Just Wondering...

I am new to these boards... I found myself unable to sleep, with a lot of my mind and my only thought was to get online and find some support. After reading a lot of these posts, they confirmed that my situation is a very unique one, so I am hoping that maybe I am able to find someone else in a similar situation or someone who can validate my feelings. I was a product of my Mother's first marriage, to my biological father. Soon after I was born, my Bdad made horrendous life choices that lead my mother to divorce him. While my Bdad was incarcerated, she remarried and my "Step Dad" Adopted me while I was 3 or 4 years old. My Bdad gave up his biological rights, and I never saw him again. However, I have always been in contact with his family and see them regularly. This was a decision made by my mother, who told my Bdad that if he were to have any contact with me, or present himself at any of his family functions while I was in attendance, his family would no longer have visitation rights. After my parents, (BMom&ADad) got married, they had my sister. Throughout the years, my sister has even been included in my Bdad's Family functions. I must admit, that growing up in a family with both of my parents and their child, myself being (Biologically) only my Mother's, has caused waves. Growing up, I knew I was adopted, and perhaps it was chance that my Sister and my ADad have such similar personalities that happen to be the exact opposite of my own, however I always felt different and always felt that I was treated so. This feeling was voiced, and then shut down as "silly". At one point, at a therapy session I had begged to go to, my Mother neglected to inform the therapist of the entire situation by leaving it out completely. After the therapist found out (at the second session), she asked my mother why she hadn't told her, my Mother's response was, "I didn't think it mattered". Fast forward, after years of many of the same abandonment issues that most adoptees feel, I was out to lunch with my Bdad's sister, and my Bdad had called her and she was having a conversation with him at the table. Mind you, I had never seen or heard him before, had no idea where he lived or even if his family had much contact with him, as his name was only ever whispered at family functions. I knew it was him the moment I heard his voice, but ignored it.. like I had always done before when I thought of the situation. That night, my aunt sent me an e-mail, telling me that he was in town for a few weeks and that if I had ever wanted to meet him, I could always ask her for his information or use her as a go-between. Since this is something I had always wanted, and I had so many questions... I agreed and told her that I wanted to pursue communication. I informed my mother of this, and only my mother. She did not take it well, and started asking why I wanted to meet him, why I felt so "abandoned" when I had a family, three sides of family in fact, that I could count on. She asked what she did wrong, making accusations and asking why it meant so much to get in contact with him, of all people. She was increasingly angry and bitter through-out the emails that were exchanged, so much so that I cannot bring myself to reread them. While I understand that this is hard for her to go through, she failed to see the years I had spent mourning the loss of someone I knew nothing about.. just an internal longing that never went away, as I'm sure many of you have experienced. The difference was, that I had a father, whom I called Dad. It is difficult explaining that while I had two parents who gave me everything that I wanted through the years, I still felt a hole in my heart. Endless thoughts of rejection, endless questions of why... why he didn't fight for me. My mother still to this day, concentrates more on her anger and her bitterness towards my biological father, and questions my motives accusingly. Soon after speaking with my Aunt, I began talking to my BDad... while it hasn't been a picnic, it has also been the most fulfilling decision I have ever made. I have learned a lot about myself, my BDad, and I have a new sense of belonging to his family that was never there, prior. This was in October... it has been about 4 months that I have been pursuing this relationship with him. At the time he had only been visiting his sister locally, but extended his stay when I came back into his life until this past week. He is planning to move back, after I finish my last semester in College and he plans to continue to be in my life, for as long as I allow him. He calls/texts daily, and we spent a lot of time together over the holidays. My problem now, is the fact that I haven't told my ADad about any of this. My Mother will not help me tell him and has relinquished any discussion about the matter since the first week I began talking to her about it. My ADad is not going to react well to this, as he knew my BDad while my BDad and mother were married. My ADad cleaned up the mess after my BDad. I hesitate to say, but I believe while they are all dealing with their own issues, they are behaving selfishly and brushing how I feel aside. It is difficult for me to pursue discussing this with my ADad, but I can't put it off any longer... The main issue with everything, is the fact that my Mother remarried and began a new life with my ADad, and never looked back. I, on the other hand, continued to live a life surrounded by all three sides of family, feeling misplaced in two out of three. With my Mother upset by me wanting contact with my BDad, and without her help... the only person that can begin to understand my reasoning/situation and the person that has been my best friend for my entire life, I feel very much alone and that I am going to be ganged up upon when I do speak to my ADad about this. I feel that I have not chosen this path in my life, I have just been dealing with it, by myself. I don't believe that I should be left to face it alone, and quite frankly am afraid I will tear my family apart. My Mother walks on glass around my ADad as it is, and sides with him for fear of the alternative... and I know that this topic will not be received well. In all of his anger and bitterness towards my BDad, I know that deep down my ADad is afraid of rejection, as well. I would just like it if someone would take the time to understand the situation, from my point of view. So to anyone, who actually took the time to read this novel, thank you! I apologize for any typos, or ramblings. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.