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I haven't posted here in a while so for all y'all who remember my story.... can you believe it's almost here!:woohoo: For those who don't a little background: I placed my DD in an private open domestic adoption when I was in college. Her mom and I always had a good relationship prior to her birth, and we stayed in contact for about 2 years after her birth (pics and phone calls, there were no visits because of distance) and then I drifted off. Four years ago, I found my then 14 year old DD on myspace saying she wanted to meet her birthparents. I had been contimplating reconnecting with her family to see if we could continue contact, so I wrote her mom and found out that DD was not ready for direct contact, but she offered for us to stay in touch. Since then we've been exchanging e-mails and pics and now use Facebook to chat and stay in touch. It's been a long road with ups and downs, but more recently things have been going very well and we've been in contact a lot more often. But even though it's open in regards to the exchange of info, our adoption arrangement is more semi open since DD has never been involved in contact and I've never had direct contact with her. DD is aware on some level that her mom and I are in touch, but I'm not sure how much she knows. Her mom has always been very tight lipped on that subject; she has either avoided any questions I have asked or she uses the standard "DD doesn't ask questions and it's her decision whether she wants to have contact". I have suspected that her mom has had issues in the past coming to terms with allowing contact between us, I don't think it's anything other than her own stuff she needs to work out. DD is turning 18 next month, and it's become the proverbial elephant in the room as to how to go forward. A few months ago out of nowhere, she mentioned to me that she thinks it might be time for DD to be introduced to me sometime after she graduates. She mentioned in a chat that DD was going to be 18 soon and would be able to make her own decisions on who she wanted in her life. I know it's on her mom's mind, but since she's been so flaky and skittish about discussing it, I've let her take the lead. However, I'd like to initiate a conversation about establishing a relationship with DD and contacting her directly. I think it's about time and overdue, and now's a good a time as any. DD will be going away to college, and I'd like to try to open up a line of communication that doesn't involve her mom. I know that not all adoptees wake up at 18 and want to know their birthparents, but I want to give DD the opportunity to have a say on her own. I know that she'll be 18, and it's not really about her mom, and a lot of you will advise that I shouldn't go through her mom at all. But given our history, I don't think it's appropriate to just say "OK, DD's 18, thanks, but I won't be needing your involvement anymore, see ya!" I'd like to be sensitive to her feelings, and I know that she's having a hard enough time with DD going off to school, I have a feeling that if she feels that I am coming into the picture and leaving her in the dust, it will really hurt her, and I don't want that. DD and her mom are also really close, so I think that respecting her mom's feelings is also being respectful to DD. Plus I love her mom and I know she loves me, I don't want to jeopardize that. Any advice or thoughts?
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I can't believe it's here! I don't have time to answer as much as I'd like. Quick thoughts are just brainstorming...
Maybe a brief direct message to DD stating that you've appreciated the relationship with her mother so much over these years and that as soon as she is ready herself, you'd love to be able to answer any questions she has or meet, yadda yadda? Maybe in a graduation card? or facebook?
Personally, I'd wait until after graduation and let the relaxation of summer settle in a bit. The last few months of HS are so loaded emotionally, I think her mom will be more receptive and less defensive if it's all mixed up with those months leading into graduation and making a final decision on a college, etc.
Are you planning to ask her mom if she's okay with you sending a direct message...or just let her know that you plan to do so...or just give her a heads up that you already did?
What kind of timing are you thinking of?
My, how the time has flown by! You are awesome and I hope it won't be too long before you can hug her. She will LOVE you. :love:
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How about a message to mom letting her know you would like direct contact with DD, that you are not trying to take her place and asking how she thinks DD would feel about it. Let her know how much you love her and the relationship between the two of you.
I am an adoptee and an amom. My amom always encouraged me to search but I've had no luck. I know in my heart that if I ever find my bmom I have plenty of love for both her and my amom-she could never replace my amom but could still be just as important in my life. Now that I'm an amom however, I can't help but wonder or be a little fearful deep down, that DD's bmom would replace me. It could be especially tough during the teen years when some girls have a somewhat rocky relationship with their moms.
I'm guessing that's how amom is feeling here so if you could put her fears at ease, that might help.
I have always wanted to wait until the summer to act on anything. Even though DD has made all the hard decisions (college, major, etc) I'm sure her mind is on proms and senior activities with her friends and not on reuniting with her birthmother. Since her mom also mentioned summer, it seems like that's the likely scenario. I'd like to send her a message, either through e-mail, or Facebook, just to let her know that I'm here and willing to have a relationship or answer her questions. But her mom has always been very protective and hesitant about talking about it. I do want her to know that I don't want to take her place and I don't have intentions on barging into her life the moment she blows out the candles. But there have been a lot of times in the past where I've tried to get a feel for what DD or her mom had envisoned (since it's obviously something at least her mom has thought about) and it's been met with either silence or it's gotten misconstrued into something else. Right now I wanted to open a dialogue about it since at least her mom has acknowledged that the time has come.I have never had a clear idea on where I stood on this. Plus, I have sent birthday cards for DD to her mom in the past I'd like to get a sense of how to handle it this year. But more importantly I'd like to make sure we are on the same page. I also don't want to go behind her mom's back per se, but I don't want to be asking her permission to contact her either.
Knowing what I know about J.....and knowing that she DOES care for you, I know that it's a fine line between going behind her Mom's back and asking for permission.
I think asking for her blessing, as opposed to permission, is a fine way to go about it.
My only concern is that J uses the stall tactic. Let's wait for this. Now let's wait for this. Now this is going on.
We all know there's no "perfect" time for some of this (she says knowing she should be taking her own advice in a different situation ;)) so you might need to be the one to create the closest thing to a perfect time, you know?
(((((hugs)))))
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(((Browneyes)))
How exciting for you that you'll soon have contact! :cheer: :cheer: I agree that you will want to establish a connection with your daughter separate from Amom, but you don't want to burn that bridge either... your amom will set the stage for your reunion in many ways based on her attitude/support/advice.
My situation was different because mine was a closed adoption, so I registered at reunion sites and waited for my daughter to find me... so I can't speak from experience. Maybe you could tell amom you would like to do something like send a graduation card with your photo and contact information, or send something meaningful to you that you've saved to give her (like a charm bracelet, or necklace maybe)... ? [Of course, if you've saved something to give her all these years, you probably want to give it to her f2f].
Let us know how it all unfolds, and know you have all our support! :love:
Soprano
Not long after I posted this, DD's mom contacted me, and starts off by saying that she had asked DD if she would like to meet me this summer!!! Here I am worried about how to send an e-mail, and they are thinking of planning a face to face!:woohoo: It's not definite, but DD did respond positively!! :cheer: DD's birthday is coming soon and I always send a card for her mom to hold for her, hopefully she'll want open this one!!! Cross your fingers guys! I couldn't have gotten through the years without you all, don't quit on me now!!! :thankyou:
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Brown, Hope things go great for you guys. Sounds like patience has paid off and so far so good. With my situation, I contacted my daughter directely after asking for her mom's blessings and letting her know my intentions. I did feel it was better to let my daughter decide about the contact "rules" and boundaries. Since she has always kept me at arms lenth and been very touch and go with things, I have lost touch with her mom. I let amom know I felt it was better that it be between the 2 of us until she was ready for contact but that I was hoping to meet along with our daughter on first meeting which I sincerely meant. Since I have been kept at arms lenth I didn't feel comfortable continuing letters behind that "arm". I think my daughter is much more cmfortable with it just being between us two as she learns to lower the wall a bit. It has been/still is sooooo difficult at the age she was/is. I have sent Amom a few cards with brief notes on occasion because the plan was to pick back up on our relationship as things got easier. It just hasn't ever gotten to that point and I feel bad about that. I don't know if anyone understands, it just has felt weird contacting amom when daughter hasn't yet decided where I fit or if I fit. I think if your daughter and her amom want to get together right off the bat it will be so much easier. I hope that it is.