Struggling with close friendships

Thank you both for your reply. I totally agree with what dogmommy8 said about the fact that only adoptees can understand what feelings adoptees have. Most of the time I don't even know how to describe those feelings. My non adoptee friends are confused by my behavior to say the least. The emotional pain can be unbearable and I am constantly questioning why this is my lot in life. I am very envious of those who have large families and a large group of supportive friends. I find myself very lonely or doing things by myself most of the time and don't know how to accept this. I have been seeing a counselor and turning to God which is very helpful.

Dear Dogmommy8 and MaileLisa,I hear your pain and you/we have much to grieve. Sometimes it feels bottomless and just too much to bear. I have met other adoptees who feel similarly and one describes the pain as deep scars that resurface. All I can recommend is allow yourself to grieve deeply and let your feelings out in a safe place - I've found that it takes a lot of time and hard work but that it's worth it. And finding a good counsellor, pastor (if you're religious), and support group is also recommended - particularly for finding helpful solutions for learning trust. I remember that my counsellor had said that fear of abandonment, which I think is related to trust issues, is rampant. So I took heart in that and figure that probably there are tons of people running around who, like us, are struggling beneath the surface with trust and many other issues. While I don't think I'll ever get rid of the pain and the fear of closeness entirely, I think that through the grieving process I've learned a kind of inner emotional strength and acceptance that has helped me somehow. I still find myself hitting a wall of despair sometimes. And, as MaileLisa put it, I question why this is my lot in life. At times like this, I then look to others who've survived other extremely rough lives (adoptees and non-adotees) and yet have still found hope and meaning. I also look to my fellow struggling souls and take comfort in knowing that I'm not so alone in this loneliness after all. Good for you for at least starting by reaching out - there are many supportive people on these forums who can relate. I hope this helps.

Hi, I have a life long inability to maintain friendships, I can make friends fairly easily however I after a period of 3 months or so I manage to screw up each one. I feel as if there is a rule book for friendships/relationships that I am missing, I don't have the language, I cant read the verbal and non verbal cues, it feels like I have to play to everyone else's rules AND that they don't make sense to me. I have no close friends and was recently dumped yet again by a potential new friend with the message that I am "dangerously reactive" and that I needed help. At the age of 47 I am accepting that maybe I have adoption attachment issues and that maybe I will never have close friends. I am going to seek support from a local adoption group and probably a counsellor.

Hi all. I have just found this forum and see that these entries are a few months old, but thought I might add my thoughts. :fish: Excuse the typing, but I put it on notepad first and it's all gone screwy. :confused: I understand what all of you are saying in your posts and there have been times in the past where I have felt like just being is such hard work, it can all seem like a huge, ongoing chore and is so emotionally draining. It's difficult to know from all the entries, how severe these feelings are for each of you, whether it is something that you are really struggling with on a daily basis, or if they are on the side line and turn up every now and then at key moments. I think for adoptees that have a bad adoption experience, it must feel like a double whammy, because you get a second chance at a happy life after a bad start and then that goes down the gurgler. Both of these times are not your fault, but only you can pick up the pieces and carry on. I have spent some of my life wondering about the adoptee/non-adoptee family dynamic and I can honestly say that I have met so many people who have some sort of family issue and these are non-adoptee families. There's always this "blood is thicker than water" saying, but in reality alot of people have friends who they consider to be family more than their own blood family. Then there are people who aren't particularly close to their families or see them very much, but know that the family will be there for them at the drop of a hat. I know this information doesn't help your own personal feelings though, but I just hate to think of you all feeling like it is purely an adoptee thing. I am not downplaying the situation either, because I have felt at times the same and on the odd occasion, still do (with friends, not family). I agree with Ripples, saying that looking to others who have had extremely rough lives can help. I also think about the positive things that have resulted from being adopted. I was left outside a police station in Seoul, when I was just a few hours old and was adopted into an english family who already had three girls - all homegrown. I know that I was really fortunate to end up with the family that I have and know that this also helped me with alot of my issues. Although I know that everybody is unique, I like that I can be whoever I want to be. I am not limited by family resemblences or family bad inherited genetics and traits. I know that I could dwell on this, by feeling like I don't belong (especially when the topic of who looks like who in the family), but instead, I know that there is absolutely nobody who is like me and that because I was raised in an english family, I have an interesting mixture of Korean and english characteristics. I really hope you can work the problems out, because although the insecurities and demons don't disappear completely, if you can get to a place of acceptance (again, like Ripples says) and even good self-esteem, you will be so much more at peace inside and be able to manage the issues, instead of them managing you.

Hi Friends! I simply joined this forum as a help for myself towards inner freedom. Its not until I am 30 yrs of age I dear to really work through this, I believe in terapeutic value of similar ppl supporting. I dont know where to sart but I need ppl to talk to whenever I need about how my life as adoptee been, I come from a healthy famlily have a successfull life friends, love, studies and work a beautifula aprtment and myself. I just know all my relationships with every one I know has been a struggle of trust and not been abandonned. I fear intimissy I am surpicious but also very glad positive helping and couragous. I have faith and work in a 12 step-fellowship. <i never kept other adoptees near. I always looked down on myself in a complex way hating Asia where I am from. Hating people for their comments of where Im from and that its so exotic. I never identifies with Taiwan but feel a calmness when I watch Asian culture on Tv. :flower: Life has been super tough but I am very happy in my life besides I miss my birtmother and and I know Id like her as validation telling me she loved me and that she thinks of me. What have you ppl done about your situation with dealing of birthparents? Please feel free to comment or reply. Have a nice evening I am so grateful I do this for myself. Love X:thanks:

I can't keep friends if my life depened on it. I'm socially polished but can't seem maintain any long term rapport with buddies..... except for my spouse. My adopted siblings and mother ignore me and my family even my 3 and 1 year old. My adoptive father was the best father you could ever had he somehow understood about being adopted even though he wasn't himself. Weird how we all seem to have the same kind of issues.

It is. I had a really nice childhood and I am working really hard on being me and maintain the few relationships that I have. I really work on family and I think its is harder for us adoptees to get a functional reltaionship with ourseleves and then others since many of us do not why it happened. Thru hard work and willingness I have gained alot of inner security and freedom I today feel i have friends that I can be myself with and family too. But It all takes very long time for me to get enganged in them. I need to sort of make a decision on it that I will not leave or start a fight. What do you mena your adopted father wasnt himself? If you need to talk, talk. If not dont. I keep friends, and my life depend on it. But I am also involved with fellowship of 12 steps so I need it. I can relate to what you mean with seocial skilled. I am too. How do you mean you mother and siblings igore you? Does you children do it too? Hug & Love X

My adoptive siblings I meant to say are not so warm as they were before I grew up.. post after my A-father's death, He always brought things into prospective with all of them, now they have lost that guidance. They never come bye to see my children neither does my A-mom. They are very self absorbed... I seem to have nothing in common with them and they seem to be very jugmental and exclusive, clueless as to that my differences from them isn't me being distant it's that I am rather private and not as analytical and cerebral as they are. They are so deep. they will disect a food menu and try to make a philosophic thesis about it. I will just look at it and have fun with it instead..lol I am ok with that.....When you don't expect much from others...you never will never be disapointed. A rather negative approach to life but a realistic one. I have friends but really what happend was, that I had children and I am not as multi faceted as one would like to be, and really have spent all my time on my little ones. My pals are all single with no kids so we have nothing in commen anymore. So I am not as eager to socialize anyway for that matter even with other couples... Enough about me what about this 12 steps I saw you writting about? Cheers

Hi Well I can realte to all that in sitations, my realtionship with mom and dad is more a matter of effort for me. I go to a 12 step fellowship for handlening the emotional disease taht I have and in the rooms of that fellowship I now have new friends, new life. I swoped. Totally. But on the subject on adoption which I am here for I wonder if you also felt that society look at adoptees in a wierd way. As adoptees are topic on discussion boards how to get into their societies etc etc no one ever speaks of how it actually feels. SPEAK UP sort of say, politicans etc could do so much more for us. When I have my degree and draw into the media broadcasting ether I will, chose to not only help others with my disease or imigrants but us adotpees but speaking about it. It has been so painful always been asking where Im from and so the following questions... I raise this issue in my life so that I sort of say can feel more home and secure when I will try to bring it into my work. How has your childhood been with the comments on your face, or others wanting to know how it feels all the time? I mean I donԴt F...cking know what ppl mean. But today when ppl adress my "exotics" I just go; Thank you. Have a nice evening. Ps, where are you writing from? Alexandra

First of all Welcom to this site I am in Canada I am half Ojibwe native Indian and half Ghanan,(African) all Canadian. I have 1 adoptive brother and 2 adoptive sisters all blood children from Adoptive my parents. My A-family is Irish and Czech.....I was raised in the country, the only minority except that I grew up beside an indian reservation. My childhood was both great and confusing at the same time. there were racial fights but I was quite physically able to hold my own, so people backed off. I had a lot of identity issues and felt very isolated but not by my family they were very protective of me. I had good friends in the country and the odd foe. My one pal was adopted as well...He had major issues that had affected him a great deal. I have met my birth mother and 1 half brother of which there are 4 half brothers in toltal two years ago. They are very troubled in and out of jail. I have mixed feelings about that reunion two years ago. When people ask how it feels to be adopted,,,I say like when you lose a family member or someone close to you....You have a numb feeling. I hope that you pursue your career and studies in broadcasting. Helping others. Help yourself first though. People will never understand how it feels to be adopted. The most misunderstood topic of discussions. Are you in the States? Hillen73