sibling question

December 29, 2009

I hope this is the right sopt to post this question. I've received some many opinions from others not involved int he system that I thought I would turn here for some advice.

Last Feb. N. was placed with us. It was supposed to be a temporary placement as he was going to kinship. The advocate got involved , some things went very wrong and it was advised that he either be RU'd or adopted. Kinship was not an option. TPR is scheduled to occur in the beginning of January.

Yes, it moved fast. There were only 2-3 visits within 3 months of placement and then visits stopped. His older sibs--7 year old twins, 5 year old brother were already terminated and subsequently adopted. Adoptive mom also has his younger infant sib and is planning on adopting him after January termination.

Here is the question--should I do sib visits after adoption? If so, how often? How do I do them?

The older sibs have some emotional and behavioral issues as they were with the family for some time before removal and also spent about 4 years in the sytem. The baby was placed immediately so he seems to be ok. N. does have some emotional issues which are slowly resolving as he also played rotating family placement for the first 21 months of his life. He does not know any of the sibs nor do they know him. There were no visits between them at any point. He sees his sibs as being my bio boys and is very bonded to them (and us)

I am afraid that visiting might cause turmoil for him right now. However, I am also afraid he might resent never knowing them later on.

Any advice would be welcome.

sloane

December 29, 2009

I am afraid that visiting might cause turmoil for him right now.

is there a reason why you think it will cause him turmoil?

I feel, its very important for him to know he has siblings out there. If he is going through a rough time right now, then maybe it's not the best time, but he does need to know. They are his bio siblings.

I would talk to the other adoptive parent and figure it out amongst all of you.

maybe do a life book for him where you can talk to him about his past including that he has bio sibs.

having bio sibs does not take away any feelings he has for his adoptive brothers.

just an FYI

I am also afraid he might resent never knowing them later on.

he might not resent knowing them but will resent you from not telling him when you knew.

weather you do visits or not is up to you, but it is his right to know he has birth siblings out there.

but this is just my opinion.

to keep it simple.

Here is the question--should I do sib visits after adoption? Id wait till he gets settled in.

If so, how often? that all depends on where they live, maybe twice a year. If they are real close you can do once a month. It all depends on how all the kids handle it.

How do I do them? call the other adoptive parents and make sure she is okay with it. Her kids due to "emotional and behavioral issues" might not be a good time.

but if all agree its fine, then just set a date and go.

we visit with my kids siblings about every 4 months. We get invited to her kids parties and they get invited to ours. I found it has been a good experience for my kids to keep in contact with their siblings.