I'm just going to put it out there

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. My advice is to take your time in making your decision. Your decision doesn't have to happen right now. Take your time, give it lots of thought, prayer, and then decide.Until then, take care and know you can always come to this board for answers or just support.

I just replied to your other thread. One thought about open adoption: it is not usually legally enforceable and is not always easy to maintain. I suggest you read the threads at the open adoption forums. I don't recommend you "stay together for the sake of the child" unless both of you are willing to work on the marriage. While single parents faces challenges, there are many successful examples of well-rounded, productive adults who were raised by single parents. Thanksgiving Mom is a birthmom in an open relationship with her daughter who was adopted by a single woman. Your decision needs to be what's right for you and your child.

as a first mom whose daughter grew up in a semi-open that was opened, my only advice is to parent your child. Who knows what will happen in 5 years? I bet you will met a wonderful man who will be a great dad to your child and you will go on to have more children. I went to schoool with a woman who had a child at 16, kept her child then five years later met a grat guy and they had 4 more children and are still together...

BTw what I needed to add was that despite the best efforts of myself and my daughter's aparents, she wants nothing to do with me or my kept children. She is almost 20. So please don't think that open adoption is the answer. Please seriously think about parenting - it's tough and we do stuggle financially but our children have the basics and want for nothing. children need very little in material goods but lots of love and attention.

I think it is very hard to really accurately predict what would be the lesser risk, as every situation is different and you cannot necessarily base your decision on studies, but rather what you really feel is best for both you and your baby. It is not an easy decision to make. You definitely want to research all of your options, but please don't feel you need to make an absolute decision right now. You will have to revisit everything after you have your child, as your feelings can change dramatically. Are you getting any unbiased counseling around this issue? Have you looked at what resources are available to you if you decide to parent your child? I had a semi-open adoption with my child (open was not an option when I placed). We are not yet in reunion, but trying to open up communication with each other. It hasn't been an easy road, by any means, choosing adoption for my son, but under my circumstances, I felt it was best at the time. I also grew up with a lot of difficulty and didn't want my son to experience the same. He did end up in a wonderful home, and did not have clashes with his parents (other than the usual, normal stuff that all kids go through with their parents). I do not know if he has abandonment or identity issues. I do know he is successful and well-adjusted, but in terms of how he feels deep-down, I don't know the answer to this. Perhaps it is something I will find out if we ever reunite. And that is a big unknown right now. Please understand that, while there are OAs that work well, it is also not an easy road, and they are not legally enforceable. This means, the adoptive family will hold all the cards and can stop contact for any reason at any time. I was very fortunate in that even though I didn't even have a strictly defined semi-open adoption, my son's parents continued to send updates all throughout his life. Most of the other first moms from my agency who placed around the time I did, did NOT have this. I think I was in an exceptional situation. I know this is a very difficult decision to make. For me, raising my child as a single mom with no resources and no family support would have been extremely difficult, too. It seemed no matter what I decided, it would be tough. :grouphug:

Personally I don't know that it's the best way to make a decision regarding adoption. Meaning you will never be able to 100% determine if your child will or will not have identity issues, conflict, or abandonment issues regardless if you have an OA or not. With that in mind, I'm not sure you should base a decision on this factor, but more on what YOU want. Do you want to parent? Do you want to raise your child? I'm not saying the child's "wishes" aren't important, mind you, just saying that it's impossible really to determine if your child will feel any of these things or not. It's also not possible to really determine if he/she would or would not feel resentment for being raised in a single parent home or with a step dad later on, or if you say no to baggy jeans or make up etc. (joke...but you know what I mean?) It's just not possible, so in the end you really have to do what is good for you too. You are involved in this. Yes, it's about the best interests of the child, don't get me wrong, just saying you also need to factor in YOU.Hope this came across right...

I rarely post my thoughts on questions of should I place my child for adoption... Crick is right...you must decide if you want to parent first. Unplanned pregnacies will always create confusion as you weren't expecting it. You say your hubby is having an identity crisis - of course he is - he is about to become a dad. You are having an identity crisis to - same reason - you are about to become a mom...it was not planned. Couples go through this all the time. There is no crystal ball that can answer these questions - only you and your husband. Do you want to be a mom, does your husband want to be a dad? If you say yes but later, then start doing the most basic research on how to get there sooner rather than later. Be honest and truthful. Can you do it? How will you do it? What will you gain and what will you give up? Could you give your child away to someone else (pretty much a stranger) and permanently remove yourself from the picture and have no rights...do not comfort yourself with the concept of open adoption because it is not guaranteed, it may work, it may not but all your rights are gone once you sign the papers, you may never know what happened. Seriously search your soul, talk, keep talking. YOU HAVE TIME...do not make any final decision until after your child is born. You can research adoption before your child is born but do not commit until your child is born and you have had time to properly determine what is right for your and your husband. Adoption is forever and if you are not 100% sure of your decision you may regret it for life. Even if you are 100% sure of your decision there will still be pain you will carry for a long time, but if you have done your due diligence and are at peace that it is right it will help. A lot of adoptees do have identity and rejection issues, the degree varies, some do not appear to be as affected as others. Personalities factor into this and you know yourself and your husband so take that into consideration as to what your child may be like. Do understand that most adoptees love their families, that is seldom in question. Being adopted means you do not live with your biological family and people all deal with that differently...we are all humans... Only you and your husband can make the decision of what is right. Find an unbiased counselor to talk to or your pastor or other mentor. Take the time to make the choice that is right for both of you. Kind regards,Dickons

just checking this posts as have written long story only to lose it x

Peace to all, hi, my names Peter i live in England and just over forty years ago aged six months i was chosen out of a lot of other kids by my now deceased mum and dad. I always knew i was adopted, Dad was born in 1918 and mum in 1922 so the grey hair was a give away. Dad had had kids before, just after the war and i guess after his marriage broke down and his ex wife shut the door as far as the kids went, he decided to try again.Problem was, mum did not really want us, she did not have a maternal bone in her body, i can never remember her cuddling us or telling us she loved us, i had an adopted sister too by the way, 3 years older.Dad tried but was not really up to it, they were both presented to their parents by their respective nannies, so i understand they just did not get it. But i think that is wrong, i have two young children and not a day goes by without them knowing how much i love them. My marriage broke down last year, i have shared access but am broken hearted i dont see them everyday, part of the reason i lost my wife was because i pushed her family away, she also suffered horrific pnd and i just could not understand how she could be so vile to my eldest, so i was angry with her, never violent but angry for sure. We both did not understand what was happening you see,we moved to be closer to her mum but that did not help, indeed, it was not until she took medication that things improved, only for the pnd to occur again shortly after my son was born. Anyway i digress, i take the blame for the break up and will NEVER NEVER allow my temper to take control again. But that is the past now.My mum and dad were very strict, very un-tactile and we were pretty much left to our own devices, but time and time again i was reprimanded severly, victorian upbringing in the home, vibrant innercity and all it had to offer in the late 70's early 80's it was not easy. Am going to stop here now in case like the last time i lose all this as i try to post it! i found bmom too by the way but she too is dead the bottle killed her dont think she ever got over giving me away please help me feel so lonely and sad Pete x x x

Hi Peter. I am SO sorry to hear about your losses. My first thought is - can you find your birth father? Might you have siblings? Also, is there any way for you to locate friends or family members of your birth mother. I imagine there is someone that knew about you and how painful this was. Have you read "The Girls That Went Away"? Your anger is understandable. Thinking of you and hoping you find some peace.

I was in your shoes 28 years ago. I am an 'adoptee' who at that time had no idea who my birth parents were and I was orphaned from my adopted parents (was not legal adoption), so I had nobody... I cried about every day for the first 7 months thinking I could not raise this girl but she's now 27 has a masters degree and she works for a TV station in NYC. Little lowly me who had nobody and no help in the middle of a recession raised her and educated her and she is very successful. MONEY DIDN'T DO IT either. It was me and my creative edge that got her going. I was very, very poor but still it worked so don't despair. Don't get down on yourself and like the other's here said, "you don't know what will happen 5 years from now". You just have to love her. That's what my Grama always said and it was true.

Hi Hannah Jane,I was in the same position six years ago. I was in a relationship with a man and we were going to get married and raise our son. Neither of us had more than a year of junior college and we both worked shift jobs. I began a new job and we moved to a bigger place and planned to keep him. Through it all I had doubts about what we were doing even though it had been my idea to keep him originally. I never wanted a baby shower and I kept thinking there's no way we can do this. We live month to month, have no savings, and I wanted so much more than what my life was offering me. I had been raised to go to college, start a career and then start a family. He did not have similar goals; he was from a divorced family and wanted to prove he could do it better than his parents had. I did not want to raise my child like that.I ended up reconnecting with my parents and they said they would support whatever decision I made. At seven months pregnant I found the strength to leave him and place our baby for adoption. I found a great adoption lawyer through this site. He and his staff made it as easy as it could have been for me and my mom and I were able to pick the family. They are fabulous people who could offer my son everything I wanted to but could not in that situation.I chose a closed adoption, for many reasons. I am adopted and my parents had gone through trying to provide my birth parents with information for a period but it was too hard on them. I made the decision that I needed to respect this family and that he would always be my baby, but once he was born he would be their son.It is such a hard choice to make, and I was met with "how can you be so selfish to take our grandchild away from us" by my boyfriends parents. But ultimately I knew keeping him so my boyfriend could prove something was even more selfish. It came down to the quality of life I wanted for my baby and the family I chose could (and has) given him that.I think the most important thing for you in this decision is to know that you are making it for yourself and not for someone else. It is the hardest choice you will ever make, giving your baby to another family and it will stay with you forver. Good luck with your decision.

Dear, what you will learn in life is that what you are sure you can't do, you can do. You find a way. You just do. You won't believe it, when you look back, what all you did that you thought at first, you couldn't do. So when you decide, just remember. You will think it's impossible, and you will do it, and do it well.