Question About Parents

I agree that how it feels to you is the way you should go. If you are not comfortable with your birth mom signing "mom" to the cards, I would address this with her, in a nice way, of course. It's OK if you are not quite comfortable with that. If you are, then that's fine, too. No need to have any discussion around it. Can you think of yourself as having two moms? Sure, why not? If you are comfortable with that, then go with it. Also remember, you can still consider yourself as having two moms, but maybe not feel quite right about calling your birth mom "mom." Even though she signs her cards "mom" doesn't mean you have to call her "mom." You can think of her as "mom" or as your "other mother" without having to use the title of "mom" with her. You may wish to reserve that for your mom who raised you. It's really up to you, though I can imagine as an adoptee it must be difficult because you can easily be put in the middle. For instance, your adoptive mom might be upset if you called your birth mom "mom" too. I'm just using that as an example. I still feel you have to go with what you are comfortable with. I am not yet in reunion with my son, and the way I look at it, is he can call me whatever he is comfortable with. I don't expect him to call me "mom" even though I am one of his moms. I don't sign my letters "mom" (we have had semi-open adoption); I just use my first name. If he wanted to call me mom, that would be fine, too.

sweet - what you feel about things IS VERY important- that being said, tread lightly though, emotions run high in reunion, and just because you have feelings doesn't mean you should be mindful of other's feelings (somehow, I know that you know that).....anyway, again, though your feelins are importatnt - love is most important of all. best FC

You can have two mothers if thats the way you want it to be. I call my birthmom mom because she IS mom to me. I have little to no contact with my adoptive mom anymore, so there isn't much inner conflict with myself over having two moms. I do know what you mean though about having to tell yourself you have two moms. Don't kids who have step parents sometimes call both mothers mom? Maybe if you think of it that way, you'll be more comfortable with the concept. I've learned over time that the whole reunion process needs to be more about our needs rather than our mothers' or fathers' needs. You need to be comfortable with yourself and your relationships with them above all else. If you want to call her mom and she wants you to call her that, then do it. Your adoptive mom might have her feelings hurt, but no matter how she feels about it, your birthmom is still your mom too right?

In India especially in our culture we have to call our mother-in-law as mother. My hubby wanted me to do it. earlier i found it difficult, now i am used to it. when this question popped out I thought about it .I would just say do what yu think is comfotable padma

All things resolve with Love!! :grouphug:

Like others who have posted, I think you have to do what you are comfortable with and it is not always easy to decide what, exactly, that is.My biological father's name is David. My father's name is David, as is my brother. I struggle with what I would call him if I ever choose to make contact with him because I don't know what to call him. My biological mom's name is Alice. As I have gotten older I find I am increasingly comfortable with calling her by her first name, if for nothing else, it saves time when speaking about her to my parents.I think if you decide that you are not comfortable with her calling herself "mom" then you should tell her and if she respects you then she will respect your decision and request that she not use that salutation.Best of luck.

For me personally when I found my bmom my bsiblings were 14 and 16 so it was difficult for them to understand that I have 2 mothers. So around them I would call my bmom "mama" which is what my siblings call her. They are from the south which is normal for them. I was raised in the north so I always called my Amom "Mom". So for me "mama" had no feelings with it so I didn't feel like I was disrepecting my Afamily. When my bmom and amom met I called her Tammy out of respect for my parents.

My son is 25 and calls me Brenda. He used to refer to me as "one of his two moms". To be honest, I don't care what he calls me as long as he calls me.Personally, I think it is important that this be a decision you make. As an adoptee people have been making decisions for you regarding adoption from the get go. This should be what you feel comfortable with.

As a birthmom I know intellectually that the adoptive mom is the Mom. Telling my heart that is another matter--I still have the feelings I've always had. I would not expect to be called by a mom name, but if it ever happened I would be thrilled. I know I need to call my son "son," even if it's not quite right, because it would feel wrong to leave him out now that we've found one another. Does that mean I would make demands or have expectations? No. It's just built in to the experience and to my memory of how I've always felt. Can't be helped. Whatever YOU feel is what will decide what you say. Not only about the birthmom, but about loyalty to your own mom you've grown up with.

I've heard in some families, what they do is instead of trying to call both of them 'mom' and wondering how to deal with it and what the name means, give each person a special, individualized name, don't make yourself have to decide 'one or the other is really mom'. It's like giving each person a special role in your life, the one person who gave birth to you and the other who raised you. I know people often do this with both divorced family members and stepparents, as well as grandparents, so one grandmother is 'Tanti' and the other 'Leela' for example, or I've heard 'Mama Tanti and Mama Leela', for example. These can be nicknames or childhood names. I can't recall the names the one family used, but they actually did have a special, individualized name for each parent. Instead of having to say 'my birth mom' or 'my adoptive mom' or 'my REAL mom' and getting people feeling somewhat uncomfortable...because in a very real sense, they really are both your mother. Depending on the circumstances you may have very different feelings about each, but we need both - and giving each a different name respects that. Then it's almost like because of the name given, it recognizes the special role each person had in your life.

She IS your mom, from her point of view, and of course we "moms" will feel that way. You may or may not feel that you're her son. Whatever either of you may feel is completely valid. What you want to SAY is up to you. Just because she signs the emails "mom" doesn't mean she's fishing for you to say it, it just means she's expressing what she knows she feels and is, at least partially. It doesn't exclude or minimize the mom you've had in your life. My son (birthson, here) calls me by my first name, but we met when was in his late 30's. I have mom feelings but try to show that I know someone else is the one who's been there for him all his life. We don't always know what to say, but it feels wrong to NOT refer to him as my son, as if it would be leaving him out, now that I know him. Doesn't mean I have "expectations."

I think that would be up to you personally how to handle the situation. There are many reasons mothers give their children up for adoption and sometimes it's for the best. I hope you figure out your answer and good luck!

Do you know of any forms that I can file with the courts in my area in case my son would ever look for me? Also, I was only 15 and I don't remember the exact date of his birth which I am ashamed of. Can you tell me any information you may know as to how I can find out please?

Very well said dpen6!!!

this is exactly what i needed to hear. thank you.