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Hey there, I see this board isn't real active but I wanted to put this out there for any thoughts...
I am a single foster mommy to three kids. I got into fostering because I was feeling the need to be a mommy real bad and it wasn't happening any other way. I wasn't planning on adopting, just providing a safe and secure place for kids going through a rough time.
Now, 2.5 years later, I am starting the process of adopting my 3 year and by the end of the spring will most likely start on my 1.5 and 5 year olds too.
It wasn't what I planned, but is kinda how things turned out. These kids have been with me so long, the baby has only been with me and I love them so much. I've prayed and prayed about this and continue to feel a strong yes that these kids are supposed to be with me.
However, I know that there will be some people in the LDS community who aren't going to understand because I'm not giving these kids an "eternal family." although I feel like I am creating a family for them. This is not how I would have chosen to do things, but here it is.
My own ward is very very supportive as they have seen these kids come in and grow and change and really truly go from being wild and crazy to my own kids. However, I won't be here forever, and am actually planning on moving back to Utah after the adoptions are final because that is where all my family is. Two of my kids are black, the middle one is white and I am white. I'm really worried about our family not being accepted as a real family when we change wards or go to Utah and after all these kids have gone through, to get that kind of reaction could be very harmful to them.
Any thoughts on this scenario. I don't want to get all defensive or feel that way around people nor do I want to have to get into all the past history of the kids to help make people understand how and why this all came to be. I guess I'm just hoping people are a little kinder than I remember them being when I was a kid.
Thanks.
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The older folks will likely be fairly judgemental. Unfortunately Old School train of thought lingers with that generation. However, none of our generation will likely give it much thought. I'm sure a lot of the thoughts will more likely run in the same directions of "how does she do it alone?" "Why would you pick to do it alone" and similar themes. There are LOADS of single parents in the church nowdays for a myriad of reasons. Utah can still be more judgemental (especially northern utah), but there's a bit more tolerance/understanding these days. Plus in the 80's culture as a whole was less tolerant of individuality, and differences. I notice these days it's no big deal to be original or different. In fact, it's nearly celebrated. When you move somewhere, just be sure to let people know that you're not interested in their opinion of your choices in growing a family. It'll stop soon enough.
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I worry about this as well, quite a bit, as I consider single parenting. I'm okay with my child(ren) growing up without a dad if that's how it ends up happening, and I personally feel that a loving God isn't going to tear apart a family simply because they didn't dot the i's and cross the t's in this lifetime at least--but I expect others will feel that way, including those within my family.
Much to my surprise, just a few weeks ago when I was seriously questioning whether or not this would be accepted within the church TWO of my friends casually mentioned they also have considered single parenting (one to the point of researching sperm banks!). We are all in our midtwenties, in that range where the pressure is on to get married, with no significant prospects in sight. All of us have spent significant time with children and are beginning to feel we are ready for our own. So apparently my thoughts & feelings on the matter are not as completely out there as I thought!
People are still cruel to those who are different, unfortunately I've seen a lot of this specifically within UT county. Honestly, the "better than you" mindset has put me on the edge of leaving the church at times. But I remind myself that's culture, not doctrine--and choose to associate with those who are open minded and accepting, and let myself feel sorry for those who are missing out on a great relationship because they won't accept me for who I am (how's THAT for egocentric self esteem?). Those types of people I want to be around are those who will be accepting, and I seek out those relationships. Hopefully by building those relationships you can buffer your children against those who are not accepting.
God bless you:) As a single mother of 2 of my own, why is it any different? You are a loving person willing to give your heart and home to these children. I commend you in your choice. As a member of the church you may face some oppostion but does it really matter? And you never know what the future holds. I think you are making a choice right for you and if you feel confident in your decision then go for it. God will guide you and your family. Good luck!
I think giving the kids a home that is stable and filled with love is God's plan. You can't live your life waiting to see what people are going to think. Every Sunday I sit there listening to stories that aren't all the way true. People can be stupid and don't feel like you owe them any explanation. They are your children, enough said. Give the kids a home and I like to believe Heavenly Father in his loving way will work everything out.
It is true that you are not giving them and eternal family, but without you they may not have any family at all. I think it is a personal choice because you are the one who has to live with the choice. Personally I completely understand your situation and say good for you! Besides, who knows, you may get married yet! Either way I believe that Heavenly Father will work it all out in the end. Good luck with the adoption processes!
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Thanks for all your kind words. It took me awhile to get back here.Well, for my 3yo, the adoption will be final next month! He will be mine all mine and he is loving that idea. He keeps asking me if he's my son and then saying that I'm his mommy. Its really fun. He has some serious special needs that are going to take some work but I'm excited. The other two... its likely heading towards adoption but I'm still waiting for a judge to tell me that.In my own ward and life I get alot of the "I can't believe you do it all alone!" expressions since I work full-time on top of having these three kids sometimes I can't believe it either, although I don't tell them how often we go through drive throughs or how many clothes all of us have because there is no way I can get all the laundry done, but I guess that's life.I still plan on moving to utah and still worry. With my 3yo most people won't assume he is adopted, but with the other two it is pretty obvious. I guess after dealing with the same questions I'll come up with some good standard answers. Anyway, thanks for showing me that there will be people who will accept us the way we are.
Hi, I live in Utah, and thought I could give a little insight on your concerns. I've been a single mom for several years (married now). I have dated people of different races. My best friend is a black Southern Baptist. There are mixed race families in my ward.
My ward is great about the mixed race families, though I have seen a lot of racism from them toward my friends. Racism is still a big deal out there, I'm sorry to say. It isn't everyone; there are some wonderful and accepting people around too.
Being a single mom carried almost as much stigma as the race thing. I was not allowed to attend the single young adult activities in my ward because I had children.
Then there is the issue of my autistic kids. Most of the primary teachers were not very good with them, and the schools are awful. They are now in young women's. The girls are nice, but none have offered real friendship. Some of the leaders are excellent. Others, not so much. Some people just don't care to understand. I hope you find those who do care.
Kudos to you for all you do for your children.
I wish you the best of luck.