting situation and I am not comfortable with that. When this started all she wanted was pictures and special event invites. The adoption became contested by the birth father and I offered him an enforceable agreement giving 6 visits or letters and pictures a year and she opted for the same. After the contract was written she stated she shouldnt have a contract she should come by when she wants. I have never agreed to that. As for not sticking to the agreement she indicated she mailed me two card and only was returned so SHE KNOWS I RECEIVED THE OTHER which included her new phone number. I never received any cards, letters ro anything from her. I have not heard from her in almost 6 months and I have continually mailed pictures and updates toher. This is a sticky situation that leaves me in tears every single time I speak to her. As I noted she always reminds me that she is the childs mother and I am just raising her.

:grouphug: I also agree with others recommendations. Definately get a lawyer and mediator involved. You are your childs mother, there is no question about that. Don't let her get to you. Your daughter knows who her mommy is. Who is always there for her. Hopefully her birthmom can get to a place where she can be a positive in her life as well. But at the moment it doesn't seem like that is the case. Keep a log of everything. Just in case you need it.

I am sorry she is mean to you. Since you have done all 6 visits per year and the pix, you have held up your legal obligations. She needs counseling to learn how to speak respectfully to you as your child's mother.

I think mediation is also a good thing. I wouldn't take these phone calls. It doesn't sound like they are a part of your agreement, you don't deserve to be disrespected, and it can only be negatively affecting you (and therefor your DD). Maybe a "neutral" person would help DD's birth mom see that. Btw, one sided taping is illegal in a lot of states so I don't think I would "go there." You may just give her more fuel for her fire. Hang in there!

thank you guys so much for listening and responding.

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing you so we can discuss the communication amongst us. It appears that a majority of the telephone calls I receive are rude and very disruptive. I do understand that you are M's biological mother and that you gave me a gift and as I have said several times in the past, that is something I am forever thankful for and I am not trying to take that away from you. I am not trying to keep you away from M in no way at all. When you called me on Monday December 21st and left that message about keeping you and M apart and etc. that is the first I have heard from you in over 5 months. I am not being deceitful. I know your decision to allow me to adopt M and be her mother could not have been easy at all and I understand that this is still a difficult time for you, but I respectfully ask that you please stop making me out to be a bad guy. I am in no way or form a bad guy. I am not a nasty person. All I am trying to do is raise a healthy, happy and well rounded little girl. We need to work on this relationship because the way it is going it is not healthy for no one especially M. M will know she is adopted and that you are her biological mother when the time comes and is right. I have always told you that. I respect you as Ms biological mother and ask that you respect me as her mother too. As for visits and etc with M, just call me and we will arrange a visit. Between the two of us we can choose a date and time that works for all of us and our schedules. By no means do I want you to take this letter as me being rude or disrespectful, I just wanted to express my thoughts to you. I do not want M to grow up seeing all this tension or feeling like in any way this might be because of her. I want her to be able to express her own thoughts and opinions based on her adoption and allow her to process them without feeling any kind of deterrence because of either one of us.

You're letter isn't rude but can I give my two cents? In your letter you are explaining yourself too much ( i.e. asking for forgiveness! ) I think your "we all have to be respectful to each other to make this work" tone is good. However, I would stress respect means NOT saying or leaving nasty messages and it if continues, communication will be scaled back or stopped until further notice( I know you have an enforceable OA, but in some states it's just pictures/updates that are enforced). Also reminder her that as the child's parent, you are looking out for your ( hers/your) child's best interest, and that you can go to court to "change" the contact. Eventhough that's not what you want, I think she'll get the message. Don't worry about being mean or rude ( cause your not), you're establishing boundaries that benefit everyone. Remember, we teach people how to treat us! I wish you the best,Manni:flower:

Manni, I have to say I agree with everything you said. I really think a skilled mediator will be able to help this birthmom see that her "tactics", for lack of a better word, are not going to get her a good relationship with either yourself or your daughter.

I am in a very similar situation! We have a verbal agreement, which is pictures and updates 4 times a year and an occassional visit, she is very demanding and sometimes verbally abusive even though we have pretty much doubled what we agreed on, it's never enough and she constantly reminds me that "she" is her mother and that one day she will need "her" not me. It's like i'm the nanny and she's ready to take over when the time is right! I am not legally bound by a contract, but I made a promise, it's a very hard situation to be in. I've been going through this for almost a year now! I am so thankful to her for choosing us, and every time she says something hurtful I feel this sense of obligation to just let her, but it just isn't healthy. We had to set some boundries and go back to our original agreement, this is very recent so we will see how it goes! If you need to talk feel free to email me terrysgirl00@aol.com Best of luck to you!

I do hope this works well for you because the way my agreement is written, it is taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. I feel so lost and cannot seem to find anyone in a situation such as myself because of the binding agreement.

Babygirl: Please check with an attorney to see what can be done. You need to see if the OA is enforceable with picture/updates only because if it is, you can send pictures. If it's written in your contract ( 6 visits or pictures) you can cut back on visits until bmom gets counseling. I wish you the best, Manni

Manni it is legally enforceable with a minumum of 6 visits or pictures and letters. If I do not receive a call for a visit, I send pictures. I know it sounds horrible, but she enjoys controlling me and she does it quite well. She does not want visits - she calls with unreasonable expectations and then knows I will not accomodate so then the "party" begins. My attorney says in order to change anything int he agreement, it would have to be "severely detrimential" to the child just not annoying and erratic.......

Like I said before, it's pictures or visits, so just send pictures. I'm not an attorney, but it sounds very unreasonable to have that kind of burden ( meaning an ironclad agreement). I don't think the courts will force visits ( because she doesn't want them) but what you can do is go to court and file a petition for modification to add an amendment (no visits, just in case, or communication until successful counseling completed. And any form of rude behavior before, during and after counseling is completed, will result in a scale back in communication ). You can base the modification of her behavior being detrimental to child because for the next seventeen the child will hear what she says to you, and not not that, it's a form of harassment...which you didn't sign-up for. Again, I find it unbelievable that you are powerless as the parent.Get a second opinion,and I wish you the best. Manni

I don't think your situation is as hopeless as it must feel. While your daughters birthmom is in fact her mom, she doesn't really have any power. Only the power you give her. you need to remind yourself that you are absolutely your daughters every day, forever mother who has all the power and control. You are not a babysitter. You are not at anyones mercy regardless of the agreement. Did you sign up for open adoption to "get the baby" or because you thought it was best for the baby you were adopting? Most likely because you believed it was best. And even a rude, annoying birthmom in an open adoption gives your daughter a real image of who birthmom is vs a fantasy of who she might be. While her demeanor and unkindness may cause you to feel defensive and incredibly sad, I would encourage you to remember that you are in charge. I can't speak for her, but she is probably very wounded and hurt right now by the mere act of relinquishing (nothing to do with you personally) and she may be ill equipped to deal with it in a healthy manner. Approaching her with kindness and compassion may be a rewarding experience for both you and your child. Is it possible to have an email account and phone set up specifically for her? If so, allow her to leave messages and once a week when you are ready, read or listen to message. Do it when you don't have other plans but have time and space to process what she says. And think about your response. As for visits, take charge of planning them. If the agreement does not specify that only she arranges visits at her whim, take time to look at your schedule and email her with a time, date and location for visit. This will give you a sense of being in control vs at her mercy with unreasonable requests. She can accommodate your schedule. As both a birth mom and an adoptive mom, I assure you, birthmoms have no power or control. Adoptive moms have it all. Regaining that sense of control over your life and your family will really help you be able to offer this woman compassion and kindness. I believe that as adoptive moms we give our children a lifelong gift when we teach them love, kindness, compassion and respect for their birthmom. Whether we think she deserves it or not. We just have to be confident and secure in the strange position of not being our childs only mother.

I just noticed some typos. What I meant to say was: " You can base the modification on her behavior being detrimental to child because for the next seventeen years, the child will hear what she says to you, and not only that, it's a form of harassment...which you didn't sign-up for." Sorry about that! Manni:flower: