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Hi all!! I am new to this group. I recently placed my son for adoption. He is now 4 weeks and 1 day old today. I miss him terribly and think about him 24/7. The adoption is open so I do talk to the adoptive parents on a regular basis. Right now it is every 2-3 days. The longest I have gone with no phone call was 4 days and I thought I was going to go crazy. I guess I just need to know what is considered normal and what is not considered normal. I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and having another baby at my age was so not in the picture however it did happen. I found my self stuck between deciding whether to keep my son or place him for adoption. I never pictured my self in this situation or even having to deal with raising another child by my self. The family I chose are wonderful people and I consider them angels sent from above. My dilema right now is these feeligns I am having. I want my son home with me something awful but at the same time I am happy that he in a home that has a mom and a dad. Something I am unable to give to either one of my children. There are moments where I think that I don't care if I am going to have to struggle more financially to take care of another child, who cares if there is no father in the picture, then there are moments where I think that I made the right decision but why didn't I think this way when I had my 2 oldest boys. I want nothing but the best for all my boys but I feel guilty that I chose to keep my oldest and in away I gave my baby away for someone else to raise for me. Is this normal thinking??? I almost feel like I lost someting during this process. I feel very empty. I'm jealous that the family I chose can give my son the things I can't and I am jealous that they have family and friends that are there to help them when they need it. I should have all that. I want all that. Seriously is this normal?? I feel like I am grieving in away I haven't since my grandmother passed away. My son has not passed, he is very much alive. He is this perfect little person I gave birth to but can't enjoy. I have even considered reversing the adoption. Then I clear my head for moment and go back to the 'he's better off' moment. Is it normal to flip flop like that?? I mean does that ever go away or just get easier with time??
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Yes, I think your feelings are normal, including the flip flopping. As far as placing the youngest goes, remember that every child is "born into a different family." Even though you are the parent in each case, all sorts of things are different: financial status changes, a family with one child has different dynamics than one with two or with three, your maturity level and thought processes change. Can you talk to a grief counselor? One who understands adoption issues? It can be really helpful. For most of us the pain subsides, but life will never be the same. How are your older two dealing with this?
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