How much to tell...

I think honesty goes along with age-appropriateness in these situations. For instance, if a bparent were into drugs then it's age-appropriate to only tell a 5 year old that their bparent was "sick" and couldn't take care of them. As they get older and more mature, you can give details as to what kind of sickness, etc. Little kids don't need details that are not for their ears so as long as you tell the truth from the beginning and then add the details as they get older, there shouldn't be any honesty issues. It really just depends on your particular situation but just be as honest as you can be without giving your child inappropriate information. Sometimes the truth hurts...that's true for anyone adopted or not. BUT the truth is ALWAYS better than lying or with-holding. Good Luck!!

Thanks Amy... Its such a blessing to have adopted these precious children and protecting them comes so naturally. I completely understand when you talk about age appropriate and I feel like I can handle this while they are young. Its when they are old enough to want to know the details ugh! I would never want them to feel like they were not wanted by their parents but the poor choices they made created a situation that was not suitable for raising children. That part is easy to relay, but the details of the "situation" is what is hard for me! Mom is an severe alcoholic that drank through her whole pregnancy and that is why my princess has some problems that she will have to live with her whole life. How sad and hurt would I be to think my mother behaved this way... How can I possible tell her that without crushing her soul? And the dad.. Well that's even worse. Thanks for the advice I really needed it.

My kids are now 15 and almost 14 and we have experienced all and more of what you are talking about =-= AND have managed to maintain a fairly positive open adoption. Basically, complete honesty in an age appropriate manner and always make it about the first parent, NOT the child. For example, I would say "Your birth mom was making choices that made it unsafe for her to take care of ANY child at that time" (notice I didnt use YOU) "Your birth mom didnt know how to take care of babies safely then, and all babies need parents that know how to be safe" As they got older, we told them more of the truth (abuse, drugs, addictions, poverty, etc) and explained more of the historical, cultural and societal reasons for that. But our kids knew their whole story by 12 or so. Honestly, I cant think of anything they dont know now - and we have their complete file, and access to tons of information, plus we have direct contact with both parents. Slowly, honestly and allowing them to feel whatever they want. My big mistake is that I probably pushed the "they loved you, you should love them" line a little too much. Honestly, they are allowed to be very angry at their abusers -- now "I" will chose to respect them and send them pictures and talk nicely to them because they are a part of you and you are SO wonderful and SO amazing I know your birth parents must have those parts to them too (which models for our kids that they didnt inherit "being bad" from their first parents) but you dont have to. Until the kids were 10 or 11 or so I "made" them participate, even passively, in our contact, but since that point I do not.

I think what you will realize is that if you dont begin to explain to your daughter WHY her brain is different she will begin to think she is bad - that she is a failure etc. We explain it to our son in this way "Your brain works differently. This is not your fault. It is NOT fair and its ok to be very angry at L for her choices that did this to your brain BUT it is your responsibility and now we have to work helping you deal with it" In other words, its not an excuse or a cop out but it is a reason - and the therapies, and tutoring and support and medications etc ARE his responsibility. It sucks, it is NOT fair ... but it is their reality. There are ways to word the choice, but honestly, it will benefit your daughter far more to understand that although this was dont "to" her it wasnt her fault. Its ok if she gets angry at her first mom - it really sucks what her first mom did to her - but at the same time, hopefully she can feel loved and supported as she deals with teh consequences of her mother's actions.

Jensboys - I am sooo greatful for your advice. That is exactly what I was looking for are examples of wording things so she doesn't feel at fault but yet doesn't use that as an excuse either! I love it and hope you don't mind me stealing your lines :) I have another question if you don't mind... In your situation they have contact with first parents which I think is great because as they get older they can confirm their life stories but for my princess her mom is 45 and right before she was to return home to her first parents, bio mom got totally drunk while she was in her care and after she was discovered the bio mom took off and called CPS and said she wants to continue drinking and has never been heard from again. So my princess may want to find her some day (if she's still alive) and how do I handle that? Of course I will support her but the fact that she has abandoned her is a hard fact to swallow. What do you think???