Ready but scared.. how does this work?

Hi! I've completed a step parent adoption in CA. I'm not a lawyer so this isn't official legal advice, I'm the adoptive parent and this is what I know based on how it was when we went through it with our son. You will need to notify your child's biological father. He should be served with the notice of your petition to terminate his parental rights and your petition to allow your husband to adopt. I know this part makes you nervous, it made us very nervous as well, as there's just no way to know how the person will react, and before the outcome is secure, every step in the process can be a little bit scary. It's still really important for more than one reason. First, it's important that everything be done ethically and that he be allowed to participate in the process, mostly for your child's future well-being and trust in you. If this doesn't happen, someday if and when your child meets with him later in life, he'll be able to tell your son that you did it behind his back, and that will seem suspicious, because why would you need to do it that way, if it was the right thing and you were only telling the truth? Secondly, it will create a documented record through the courts of why things happened the way they did, what each parent had to say, what the investigator recommended and what the judge decided. For a child whose questions of "why?" may come in stages and at different depths throughout his life, this can be important. My son never has to wonder why things happened the way they did, because he knows, because it's all there in black and white. Now, he wasn't given it all in childhood as that would not have been appropriate, but he's an adult now, almost 21, and so there is nothing hidden from him and those records are his to keep as part of the story of his life. Lastly, if you are living in the truth and the truth is on your side, you have nothing to fear. It may very well be a bumpy ride through the process, but truth should prevail and if things are as you say, it should be a fairly slamdunk case. You will need to submit your statement, the petition to terminate parental rights and petition to adopt. An investigator will be appointed who will speak with you, your child, and the biological father. He/she will gather everyone's statements into a report, along with his/her observations, conclusions, and recommendation to the judge. Someone will also come to inspect your home to make sure that it is safe and healthy. On the final court date, after the investigator has completed all the interviews and investigating and submitted his/her report to the judge, your ex has the right to appear in court and to plead his case before the judge if he protests. But, if abandonment has already happened, the child is already bonded with your husband and your home is a happy and healthy one, it is highly unlikely that any amount of protesting on his part will change the outcome, because the standard for abandonment will have been not only met, but well exceeded. It's a nervewracking process I know! And it was frustrating how long it took to complete it all. But it was worth it in the end. And as scary as it was to anticipate the initial response to the notice, it is very worth it to know that we acted ethically, honestly and openly and all was right in the end. One more word of advice. :) Please know that this is just a legal process, albeit a very important and meaningful one, it's still just a legal reality. Your son may still wish to know and be in contact with his biological father at some point in his life. He may at some point become part of the ongoing reality of your son's life and your life, and your son may invite him back into his life whether it be as a friend, relative or father. This can potentially be more difficult and scary than the legal process was, but I've been there as others have as well, and we can help each other prepare for, and deal with, that reality as it comes. This doesn't necessarily end your son's story with his biological father. It's a chapter, but there may be more chapters yet to come and it's important to keep that in mind. Good luck! Don't be afraid to come here for support or with questions and keep us updated. :)

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it! And you are very right, I want to make sure everything is done ethically and my son will absolutely know all that has taken place. As for finding his bio. I've searched online many times and cannot find an address for him. Last I knew he moved to a different state. His most recent arrest records online show that state to be his address but doesn't list the actual street. I never really knew any of his family and don't have contact info for them. I know his mothers name but nothing is coming up in the people searches for her name and state. It's possible that I don't have the correct last name for her. I know 2 friends that lived in my city. That is really the closest I could come to inquiring about him. Is that good enough? Or do I have to pay for a service to dig him up ?My only fear is that he will use the fact that I moved out of state as an excuse to why he hasn't made contact. But the fact of the matter is I told him I had planned on moving in Nov. 2005. He told me to go (u know where) changed his number and skipped town. I tried to contact him a week later and his phone was disconnected. I contacted his friend and he told me he went south and didn't want to give me any info. I didn't believe it at first and expected him to be on my doorstep any day. But that never happened. I didn't move out of state until May 05.. he never made an attempt from Nov. to mid May. I half expected him on Christmas at least .. and nothing. Not a call .. not a card.. just dropped off the face of the Earth.At the time I was living with my parents. Who still live in the same house and have the same phone number. He has never once come to the house or called to ask about my son or his whereabouts and both of my parents are willing to write statements swearing to that. I know that everything we know is true and that if he were to try to fight it for any reason he would be basing it all on lies. It just scares me to have to deal with him in person and to have him know where we live. He isn't the most stable person and there has been violent altercations in the past. I just worry about inviting that into my sons life. I know that one day he will want to make contact with his bio. And although it makes me uncomfortable, it's really not my decision to make. When he is of age, it will be up to him and neither I nor my husband will stand in the way of that or will make him feel bad about it in any way. However, until the age of 18, I do not plan to allow any contact whatsoever. I just do not feel that it is in my childs best interest to have any contact with a mentally unstable, felon and drug addict. Our life is very calm and stable and I have no desire to invite a person like that into our lives to disrupt it. I have saved pictures for him and I am willing to discuss everything openly with him and answer any questions he will have in the coming years. Without making the bio look like a horrible person. I really am scared to death. This is what has kept me from filing all this time. The thought that he would even have the audacity to show up.. and that we would have to see him.. or that MY SON would see him... it just terrifies me.. especially since that means he will know where we live. I may really consider moving after all this because I fear the rest of my life I will be looking over my shoulder.

Any updates? I am wondering because I am going to face a very similar situation...except I know where bio dad lives and he has voluntarily forfeited his rights to his son. He stopped paying child support but sends Christmas and birthday gifts to my son, probably just out of guilt. There is a restraining order for bio dad's domestic violence so he was given supervised visitations, which he did for a handful of times and then decided not to exercise his rights. I think we have a surefire win with the adoption process by my future husband, once we are married, but I am just wondering if there have been cases where the judge has granted a second chance to the bio dad?