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My husband & I are adopting my great newphew & great niece. He is 5 yrs old, she is 1 yr old.
thier mom was my niece. She died of OD, when baby was 3 wks old. We have had my niece since she was 5 mths old, we just got him placed with us 2 wks ago.
we have 6 mths til adoption is final on him.
She is no problem, however she was a baby when we got her, we wanted to keep them together, as they were in separate foster homes.
My nephew has been in foster care since he was 22 mths old. He has been in approx 5 or 6 in that period.
He was abused in almost all of them.
We wanted to get him back with family and reunited with full sibling, as well as a relationship with 2 other older siblings. We thought long and hard and prayed and prayed of what to do.
We couldn't stand the thought of him being away from family and in abusive homes. also the only way that we could get him was adopt only.
we are the only family members who could or would get him and her.
Me and hubby has been married 26 yrs with 3 grown childrenand 1 grandchild. we are 44 & 46 yrs old with a develpmentally delayed 23 yr old son. I also am done going thru menopause.
My questions and concerns are these,.......
Since my nephew has been here, (he has adhd and other behavior problems), we have been trying to be very patient, understanding, longgggg suffering etc... of his needs and what he has gone thru.
Sometimes he is the most lovable child, then he is totally opposite and defiante, abusive, and unruly.
(understandable giving what he's been thru)
but...............
I am unsure if I can handle him, I'm unsure if its fair to him, myself or his sibling (he gets abusive to her & is being an example for her to follow) for us to go thru with the adption or not.
I'm torn between #1 him feeling like family didn't even want him, #2 like I'm letting him & his sister dwn, as well as the rest of my family that wanted them out of foster care, but wouldn't or couldn't get them.
I am sooooo overwhelmed, i don't know what to do. It is not working out! I have mood swings and hot flashes and have other health problems. I wonder if when he is enrolled in school, it things will get better or not. Then i wonder, if i should not enroll him and just tell SW , ITS NOT WORKING OUT!
I know it takes time, but I'm afraid we may have acted on being coerced by family & didn't think fully for ourselves, thus not being fair for this little boy that has been thru so much!!!
It's all abt him, and whats best for him.
I don't want a juvenile delin. in a few yrs.
I had a older son that put us thru sooo much much, he even got shot and almost killed. I question if I'm able to go thru another child that has these problems.
I am at a delimia , what to do.
Is it in His best interest to allow someone else a chance to adopt him, who maybe have more patience, more tolerance and is able to parent him better than us?
If so it needs to be sooner than later, so he doesn't get to attached.
HELP ME PLEASE!!!! (I feel like crying my eyes out, due to mental exaustion)
thanks for allowing me to vent this to you!!
and for any replies!!!
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I am not sure if what I sy is helpful at all but: 1. he came into your family during the holiday season- which is stressful for every one.2. You are just 2 weeks into this- I know for me, I was told that the first 12 weeks are the largest adjustment period- but really it took 6 months to get our balance as a family started and another 6 months after that before I saw the light at end of the tunnel. I can't say what is the best course of action here, but you certainly sound like I did a few years ago and my son was only 2 years old. maybe knowing that you are going through a "normal" adjustment period might help??? My advice- find a trusted adoption therpaist for you, talk to your doctor too and see if there is help they can provide. Have your rules for he family , be firm, be consistent and involve our great nephew's team in finding solutions. My prayers and love to you,
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I think you need to give him a chance. You have had him for a short time. He's been through hell and back and I would expect him to be difficult after going through so much trauma. I think he deserves a chance. I think he deserves to be with his family. If you decide against taking him, will you let him go to a new home with his sister? I think the two of them deserve to grow up together.
It could be just all the stress of having him there and going from 1 child to 2 children. It takes months for the transition to get better. When we brought our niece home it was about 3-6 months before I felt like I could handle her. In the beginning I had the exact same feelings as you did! If anything makes any sense about what I'm saying at all...believe me it gets easier...We also did put her into counseling immediately. She was 6 when coming here and is now 10. Get him into counseling. He may be having alot of anger issues from all the changes. He may need someone to work with him on that. Ask the SW or agency for referrals. Good luck!
It does take time to adjust and considering how many homes he has been in, he has no idea what a normal home is. He is old enough to follow rules, so set your rules and stick to them. It can take a while for him to adjust to any type of behavior modification.
Get him in therapy or counseling asap. If there is a university near you, most will have a counseling center that offers free services. He desperately needs therapy.
It might be possible that he needs medication. Get him evaluated for this. Enroll him in school and get all of his past school records you can. Every bit of info you can get about how he was prior to being in your home will help you figure out what he needs.
There isn't a magic bullet that will change his behavior quickly and I completely understand the level of distress bad behavior can cause. Many of us have had our share of children with issues and can offer you lots of help in that area as well.
I just read you forum and I hope things are getting better for you guys. I am also in Kentucky and I am not sure if you have utilized respite yet. Please PM if I can help you or give you some names of some respite providers that I know.
It is going to take some time and patience hang in there and PM me.:grouphug:
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As someone who took a child to raise when I was 52, I have a few suggestions:1. Get him in school asap. He needs the structure and you need the free time.2. See your doctor for a complete physical. If you are having hot flashes and mood swings you are not "done" with menopause. The right medication for you might help you cope with the added stress.3. Make any decisions based on what is best for you, your DH, and your children. DO NOT let other family members "guilt" you into making a lifetime choice you cannot live with. They had their chance to speak up and take the children and they didn't, so they have no vote in your decisions.
I agree with MamaS.
Take care of yourself. See your doctor. Medication and/or hormones will help you feel better.
This little guy may have lots of issues going on because of the stress in his short life. Get him into attachment therapy ASAP. DCF should help with this.
Get him into pre school like MamaS suggested...you do need a break.
Look on the forums here for the Post Adoption Depression site. This phenonmen truly does exist.
Lots of info and help there.
Come here often for venting and support.
If you do end up having to disrupt, understand that it does not make you a bad person. You must do what is right for you and your family. You will find understanding and god thoughts for you and your family here.
Sincerely,
Saj
I really do feel for you. We brought our daughter home at home, after some recent moves in foster homes. It was not easy at all the first 6 months. In facts, I wondered what I had done and it my life would ever be normal again. Things have settled down a great deal but there will always be issues (for her and us) relating to her life before us. She has long lasting scars that may never heal. I came to these boards several years ago to see if this type of situation gets better or worse. There was no concrete answer. I wish I had one for you. I agree, don't let family guilt you. Take care of yourself. To make it work, the little boy needs a great deal of your time and attention. I wish you the best and know how exhausted you are.
Thanks Everyone for your Replies.
I went and picked up application for headstart today.
(they have been out for Christmas break).
BethanyB I don't think that you understand the entire situation here,....... his sister was in foster care but only in temporary custody, we went to court and the Judge awarded us Full Custody, until she reaches 18, however we are going to adopt her too. (father's rights haven't been TPR'd yet) of course we never hear from him.
My nephew, her full sibling, was the only one put into permanant custody. He was believed to have already been adopted out. (it was defaulted, due to abuse) (they also have 2 older 1/2 siblings (boys) that live with thier bio father, but allows us to see them) the baby girl wasn't here yet. when she was born later, she was born drug addicted to various drugs, thus never leaving hospital with bio mom (my niece, they found her dead 3 wks later of OD)
so how could she go with him, she is no longer in custody of CS. I sure wouldn't just give her up after spending a year fighting to get her out!
I agree with you, they need to be together!!!
Thus is why we have them today! (He never even knew that he had family, he was only 22 mths old, when taken) He doesn't remember his mom,dad, or siblings!
I do have his DISCLOSURE docs, that's how I know of previous abuse and disruptions etc..
He used to be on meds but was taken off by his Dr.
However, I'm also not giving up on him, I fought all yr traveling from state to state abt both of them WITH 2 separate Interstate Compacts ,Gaurdian ad lidam, Separate SW's for Both Children in 2 Different States, They was 2 Separate Cases, they wer NOT together!!!
I was just overwhelmed and needed to vent some REAL questions & Fears, that no doubt we all on here experience! But I thank You & the others for your much needed Support!
I will Ask asap abt the counseling for him.
Thanks Again, Happy New Year!!!
I'll keep you updated!!!!
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i agree with some PP
get him into preschool right away.
it will give you that break to *refresh* and it will do you both a great deal of good.
I would like others suggested get him into therapy.
I think you need to give it more time, like u said he has been thru so much in such a short time.
it could take months before he feels like he is part of the family.....and realize he is there to stay.
good luck with whatever you decide. :)
As others have said, give him some more time. Our 7 yr old acted her worse at about the 2 wk mark. She was loving, playful, happy, but once she didn't get her way, the tantrum would blow.
Immediate consequences for naughty behavior. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with, time outs can be implemented anywhere. I don't get embarressed, people can look at me, whatever...my kid acts up their booties will be sitting on the floor. I tell you it works. but it has to start at home first.
Our daughter would slam doors, scream, cry, kick out at you. She lost TV, playing with her friend next door, whatever it is she likes to do. Now we're at the 2 month mark, and I notice a huge improvement in her. But we're on top of her every step of the way.
If you're able, try to give this guy a longer chance. Definitely look into the options around you, and make CPS help you.
I would not put him in respite care this early on. This would only confuse him even more and think you're giving up on him.
dachshunds4you
Our daughter would slam doors, scream, cry, kick out at you. She lost TV, playing with her friend next door, whatever it is she likes to do. Now we're at the 2 month mark, and I notice a huge improvement in her. But we're on top of her every step of the way.
Oh yes, sorry. I misunderstood. I was thinking the kids came together. I wish you luck in helping this little guy. I think preschool is a great idea and I'm sure it will take time to get him settled. It would be wonderful if you were able to settle this little guy in and show him what a family should really be like.
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I think you have received a lot of great advice. The only thing I would add is to look at getting him on a proper diet, check out books on ADHD diets that address food dyes and gluten. I know people who have had AMAZING results with their children when they follow these diets. Thing is you have to be consistant with it and make sure the schools are consistant!! I know 1 little snack cup of red jello can ruin my nephews whole day!!! Honestly, I would work on a proper diet for 6 months to a year before I would consider medication for ADHD
Anyway, that's just my opinion!! :p