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I have been in reunion with my son (39) for over 2 years now. At first, we spent many hours on the phone every week for a month and then had a F2F, and several more after that. Things slowed down during the first year; but we continue to talk for about half an hour every week or two.
He has never invited me to his home, so I have invited him to meet with me at least 4 times over the last year (we don't live in the same state, but at those times I was within about an hour and a half drive from him at my parents' home, usually for a week at a time, where we had our f2f's during the first year) and several times he has agreed and seemed excited about it ahead of time. But when the time comes, he just doesn't show up and when I try to call him to see what is going on, he won't answer my calls until after I am back home (he always has his phone on him).
I was extremely distraught the first time this happened, as I had told the family he would be there. I assumed at that time that he had decided he didn't want to continue the relationship and emailed him telling him that this is the only conclusion I could come to and that I was sorry if I had done anything to upset him. When he did call me, it was after I had come back home and he was very nonchalant about it and assured me that I hadn't done anything to upset him. When I talked to him, I told him I had been upset about what had happened, but there was not really an explanation offered as to why he didn't show up, or answer my calls, or return my calls (I left messages). Now blowing me off once, ok--maybe he had other things going on?--but this has happened several times now, and we haven't seen each other for over a year.
I sent birthday gifts and Christmas gifts for him and his wife. Called to let him know when other family birthdays were in case he wanted to send a card or call (no gifts expected) as birthdays in our family are a big deal; but did not mention mine (and he has never asked when it was). Got a Mothers' Day card last year--nothing this year. Last year he and his wife sent a Christmas gift, and he called when they received my package and we also spoke on Christmas Day.
This year I sent a package, and didn't hear anything. I tried calling on Christmas Day--no answer and no return call. I called again two days after Christmas and got him--he acknowledged the gift and thanked me. Short call, in which he talks about getting birthday and Christmas gifts for some guy he met and is trying to help out. I just don't understand--I didn't need or want a gift, but I did think I would have received a card or a phone call, or even just had my phone call answered or returned.
It is feeling very one-sided--as though I'm gradually being pushed away and am getting to the point where I am feeling that this relationship is taking too much out of me. The peace and wonder are gone....
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Hi Mockingbird...........Your reunion sounds very much like mine. My son and I found each other almost 10 years ago. He is now 42. We mostly email, or should I say, I email. I have seen him several time over the years. When we first started our reunion, it took me 2 years for him to finally meet me face to face. It was on his 35th birthday. That was a wonderful day, I will never forget it. Since that time I usually see him every few years. I have asked him if I have done anything to upset him, and he always asures me everything is fine. I send birthday gifts and Christmas gifts, and cards from time to time. I have gotten one Mothers day card in 10 years. It is now almost 3 years since I have seen him, and I have only recevied 3 email this year. I don't really know what to think or do anymore. I have cut back on my emailing to him. I just think I need to read between the lines that I don't receive !!! I am trying to get on with my life, but this consumes me most of the time. I just wanted to write and let you know you are not alone. I'm sure I will never give up hoping we can have a relationship one of these years. I hope it's starts soon, I'm not getting any younger !!!!
Hugs,
Lynn
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Lynn...I read your post regarding the relationship with your son.Although my situation is different, I believe your son and I share many of the same feelings. I am male, adopted at a young age from the black market. Based on the description of what has happened in your relationship, I can relate to the feelings your son has.Now that I am older there were periods of forgiveness for the abuse and the outsider status that was assigned to me. If I was away for long periods, there were some occasions when I wanted to see my a-family...probably to see if my status as an outsider had changed.The strength of that desire was fueled by an honest desire to see them, and a longing to be a family member. There were however, some negative feelings that came up at the same time.There was grief and loss, and bitterness about why there was abuse, etc.It was always a balancing act between the positive and the negative forces. Sometimes I could forgive, forget, and move on and meet with the family...other times, positive feelings mite be the start, but the negative feelings won. I wanted an explanation...anything to fix my head to try to understand, but it never came. Often I have wondered if an explanation had come, if it could have helped. Many adoptees involved in re-union say, an explanation helps, but it doesn't completely fix their head.Many posts here describe re-unions much like roller coasters. There doesnt seem to be a way to fix that. Many start out and do well, only to deteriorate as time goes on. I have often wondered if much of that was related to the original grief and loss that came about as a part of the adoption process. It seems that many adoptees are willing to accept the b-moms reasons for the adoption, but the adoptee is still involved with rage in regards to what happened. Perhaps they may accept an explanation, but never get over the adoption because they were given up.For an adoptee, it is hard to put all the facts and feelings into a single package. It would help to label each piece of the puzzle with our feelings of the day. But our adoption feelings change almost daily. Sometimes we have a greater strength in a particular area than others. A 1 formula fits all doesn't seem to work. I wish I could help. Hopefully you wont feel as though all of this is your fault. From the posts here, it seems to be related to the re-union process.I wish you the best.
Sqirrelsangel...I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You might want to try starting a new thread to get more responses. I am an amom in an open adoption so I don't have the experience to answer your question. I hope others can help you find a way to make sure they honor whatever agreement they made when they adopted your child.
Hi Drywall............Thanks for the response, I don't get many males opinions. I'm so sorry you had abuse in your adopted family. That happens in all kinds of families. I was abused when I was a child by my grandfather. Not something I like to think about. So, do you think maybe my son is holding back from me because he is still angry with me for giving him up for adoption? I have asked him all this and explained to him why I had to do this back in 1967. He has always said he understands. Maybe he is just saying that so he doesn't have to explain to me. His adoped parents are older and they still don't know that my son and I have found each other. I told him it was his decision to tell them or not and he has chosen not to tell them. I kind of think that might have something to do with why he doesn't contact me or see me much. He may feel guilty. He is busy I know with work and just life in general, but I still don't understand why he lets so much time go by in between contact. Like I said before, I'm not getting any younger!!!! It will be 3 years in June since I have seen him. It's like we have to get to know each other all over again between visits. Yes, Drywall I am guilty about giving him up and sometime the grief and loss really gets to me, but I am learning I have to live with this the rest of my life. I can't change it, I have tried.
It's almost time for me to send him another email. I hope he will answer me this time. I wish I could understand. I just want to get to know my first born. I would be grateful for any advise.
Hugs,
Lynn
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He is in pullback mode. I know of many first mothers, including myself, that have been through this and one solution which is sometimes successful is to stop asking for explanations and simply send him a friendly chat-up email once a month without asking for or expecting a reply. This seems to keep the connection going and with luck he may reply every now and then when he's in a good space. It's tough, frustrating and sad, that's why so many of us want to keep moms and their children together. Reunion is not a solution.
Hi Greenbottles.....Thank you. Yes it is frustrating. I have been doing this with him for 10 years now. I don't ask anymore for an explanation or if I can see him. I leave that to him. I do only email maybe once a month or every six weeks now. I think he pulled back a long time ago!!! As much as I would not want to hear he doesn't want to see me, I think it might be easier or then again I would probably have a fit. I sure hope he comes around soon. My granddaughter is now 7 and I haven't seen her since she was 2. I have asked for a picture, but that didn't work. Oh well, I'll just keep trying.
Thanks again,
Hugs Lynn
Lynn....I wish I could help you or simply had words of encouragement.For so many of us involved in the Adoption triad we are still linked to periods of grief and loss.Even those adoptees and b-moms that have posted often admit that the wonderful fantasy re-union they held so close, didn't turn out as they expected.Often I have asked adoptees and b-moms if once they completed their re-union if this fixed their head and they were able to end the grief and loss. Most indicated that the re-union was helpful...it ended a number of mysteries, but it didn't do much to fix the long term periods of grief and loss they still experienced. Many still felt that the time lost away from their b-parents continued to be of concern.I dont know your sons story, so I cant speak for him. Adoption is a deep, life-long experience regardless of when it occurs. If there was abuse in his a-family, there can be many reasons he does not share all his concerns.Additionally, some adoptees feel that they have been somewhat of a possession in the eyes of their b-family and in terms of re-union and healing they prefer to gain complete control of their destiny and handle it all alone.Many of the posts here that describe re-unions, even under the best circumstances, nearly always include the roller coaster effect.All I can suggest is that you be there for him and let him contact you on his terms. Gradually he may be able to over come his feelings of grief and loss and any residual anger he is still holding.Often it is not what we do for people, it's the support we provide when we are needed.I wish you the best.
Lynn and Mockingbird have you found your sons' facebook or even an afamily member's facebook? These days I learn about what my daughter is doing through her and her friend's facebook...it's sad that it is the only way to learn about her but at least I do get photos - perhaps that is a way to get a new photo of your granddaughter? I think another thing to try is to blog about your life and even blog letters to your child and send him the link? He can then look at it whenever he wants. It is tough on adoptees but I do think there is no need to be rude. hugs to you all, lol
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Thank you Drywall and Greenbottles.......It is nice o talk with people that understand how I am feeling. I am much calmer then I was a few years back. I had a break down after I found him. I think all the greif I held in all those years came pouring out of me. I finally got some help ( which I should of had back in 1967, and no one offered it then). I will just try and keep on doing what I am doing and hope he comes around.
Thanks again,
Hugs Lynn
Hello Lynn, Mockingbird, and other first-moms in similar situations:
I' a male adoptee, and I'd like to say that I don't see anything strange in your sons' behaviors. I can see myself doing the same thing; in fact that may be a reason why I haven't pressed ahead on finding my first-mom: I might not be able to hold up my side of a relationship. Obviously, I can't speak for your son, but I can try to explain why I might behave the same way.
Here are some things to consider:
I'm a man. Enough said.
The behavior of every person in the world is driven mostly by unconscious forces; rational explanations don't always apply. For those of us involved in closed adoption, the unconscious forces are apt to be unusually powerful,
so we may fear them and suppress them all the more;
Remember that the first thing I learned (unconsciously) about a relationship was that I couldn't count on it (nine months of total nurturing, followed by...).
So I may not put much value on relationships;
or I may avoid them (consciously or not).
I have overwhelming unpaid debts to the woman who fed me, applied band-aids, helped with my homework, etc., and other obligations to the woman who's doing all those things for my kids. And I might think that they might not want too much involvement with another mother.
Emotions are a nuisance. Strong ones are worse.
I've never been here and I don't know what I'm doing. I may not even be aware of what I'm doing, or how it affects others.
Anyway, I hope you can be patient, and things get better for you both.
Mockingbird: This sounds so rough for you. You are trying very hard and getting so little back.
While I don't want, at all to discount that adoption is part of the issue, I wonder whether much of this is the way most boys are raised in our culture. (I'm not bashing men or boys - or saying that all boys are the same).
But generally, girls are raised to carry the burden of maintaining relationships and families and boys are substantially let off the hook. This is certainly a frustrating problem in my own family. My brothers (both bio) would never, in a million years pick up the phone and call me - not for a holiday, not just to say hi. My husband has had two back surgeries in the last month. Neither of my brothers have called or sent a card or even emailed to say "how is it going?".
I know that they don't reach out to my mom. She carries the relationship totally. They don't have to do anything.
I was complaining to my mom about it and she defended them and then complained that her brother is the same way. She talks about how much it hurts, but then excuses them since they are boys. I feel like screaming, "If you hated that your brother did it to you, why would you raise boys who think this behavior is excusable?" I really don't think my brothers think anything of it at all.
It is seriously making me look at how I raise my son. How do I teach him that relationships are a two way street? How do I teach him to undrstand that he needs to invest time and attention to his family. And for those men who know how to invest in relationships - please feel free to give me advice on how to raise a "relationship responsible son"
As I said in the beginning, I am not discounting that adoption and his relationship with his aparents plays a role in this too. It does. It just might not be the whole issue.
That also doesn't help the fact that it hurts for you. I hope it gets better.
Good luck.
Hi Mallon,
Thank you for your response. I like hearing from male adoptees. I would never interfere with the relationship he had with his adopted mother. I am very thankful to her and would not want to hurt her in anyway. I suppose just knowing I am in his life would maybe be upsetting to her and in turn would be the cause of why I don't see or hear from him. I understand that, but my heart breaks everyday that I don't really have him in my life. I guess that is my punishment. Emotions due run high and I do think he doesn't know how to express his emotion to me. He keeps it all to himself. I really can't do anything, my hands are tied. The ball is in his court. I will just keep doing what I am doing and let him know I am here when he decides he wants me in his life. Thanks again Mallon.
Hugs,
Lynn
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LynnDon't think of it as punishment! Especially not him punishing you, unless he actually says it is. The more I think about this (as I try to convince myself to send that first letter...) the more I think patience might be really important. I was serious when I mentioned that emotions are a nuisance: maybe not for all men, but definitely for myself. If I did finally do something that caused huge emotional backwash, I would be reluctant to continue. Because of the emotional stuff, not because of the person.I can imagine that waiting would be excruciating, though. If you need to keep the connection, it could be that you'll need to carry the weight during times when he backs off. Not fair, but if it's worth it to you...? I don't know. I hope it works out. Also the not being aware part: I hope if I ever connect, my first-mother will be able to talk with my wife, and then my wife can let me know if I mess up. I agree with c.a. about men and relationships: society doesn't really insist that we master the skills; for some of us, it helps if we have a woman on our team. Again, I'm just speaking for myself, of course.
hey there. i am a birthmum and have been in reunion for 13yrs. my comment doesnt have anything to do with my adoption story.
adopted AND abused. try doing some reading on fear of abandonment and trust issues. zillions on google, and may shed some light on how he could be feeling.
best of luck
susie