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Hi Ladies,
This is my inaugural post here on this website! My husband and I are about to begin the process of adoption, and I have questions regarding how open the adoption should be.
Personally, we want an OPEN adoption - as in wide open. Naturally, I can see why an adoptive parent would want to remove themselves and their children from the woman who have them their very lives - that's quite a tie, you know? I imagine it would be very easy to be intimidated by a mother who placed her child. You gave them something we never can...life. Will you want them back? Will you resent me? Will you override my wishes/decisions in regard to the child? You know, typical worries that I'm sure all adoptive parents deal with.
I'm not as worried. Maybe I'm naive. Our thought is that there can never be too many people to love a child. And truly, I am already a mom. I have a gorgeous 22 year old stepdaughter. She is as much mine as if I had birthed her. But I respect that she HAS a mother that birthed her, raised her, and adores her, and that relationship must be nurtured and honored if I want my daughter to have a healthy sense of self and family. So I guess I'm just taking that slant with our adoption journey, as well.
I'm not sure we will accept just any "birth" mother. We may actually reject a few before we find what we're looking for. Not that all babies aren't an absolute treasure, it's the mothers I worry about!
What is she decides she doesn't want anything to with us? What if she detaches out of necessity for self-preservation? Can she even know something like that until it happens? I guess what I'm saying is that I need our "birth" mother to stick around. In our family, she won't BE a "birth" mother. She'll just be another mother to our child.
So, here's my question. What's TOO much?
Let's say her name is Jane Doe. She would be Mama J to the baby, and the baby would know her as her Tummy Mom.
I would want notes, cards, photos, etc. to put in the baby's scrapbooks.
She would be in family photos.
She would be at birthday parties, baptisms, etc.
I would expect that she would spend time with us and the baby.
Is this too much? I've never given birth, so I don't know if what I'm proposing is just too hard, or if it's too much to be expected. I'm sure this is, in essence, a personal thing for each mom, but I'm also sure that ya'll can help me see if I'm on the right track.
We will, of course, be the parents of our child. We will ultimately make the choices and decisions. She will be our child in every sense. But we feel strongly that the woman who gives birth to her should be a very big part of her life. Are we on the right track with what we want for our family?
Thanks,
Tracy
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Hi Tracy,
Welcome to the forums and congratulations on your journey!
It's wonderful that you are so open to so many things! My suggestion is to spend as much time as you can reading the posts of women on here in open adoption - mothers from both "sides" if you will.
The one thing I can say is that as much reading I did and as prepared as I thought I was, I just didn't "get" it until I lived it.
I'm an amom with 2 boys and we have OA's with all 4 of their birthparents. The boys are 7 and 9 - times have been both good and bad. We are committed to our OA's and have created, for the most part, really wonderful ties with the boys' other families.
I can say that it's a process. It goes up and down, good times and bad. It's alot of work. Sometimes I think I work harder on our OA's than my own marriage...but it has been worth it in our experience.
I can also say that we wanted notes, pics, cards, gifts, etc. etc. Sometimes it happened, sometimes it didn't. Mostly it didn't. I'm now ok with that. I wasn't for a long time, but I had to look inside myself and see why those things were so important. Then I had to realize that in the scheme of things, the notes and such were "small" and I had to let go of that and concentrate on the big things; encouraging relationships not only with myself and my kids' other parents, but with my KIDS and their other parents. They are now getting to an age where they (for the most part) are creating their own paths with their birthparents.
Another thing is that I also wanted what I wanted when I wanted it (meaning calls, contact, letters). Didn't happen. :arrow: It took me 9 years to realize that I can only manage my part in the relationship and not what the other person says/does/agrees to/etc. (I know this isn't what you're saying at all - just sharing my experience).
We have 4 OA's. One started very open and though it's still open, it hasn't really "developed", even after 9 years...not my choice but it is what it is. One started closed, and now is open - that was an unexpected blessing. Two started open and are still open. It is not always easy navigating 4 unique relationships...Especially the one relationship. But you know what? I still cherish that one on some level because I know that even though things could be better, we're doing what we can. It's not "rosey" but we have done what we could and at times, continue to do so.
The best "advice" I can give is to keep telling yourself that this is all a leap of faith...there is very little control in adoption, but we just keep giving it our best.
My post is probably all over the place, haha, so sorry about that. Like I said - just keep reading the forums - you'll get a much better picture here than in any book...and of course, everything you thought you'd know will go right out the window once you are in the middle of it, lol. :rolleyes:
Best of luck to you! I look forward to "hearing" more about your journey!
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Tracy,
it sounds like you're working through a lot of the tough questions.
The thing is - its really hard to envision your future relationship. You can't orchestrate it, as everyone involved are individuals.
It might be useful to step back and think about why you want an OA. If its merely to ensure your child knows their roots and doesn't rebel in their teenage years, for example.. then its ok if the BM needs to pull back at some point. The child has the memories and knows you did you part to foster that relationship
If you are looking to increase the size of your family by 3 (parents and child), then thats different
Honestly (keep in mind, we adopted from foster care), when I signed up for quarterly visits, it seemed like nothing. One year in, it seems like I'm forever either scheduling a visit, having the visit, or debriefing after a visit.
OT, Lovemy2boys.. I'm loving the avatar. We're leaving in 18 days! woo hoo
Hi there.
I am an adoptive mommy in a very open relationship with our son's birth mom.
I think it's awesome that you want this kind of relationship but I would caution you to not have this vision in your head of what the next 20 years in this relationship are going to be like. If you REALLY want it to work and to ultimatley be what is best for your child you need to let it evolve naturally and let it eb and flow.
In the begining I think it needs to be all about the birth parents. They are going through such a devastating loss and I think contact and visits need to be initiated by them and it needs to be what THEY are comfortable with. Let them know you are there for them but giving them some space. I won't lie-- it's hard! I wanted to call or text my son's birth mom every day but she asked me to please let her initiate contact because getting a random text from me in the middle of her day was really hard.
We saw her about 10 times the 1st month and it was what she needed at the time. I won't lie-- it was a little bit of a pain! Although I LOVED seeing her-- packing up a baby for an hour drive each way was hard. But it's what she needed and our slight inconvience was nothing compared to her grief.
Then she asked to not see him for awhile until she was ready and so we did that. She wanted to be called a special name but then changed her mind and wanted to be called by her first name. It was kind of all over the place and that's fine. It's going to be like that.
It's been about a year now and we all kind of settled into a very real and natural relationship and it feels right and it's working so I'm happy. But I know it will change. There will be times in her life when she might want to see him a lot more and then times when she might pull away. Just be prepared for that and not just about what you think it should be...does that make sense?
And keep in mind that when the child gets older it's going to be all about him/her. We were very upfront with our son's birthmom the last time we saw her and the discussion of "what is normal for visits" came up. We said that right now we're soooo easy going and she knows we love her and always want to see her so if it's good for her to have a visit then we're up for it. And if she feels like she can't handle a visit she can just cancel and we're not judging her. And all of that is cool right now. But when our son is older it needs to be about him---he may feel weird or uncomfortable at some point in his life to have her there for certain things and we all need to respect that. And that she can't cancel if he's planning and all excited for visit because that would really hurt him.
The rules need to change once he's old enough to realize who she is and her role in his life. Hopefully it will all be as easy as it has been.
This is just my 2 cents and I am curious to see what birth moms think...but I think calling her Mommy J or whatever is not healthy on a bunch of levels. I think that is confusing for a child and also not healthy for a birth mom.
YOU are this child's mother after the adoption. You aren't co-parenting. I could be totally wrong on this one...but my 2 cents is that the child should not call her Mommy something or other.
Good Luck in your journey and I am so happy to hear about an a-mom wanting an OA. It can really work if you work at it, and I am so glad you want that for your future child!
I have been praying for a family like your's in my area. We already have three children but dont feel like we can take care of another child right now. As a mommy I know what kind of gift I'm considering giving to someone and I dont believe any child can ever have too many people who truely love them.
I think because I have children it is harder and easier in some ways... I would love to be able to see my baby all the time - but see in my mind s/he will always be my baby - but I wouldnt want to be mommy that wouldnt be fair to ask... I want you to take care of my child and love my child, live with and support them when I can't but I still want to be mommy... No being a mommy is a 24 hour a day job and its all overtime - but nothing else pays better. By allowing you to adopt my child I am asking you to do that for me.
Dont share 'mommy' with anyone :love:
As far as your other concerns I think it all comes down to boundaries and mutual respect.
Good Luck I think the family you pick will be blessed to have you.
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I think it's great that you want such an open adoption, but I think you also need to be careful to be respectful of birthparents. Sometimes, they need to step away and grieve a bit, and other times, they want a lot of contact. It's a very fine line to walk, as an adoptive parent trying to do right by the birth parent.
And, you never know how a birthparent is going to act once you finalize your adoption. My son's birthfather has been AWESOME-- we have a great open adoption with him. My son's birthmom has been rude, demanding, accusatory, and just plain mean to me since we adopted.
My daughter's birthmom is pretty much MIA. We hear from her about twice a year, and that's it. She doesn't really have an interest in having a very open adoption, and I have to be ok with that.
I think it's good to have an idea of what you would like in an open adoption, but you have to remember to be flexible and like others have said you can't force others to step up and do their part. A relationship takes both sides working together. I don't think you can ever really know how things will play out and who will stick around but you can doyour best to match yourself with someone who really wants the same things you do and go from there.