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Hey, I'm hoping some of you might be able to help.
Two months ago I got my former foster son back after he spent 15 months with his MGM who was on track to adopt him.
After some beaurocratic ICPC crap and most likely a CW who didn't want her to adopt, her homestudy suddenly failed and he was sent out of state and back to me.
There are no other relative options and she learned yesterday that they only real option now is adoption by me. She is devastated and misses him so badly. We had been out to visit him and would talk regularly so I know some of the reasons they removed him were crap but my own account and her account and everything else is for naught.
She is talking of getting an attorney and I've encouraged her to do what she feels like she needs to do so she doesn't feel like she just gave up. My FS has been in care for over two years and TPR happened over a year ago. I love him so much and know all this transitioning has been hard. I had a very hard conversation with grandma last night where she cried about losing him.
Over the last year she and I have grown closer and already felt like I had gained an extended family by fostering him, and I tried to tell her that me adopting him would just make that extended family official. They are his family and I have no intention of changing that. The only change is that he will get a mommy in me.
I know she is grieving and struggling but I am wondering if there is anything I can do to make this easier on her while also helping my FS continue to transition. We are states apart and while I plan on a get together sometime in the future ... and obviously nothing is final yet so sometimes it seems strange to even think about all this ... I wonder what I can do now so things will be ok in the future.
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My guess is that she will probably learn to accept him being with you and be happy about it. I would not expect that to happen until after you finalize the adoption. Our kids grandparents have changed their point of view considerably since TPR and us transferring to adoptions. They know it is really happening now and they can process and grieve. Before, it was all so up in the air.
My daughter's grandfather had a heart attack on the day of TPR. We weren't in the picture at the time (not that it would have made a difference) but he was her primary caregiver a lot and he was heartbroken. I think you are doing about all you can do. She has to grieve this loss. Even though he will be in her life, it is still such a huge loss.
Thank you so much for your support.I really want my FS to know that he didn't lose her and her to know that she didn't lose him either. I feel so deeply that he is in the right place and was always meant to be with me. I know it will take her some time to process everything.I think she is starting to try which helps. She called me when he was taken from her and pushed for him to be placed with me again so I know she is glad that of all the places he could of gone, that he was back with me so that does help.I feel so much for these grandparents that go through the hard process of having children who make bad decisions and then not being able to have a part in their grandchildren's lives. Its got to be so rough. Thanks again.
Simply keeping her informed of her grandson's well-being, allowing her to send cards and occasionally speak to him on the phone will be helpful. She will probably always grieve over the loss of her grandson though. My adaughter's great grandma says she still cries after every visit and gets depressed for several days afterwards.
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Well, the judge this week approved me as R's adoptive placement! Yea, we are getting started on paperwork.However, I had to talk to grandma and tell her what is happening. She was pretty upset but is coming to terms with everything a little bit more. She said she keeps reminding herself that just because he is with me, doesn't mean she lost him.She even talked about how far away we live from each other how she wishes we were closer. I actually wish we were closer too and hope that in the next 2-3 years I can make that happen, but it will take awhile.However, with all that, my impression from her was still that she isn't realizing that he is going to be my "son." I don't think we've reached that point at all.I hope you guys are right and that once the adoption is final she will be able to finish grieving and I will be able to help her be grandma and not the mommy she thought she was going to be.Oh ya, I once again reminded her that she is still his family and they are a part of him and as far as I'm concerned they will be treated like any other extended family member.I do want to go out and visit, but I decided after our phone call that I need to wait until after the adoption is final that way we are truly settled in.Thanks so much everyone.