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Excuse me while I vent.... I just met up with some dear, old friends from college days. And they've adopted an adorable girl from overseas. I can tell that they're in denial about the possibility that their daughter may have been affected by inter-country adoption, that she may have special needs as an adoptee. I'd shared my story with my friend about my reunion, about my own experiences as an adoptee, how difficult my reunion & post-reunion has been. And I'd said to my friend that I recommend that she read up on adoption issues as much as she can. Luckily, she'd at least read one of the books I'd recommended to her two years ago, "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections". But she didn't seem to warm much to my mentioning of topics covered in the book, "The Primal Wound". After I related my various difficulties with reunion and recommended that she read up as much as she can she said, "I'll just love my daughter as best I can". Yeah, love is great and definitely necessary. But like other kids with special needs (physical or mental health needs such as visual impairments, early childhood trauma, etc), sometimes 'just love' isn't enough. She'd also made comments such as the fact that her daughter was adopted at 9.5 months, which is early enough before adoptees get separation trauma. Plus, she was proud of the fact that she and her daughter had bonded immediately when they saw one another. In other words, she's inferring, "my daughter doesn't have separation trauma". I guess she hasn't read John Bowlby's "Maternal Care and Mental Health" or other studies that have researched separation trauma that happens with babies younger than 9.5 months. While I'm also glad that she took up my suggestion to hook up with other inter-country adoption families, particularly to form playgroups with other adoptee children, I don't get the sense that my friend is tuning into other adoption-related emotional issues. For example, she'd jokingly said that she would have been happy with any child that the adoption agency had given her but that she was lucky that she was given the girl that she has now. I do hope that her daughter, who was in earshot when my friend made this comment, didn't hear this. And she's so quick to jump on the bandwagon that her daughter's birthmother was an unwed teenager, that there were already too many children in the family and that the extended family couldn't keep her. I chimed in to say that it's also possible that her daughter was relinquished due to the birthmother being pressured, that there are sexist attitudes, i.e. the family consider it a source of societal shame to have an unwed, young mother in the family. And then there's the usual outrage about how long the adoption process takes, the hassles of police checks, etc; Plus, her claiming that UNICEF is blowing the child trafficking stuff way out of proportion. I'd asked my friend just how much preparatory information she'd received prior to adopting her daughter. Unsuprisingly, she said that the info was very sparse. And she said that at least she had a lot of resources, eg. me (yet I'd only recommended one book and talked with her for about a few minutes about adoption - certainly not sufficient adoption-related pre-natal info in my opinion!). And again I chimed in to say that while she's lucky that she's so well connected and has access to international info and adoptees like me, there are many adoptive families that aren't. I also added that I felt it's downright unethical that adoption agencies do not provide much preparatory info - as unethical as non-adoptive parents receiving NO info on pre or post-natal care. I could see my friend recoil as I shared my own personal experiences, mentioned how I could relate to the primal wound theory, how much adoption-related guilt and shame I've had to struggle with and how dealing with my reunion was 10 times more traumatic than dealing with my adoptive mother's death and stepfather's sudden death. And I could tell that she didn't like hearinging me say that I'd even 'tho I'd had deep immersion in Chinese culture, that I'd grown up in Chinatown, that my adoptive parents and I are very familiar with cross-cultural issues, my reunion was painful enough for me to be knocked out for 6 months after my return from my trip to Taiwan in 2006. Her sister had said to me that it'd be good for me to share more of my experiences with my friend. However I'd said that I'll answer questions only if asked as I don't want to be the giver of unsolicited advice. The good news is that my friend had said that if her daughter does want to search in future when she gets older, that my friend will support her in her decision. I can understand how generations ago adoptive parents had very little information about post-adoption issues and adoptee needs. However, with all the information that is now available, I am outraged at the continual denial of adoptive parents regarding adoptee needs and their refusal to read information that is vital to their adopted children's health and well being. No wonder the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) has noted that 1 in 5 inter-country adoptions breaks down. Sheer ignorance and denial continue to prevail in our global society while intercountry adoptions are on the increase. When will inter-country adoptive parents and our society in general have the guts to go beyond pat answers and really look into the complex post-adoption needs of adopted people as well as the systemic injustices (eg. war, poverty, sexism) that are often at the heart of relinquishment in the first place? I'm not against inter-country adoption - just the refusal of parents and our wider society to recognize the needs of adopted people, despite research findings of the disproportionately high rates of ADHD, learning difficulties, suicide, depression, etc; as well as the myriad of other difficulties faced by adopted people. Thank-you to all of you who've read my venting.
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Yes, a child is "lucky" to have avoided the poverty and degradation they were born into. My point is that in adoption to continually ram down a persons throat that they should be grateful because you could have had it worse is nothing short ofabuse itself. Its a form of manipulation...a maneuver to keep someone "in their place". Just because they were "lucky" enough to have avoided the worst ofthe worst does not meanthat they need to stuff every sad feeling, every question about their orgins, every form ofcurosity about who and what they are....they don't need to feel the huge sense of indeptness that some expect of them...just because they were pu;lled from that kind of a situaion. The reality is that ifthey are allowed to express what they feel about the loss of heritage, the loss ofknowledge, the sadnessthat they could not be brought up in their country of orgin, witrh the peole that share the same bllod...like the majority of peole do in the whole world, then they will come to appreciate what they do have.
As an adoptee I would be very angry if someone tried to minimize my pain by saying that my life could be so much worse if I hadn't been adopted. The bottom line is that their reality is what they are currently experiencing, not what may have been. And if their current reality is painful or difficult I don't think they should be told that they should be glad because look at what it might havebeen.
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Good post Dpen, It boils down to respect the child/adults truth, how they feel. Don't negate it with pat phrases like many of us heard like 'bio kids have the same issue', 'your life could have been worse', 'you aren't going hungry', 'you have a good home and a family that love you'... Just accept that the other person has valid feelings and be glad they are comfortable enough with you, that they trust you, to share their truth with you. I learned as a young child just how much each person could deal with in regards to adoption truth...from that day on, that was the level of truth they got... Hearing from adoptive parents and non adopted people in general that say we know other adoptees or our kids never felt that way makes me think - okay they don't feel that way - great, or they learned how much adoption truth you could handle...that is my perception based on my experience. Kind regards,Dickons
I agreewith whatyou are saying...of course just to a point...:love: . Yes, a child is "lucky" to have avoided the poverty and degradation they were born into. My point is that in adoption to continually ram down a persons throat that they should be grateful because you could have had it worse is nothing short ofabuse itself. Its a form of manipulation...a maneuver to keep someone "in their place". Just because they were "lucky" enough to have avoided the worst ofthe worst does not meanthat they need to stuff every sad feeling, every question about their orgins, every form ofcurosity about who and what they are....they don't need to feel the huge sense of indeptness that some expect of them...just because they were pu;lled from that kind of a situaion. The reality is that ifthey are allowed to express what they feel about the loss of heritage, the loss ofknowledge, the sadnessthat they could not be brought up in their country of orgin, witrh the peole that share the same bllod...like the majority of peole do in the whole world, then they will come to appreciate what they do have. If they are respected for who they are....and not minimized, if they can feel self respect for where they came from and not have the feeling of "I should be on my knees in thank s" all the time...they will have an easier time of it. Thats what ripples is trying to get accross...not that an international adoptee feels that they were stolen, or that they won't love aparents, or that if the wuestion they are ungrateful little ****es....you can not just pull a person from their country, heritage, and expect them to just asssimulate without some sort ofquestion, issue or curoisty. For an aparent to be in denial, for an aparent to think that they will just not question or feel something is IN DENIAL. Get out of the denail so you can be a better parent for this CHILD that you admittly had to go through heck to get...it was the aparents decsion to do that, not the child. IF the child is treated as the indivual that they are then they WILL be grateful...if it is about how happy the child has made the parent, or how what the aparent had to pay, or the stress invovled for the parents then the adoptions ceases to be about the childanymore....its about the child repaying the parents for allthe aggravation it was to get them. Thats when an adoptee has issues. Just because they are not voicing them does't mean they don't have them....and as will all things "having issues" runs on a spectrum..some issues will be worse then others and all parents needto deal with the issues of their children.
I agree the parents should not be paranoid about how the child is processing their adoption.. That only brings adoption to thevery front and a child needs to be a child and live a normal childhood as possible...but a little awareness is good, a little less denial won't hurt. As I said, "issues" is a loaded word. Some may jump and beleive the child will have"issues" meaning they will be in mourningtheir whole lives....Isee issues as more in the line of questions, a littlesadness atbeing differnt in some ways, questions where they came from ect. IMO..thats normal.
As I said, "issues" is a loaded word. Some may jump and beleive the child will have"issues" meaning they will be in mourningtheir whole lives....Isee issues as more in the line of questions, a littlesadness atbeing differnt in some ways, questions where they came from ect. IMO..thats normal
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dpen6
As I said, "issues" is a loaded word. Some may jump and beleive the child will have"issues" meaning they will be in mourning their whole lives....I see issues as more in the line of questions, a little sadness at being differnt in some ways, questions where they came from ect. IMO..thats normal.
My main point is that I do hope that for those who do need information, help, empathy and support, will find it, wherever they are in the adoption triangle. It's possible that many, including my friend and her child, may not need much or any. OK bear with me while I get into statistics. According to [URL="http://adoptees.adoption.com/"]Adult Adoptees - Support Information Adopted Issues Search Reunion Articles Forum -[/URL], there are an estimated 6 to 10 million adopted people in the USA alone. If we extrapolate that for every adopted person, there are at least 12 additional people within the triangle related to an adoptee - birth parents/grandparents as well as adoptive parents/grandparents, that means there are approximately 72 to 120 million people in the USA who are touched by adoption. And I haven't even counted birth and adoptive siblings. While I don't know what proportion of the adoption-related population are likely to need support, I'd estimate that it's at least a few. For those of you who may be curious, the info that I'd shared with my friend was in response to her asking about my experiences and views on inter-country adoption. She'd met me when I was getting ready to return to live in Taiwan in 2006 (my second trip after having stumbled across my b-siblings) and prior to her adopting. Because we hadn't caught up in person since 2006 and because she now has an adopted child, my friend was curious to find out how my year in Taiwan with my b-siblings went and what advice I had. In other words, she was curious about the 'before and after' experience, so I told her. In a nutshell, my experience in Taiwan was more gruelling than I could ever have imagined, despite all the international resources and support that I have access to. I shudder to think about the challenges that others (adoptees, birth or adoptive family members) who do not have such access may have. It is my sincere hope that in future when others reach out for help, they will be met with empathy and support rather than denial at best. Happy Year of the Tiger everyone!
While I still think (I guess 'hope' is probably the better word lol) that your friend may have been in "new parent heaven" and not really taking in the "negative" (for lack of a better word), the fact that she ASKED you for your experience changes my answer a bit. She asked, you answered, and all we can really hope is that, even though she made some potentially worrying comments, she did, in fact, internalize your thoughts and experiences and stored them away in her mind in case she needs them.Like manni said, maybe she won't have to deal with many of the big issues. It would be wonderful (and certainly not out of the question) for her child to not have any of the "big issues" that some have. HOWEVER (and it is a big however), being informed and armed with knowledge is a great thing. There is a clear line between being informed and prepared versus being overwhelmed and paranoid.Hopefully you added to her "information armor" and also instilled in her the assurance that should she have more questions about what things you have endured, she has someone to ask.
Ripples,
IMO, your friend is missing out on a great resource for support and education regarding IA. As I mentioned in my previous post I have been feeling somewhat negative about IA lately and feeling guilt about my daughter's first family's circumstances and the fact that she had to lose everything to come here to be with us.
Having said that, our adoption is complete, our daughter is our daughter, we are her mommy and daddy. I need to get over the guilt and negative feelings in order to parent her efffectively. I am doing my best, one of the things I am doing is coming here to get advice and just read posts by folks like Ripples, hpfreak, and Dickons, because they are adoptees and I am not.
My daughter also has some of the issues that were mentioned by angelkisses - she is absolultely obsessed with food, always concerned about where the next meal is coming and even asks for food in the midst of a stomach virus. She is also very clingy, and seeks out adults' attention and approval constantly. While not devastating, I am sure these are adoption related even though she was adopted at a young age. Her adoption does affect her and will continue to affect her for her whole life. I also have 3 bio kids - one with ADHD and one with ADHD and sensory processing disorder, both of which are common in adopted children. So yes...bio kids can have "issues" too, but that doesn't mean you should just sweep adoption issues under the table.
Thanks for the post Ripples, your experiences and opinions are invaluable to me!
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This kind of denial is very frustrating to me as an IA mom. There are so many things she should be doing now that can help her child. Attachment parenting is more than just loving your child. I had and have to deal with the opposite- those that think I am over board for attachment parenting and when there are issues- my believing they are due to insecure attachment.
I agree with you that your friend should educate herself as much as possible. I adopted 2 from Russia in '95 and wish I had been better educated on attachment issues, etc. Like your friend I was in denial. I did read a little but thought that my live would overcome the problems. I am not giving up and have managed to locate a good therapist for my daughter but I ended up having to put my son into an out of state boarding school which further aggavates the attachment issues. I feel guilty over that but his behaviors were above and beyond what I could cope with and since he was targeting his sister I also had to consider her safety. I am hopeful this will be a short term arrangemnet. It is supposed to be 9 mos but I have doubts that he will be ready for reunification that soon. I keep hoping but it doesn't look good right now.
All that being said I do have one question that I would like opinions on. That is the subject of searching for the birth mother. We have almost no information on her other than her name and the fact that she was transient drug abuser. I have very mixed feelings about locating her. On one hand I think the kids would like to find out about her and know if she is safe or not. They are in their teens now and I know they think about her. On the other hand I fear that with all the behavior issues we already have that adding contact with her would just be one more difficult dynamic. Also, I am concerned what happens if we get bad news?
So, I welcome thoughts/opinions.
ritas-mom
All that being said I do have one question that I would like opinions on. That is the subject of searching for the birth mother. We have almost no information on her other than her name and the fact that she was transient drug abuser. I have very mixed feelings about locating her. On one hand I think the kids would like to find out about her and know if she is safe or not. They are in their teens now and I know they think about her. On the other hand I fear that with all the behavior issues we already have that adding contact with her would just be one more difficult dynamic. Also, I am concerned what happens if we get bad news?So, I welcome thoughts/opinions.
Ripples - I wanted to say that it was amazing for me to hear you compare prenatal care with pre-(IA)adoption prep. I think that attitude is right on, and definitely agencies need to take that approach, as do waiting parents.
I won't remember who said what, so I apologize, but:
Attachment parenting rocks, I think it should be especially embraced by adopting parents and taught throught the agencies.
I agree that if you had a decent childhood, be grateful, regardless if you were adopted or not. There's always pros and cons to every situation, and we all have a choice as to how much we'll focus on which. Denial is certainly not healthy though. It's a fine line, I think, between being optimistic and being in denial.
I was not adopted, but I am a child immigrant. A lot of what was said regarding being taken from your native culture resonated with me. I hate the fact that I feel like a stranger in my native country, even though I am fluent in the language. I can't imagine adding to my experience a loss of the language plus no ties to my biological family. I've lost only one out of at least three aspects of what IA adoptees have. It's not debilitating, but it does affect your identity. And btw, my parents do not relate to my sense of loss, bc they left as adults and it was their choice. But in the end, I am grateful that they moved us to the US. It's a mixed bag.
And the idea of volunteering your time with adoption agencies for educational workshops is wonderful. If you'd be so inclined. I as a waiting aparent woudl much prefer to hear first-hand accounts of adult adoptees than read about it or hear a lecture from someone who can't personally relate.
And as someone else pointed out, you were venting, you said you were venting, and frankly you didn't ask any specific questions, so I think you got a lot of unsolicited advice yourself here!
:hippie:
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