re contacting extended family

Cath, That is wonderful news that your uncle was open minded. As to the cousin - that is a common enough reaction and most likely is money/will related, it is something that time will give them the answer. If confronted about why and waiting so long try to explain the fears of rejection, difficulties in even getting the name, just the entire gamut of what ifs. Take this time to just absorb all the feelings of meeting kin. Don't rush to know everything and just let the relationship develop over time like you would any new individual you meet. Such a wonderful connection. Keep in touch. Kind regards,Dickons

Hi cath, extended family is how I made contact with my bfamily. If the family was fairly close they most likely know when there is a baby in the family. I to had the feeling that some of my bfamily members thought I was looking for something more than freindship and family history.(money/will.) I sadly had lost my bmother seven years before (only 40 years old), but knowing that she died of breast cancer is a good thing to know for me as well as my daughter. And not to leave out my two half brothers that I got to meet. Best of luck!!!

Hi Booth65 Thanks for your supporting words. Even though my bmothers family was close, she went to NZ to work and got pregnant and gave birth while she was over there which is why noone knew I existed. According to the adoption pack, she had very mixed emotions about giving me up. Like you, it was good to know the reason she passed away, she had a heart attack at 39 and I have seen my doctor about this history (Combined with her obstetric history, I suspect she may had a clotting disorder). I just feel so sorry for her. Anway, I have now talked to three uncles and met one of them and a cousin. They all seem really happy about the situation. (Actually I just got off the phone to the latest of my uncles to contact me just as I saw your message). I have sent photos to one of my uncles and they all think I do look like my bmother so that helps. Anyway, I'm rambling on a bit. I am just going with the flow at the moment, I am letting the family members contact me when they are ready. I don't really know what the cousins themselves think about it all, I'm not sure they really care that much either way. How did you find your relatives? I discovered my bmother had died by looking up her name on the internet and then doing some research via obituaries electoral rolls. By the way, I'm glad you have some brothers, were they happy about meeting you? I'm sorry about your mother having breast cancer, my adoptive sister has it at the moment. These days, the prognosis is much better. Again, thanks for your message. Its good to know that other people are in the same boat.

Hi cath, Heres my story on how I found my bfamily, It was back before we could just go online and surf. My amom sent off for my records, but I didn't do anything with them for almost ten years, by then I had a loving wife for support. My records had names of aunts, uncles, bmoms bdate and town, which was one hour away. So my wife and I loaded up, went to the library in the town bmom was born in and spent a day looking. With the info we had I was able to verify phone numbers, and than called my bmoms aunt. My bmoms aunt was glad to here from me, knew that I was given up for adoption, and thats when she told me they had lost my bmom seven years earlier. She than told me to call my bmoms sister, which she then called my bmoms husband and than he called me to tell me that I had two half brothers. My first meeting was with aunts and bmoms husband as I think he was just checking me out before he told his sons about me. My two brothers both called me the next day. Since than we have met a few times talked on the phone,but the last few years we haven't. On the positive side my youngest bro said if you get an e mail address, we could keep in touch better.(and yes we are the last hold outs, now in 2010 we do have the internet!) My bmom was 15 years old when she had to make that choice, and Im glad she did, as I had the best family to grow up with, and a chance at life! I feel lucky, but wished I could have thanked her for letting me have a chance at a good home! Tell your asister to hang in there, I know several ladies around here that have been cancer free, after having breast cancer! Take care!

Hi Booth65 I had a happy upbringing too. I have three adoptive brothers and sisters (older brother and sister are twins, their mother died a long time ago, brother has met his brother, sister not interested) and younger brother (whose birthmother came looking for him and they get on very well). Mum and Dad will always be Mum and Dad for me, however, I suspect that if I had been brought up by my bmum I would have been well loved too as both my mother and grandmother sound like they were lovely people and my uncles/cousins seem very nice and down to earth country people (I spent a lot of time sussing the cousins out on Facebook before making first contact and they didn't seem too freaky lol). However, having said that, with my bmother having twin girls that died at birth when I would have been 8 and then dying herself when I would have been 16, I don't know how I would have coped at the time with those tragedies. I had a very tragedy-free upbringing, in fact no one close to me died until I was at least in my 30s. My adad's death was the one that hit me the most but even then he had a very long illness (in fact the weekend before he died, I thought that he couldn't go on much longer (he couldn't even smile in the end) and he died on the following Monday) Are your brothers on Facebook? Perhaps you can keep in touch with them that way. My contact uncle and I email each other a lot but I can keep up with what's happening with the others via Facebook. I had no interest in Facebook until trying to find out about the relatives and then found almost all of my cousins were on there. I suspect that after I've met everyone, the interest will die down and the contact will be a lot more sporadic. At the moment, because no one knew I existed, the contact uncle and I are trying to work out what was what. At least someone in your bfamily had heard of you, though I suspect that if she had lived to my 18th birthday she would have told someone then because of the possibility of me coming to look for her (which I wouldn't have, I would have left it up to her as I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt her life). Finding where my bmums family was easy, making the decision to contact them was hard but I'm glad I've done it now. Where it goes from now, who knows. I really appreciate hearing from both you and Dickons. It is good to hear from other people who will also have the choice of meeting their bmother.

sorry I meant to say at the end "who will never have the choice of meeting their bmother"!

Hey cath, It was nice chating with you. I wish you the best with your family, both adoptive and birth. It's nice to have adoption.com and the people that come here. You take care now!

Hi all (especially booth65 and dickons) Just an update to say that I went on a trip with my contact uncle to meet all my relatives and see where my bmother grew up/worked etc. It went really well and hopefully we will all keep in contact (most of the relatives are on facebook so that helps). My contact uncle and I are going to try and find out who my bmother went overseas with. Strangely, I feel more upset about things now that when I first found out she died, probably because I've seen lots of photos, heard lots about her (and she was apparently a lovely, kind person and was very attractive), though funnily I think I am just upset about the situation of her life (losing babies, dying so young) as about the fact that I will never meet her. If she died of a heart attack at 65 and had other children, I would probably be nowhere near as upset. Do either of you still have feelings about your bmother's death? Anyway, I'm sure I'll get over it and I do like hearing anecdotes about her. I don't want just hearing good things, I'd like to know all different things. I (and her brother) really would like to know what happened overseas and maybe even find out about my bfather (though it is not the end of the world if we don't) I feel a bit obsessed at the moment but it has only been 2 months since I made contact. I have been very respectful of my birth relatives feelings as I feel that being the one making contact, I have to be careful intruding on their lives. I think that they have been happy to meet me because they all seemed to love their sister very much, but even so, I have to be careful not to take up too much of their time. I have not really shown any emotion in front of them so they have no idea how I really feel about things. Anyway, I'm rambling on so I better sign off.

Kath, Your feelings are about as normal as they come!!! Up until we actually see the first picture, meet our first biological relative - it is all simply knowledge that they exist but are like shadows or ghosts. Once you cross that threshold you are triggered and it is like a waterfall of emotions that you probably never experienced at this level. For me I was too busy with life to have more than a weekend every 6 months or so when I really thought about it and was bothered by it deeply, and it usually was because something triggered me. I am reading a book by Being Adopted - the Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky and while just starting it - it talks about the different life stages and after the childhood stages there is the young adults crisis of Intimacy versus Isolation, middle adulthood - leaving behind solmething for the next generation, late adulthood the final effort to come to terms with it and the different events that trigger adoption reflections. My latest triggering was almost dying...The book might be good for you and he is a respected professional. The people studied are like you and I - closed adoptees. I do think you will find though that because your mother has already passed away you will never feel that complete understanding of who she was as an individual...my family has been completely open but I only feel like I have glimpses of who she was. But it is what it is and it is better than not knowing anything. Start joining in the conversations - it really is nice to talk to others on general and adoption topics when we are all from this world of adoption. Take care,Dickons

Hi Dickons thanks for the info about the book. It looks interesting. In regards to your last paragraph, I do read a lot of the other topics on this site and realise that a lot of people have different problems and also I can see how helped they are by all the replies. Just knowing that other people are in the same boat is very helpful.

Hi cath, Its nice to here that your meeting with your bfamily went well. Its a lot to take in all at once isnt it! As for how I feel about my bmoms death, I was sad that she had such a short life, wished I could have told her that I was just fine, had a good family and greatful that she chose adoption. I think time will help you with your feelings. It did help me. Dont let it get you down, Im sure she wouldnt have wanted you to hurt or be upset. Good luck on your research overseas, I dont have much to go on about my bfather, and not for sure if Im ready. Always remember you have these forums for support. Best of luck to you!

Hi Booth65, Thanks for your kind words. Just having you and Dickons to chat to on these forums, knowing you are in the same boat, helps immensely. I certainly don't regret contacting the family as they are all lovely and I felt pretty comfortable with them when I met them, there was no real awkwardness at all. I am interested in getting to know them for themselves not just as my bmothers family and I think that helps. I mean, I really enjoyed hearing everything I could about my bmother on the trip but I also was interested in hearing about my relatives lives as well. Also in regards to my bfather, I am not entirely sure whether I want to meet him (if we can ever find who he is), however I have discovered my bmother went to NZ with a female friend so we are going to try and locate that friend. It would be interesting to find out what my bmother actually did in NZ, the relatives are a bit unclear (well it was 46 years ago lol). Thanks again Catherine

Hey cath, Its sounds like you have a lot of reasearch ahead of you. I enjoy researching when I have time. The only reason I havent really went out and looked for my bfather is that my meeting with my bmoms family and our continued relationship went so well, Im to chicken to take a chance and have bfathers reunion go bad, but sometimes if we dont take a chance we will never know. (Im just a big chicken). Each case is different, You, Dickons and I have adoption in common, but each of us handle it in different ways. We are all lucky that someone made the choice to put us up for adoption. Good luck on finding that lady friend of your bmoms, even tough its been 46 years, maybe she will remember something! Take care.

Hi Booth65 Nice to hear from you. It's not the end of the world if I never find who my bfather is. My uncle and I think that if my mother went with a friend from the towns she grew up in/went to school in, it might not be too hard to find the girl (especially as everyone seems to be related to each other). I don't expect the friend to remember much if we do find out who she is (I find it hard to remember yesterday lol) but she might know something. Anyway, I personally think the more important thing is to keep in touch with the new uncles/cousins. I'm not pressuring them in anyway, I am going with the flow. Most of the cousins and some of the uncles are on Facebook and have email so that makes it easier.

Hi cath, I wish you the best on your quest, This is my busy time of the year, so I wont be online much. I will check from time to time to see if you post anything and how it is going. I know Dickons is on here alot if you need some support or quick advice.Take care and dont let anything get you down!