Fianc STILL depressed over daughter-HELP!

Hi, I have to say I'm in the same position as your partner. My daughter was adopted 14yrs ago because her mother was on drugs and couldn't look after her. I so wanted to keep her but because of my age the social services said I couldn't. I was in her life until she was 2yrs old. The guilt has always been there, I refused to commit and never wanted to have another kid as I felt like I gave mine up. Fast forward 14yrs later I'm now in contact with my daughter. The guilty is even worse now than before. I cry whenever I think about her and what I did all those years ago. My new partner and my new baby are also finding it hard as am cold to my baby sometimes. Your partner needs to learn how to move on (easier said than done) you also need to give him time to deal with his issues, just make him believe you would always be there for him no matter what and never try to force him to get over the past. In the time I think all would be ok. Good Luck

I can imagine how truly difficult it must be for both you and your fiance at this time and for you to see him so emotionally stuck. And as your wedding day approaches, his fear of getting married may be more intense than the usual 'cold feet' that many people feel. Perhaps the resources/info from the Post-Adoption Resource Centre in Sydney that's run by the Benevolent Society can help, eg. here's an article about partners of birthparents [URL="http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/partners-of-bps-nov20061.pdf"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/partners-of-bps-nov20061.pdf[/URL] Also, the 7 Core Issues in Adoption article [URL="http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/lifelong_issues_in_adoption.html"]Lifelong Issues in Adoption[/URL] may help provide some perspective on what your fiance as a birthparent is experiencing. This article is circulated at my local post-adoption support centre here in Australia. Here's an excerpt regarding Intimacy, which seems to reflect some of your fiance's fears: "Birthparents may come to equate sex, intimacy, and pregnancy with pain leading them to avoid additional loss by shunning intimate relationships. Further, birthparents may question their ability to parent a child successfully. In many instances, the birthparents fear intimacy in relationships with opposite sex partners, family or subsequent children." As with a lot of people in deep emotional pain, I anticipate that what your fiance may need is WHEN he's ready to talk to have someone to listen, empathize and valid his feelings without trying to 'fix' him. For me, sometimes when someone tries to 'fix' me rather than just listen, a part of me senses their impatience with my pain, I feel pressured and I feel worse for feeling bad, as if there's something wrong with me for feeling bad in the first place. But then, that's just me/my reactions and I'm not a birthfather or a man. Since your fiance's not open to seeing a counsellor or going to church, I guess all you can do is what beemarman suggests which is to give your fiance time to deal with his issues and reassure him that you'll be there for him. Also, you yourself may want to see a counsellor who's familiar with adoption so that at least you can figure out how to deal with this major relationship hurdle. I hope that at least the articles help somewhat.

I am an adoptee whose birth father never knew his wife was pregnant with me.. He was in the military and out to sea the last 6 months of her pregnancy and she travelled to another state to deliver me... Please tell you fiance that he fought the battle and in due time he will be able to tell his daughter how He fought for her and she will know how much she was wanted and how the church ultimately made the decision for him.. It is very difficult for him... Be patient, Be supportive and love him... Dont tell him that you understand, because you really don't unless you have been forced to give up a child or have placed a child for adoption. As for going to Temple I wholeheartedly understand why he refuses to go... He is NOT at fault.... Hug him and reaffirm how much you love him... He may have many fears of loosing any future children you 2 may have as a couple....Divorce and custody issues are another way many people loose children... He is afraid and needs to be reassured and some adoption specific therapy would not hurt either...

I know I'm late to this thread, but when I read it I just had to answer with my experiances. Let me start by saying that I am a Birthmother, but that has almost nothing to do with this story. I am LDS and that does have some effect. My husband is 10 years older than me. When we met he was going through his divorce. His son was 5 years old at the time. When we were talking about our relationship, he told me that he would NEVER have any more children. The pain of being away from his son was just too much for him to bear. This caused several months of painful conversations about my desire to have more children and his decision. Eventually, I had to make a decision. Did I love my man enough to live forever with him without children? Could I still live with my decision to place my daughter for adoption knowing I "threw away" my only chance to have children? *yes, I know that is the wrong term, but it's how I felt* I spoke with my mother, who is very religious and I believe she has the gift of visons and foresight. She told me that as long as I stood by my husband and continued to attend church that she saw him in a dream standing at the pulpit bearing his testimony with a baby in his arms. After this I prayed about it and decided to marry my husband. A month before our wedding he had a vasectomy done. Fast forward to 2 years later (about a year ago) I "caught" the baby bug. I began to have an intense desire to have another child. I was super afraid of bringing it up again with my husband, but after about a month or 2 of debating with myself I did. At first he was very resistant to the idea. I brought up adoption and getting his vas reversed. Eventually, after more tears and lots of discussion, we've decided to have children. He wants to see me pregnant, but is not interested in having his vas reversed for personal reasons, so we decided to use a sperm donor. I guess what I'm trying to say is be patient. Grief is very hard to process, especially if he isn't reaching out to the sources near him (counseling, church, or even you) Ask yourself the same questions I did. Talk to people to help you with your decision. You cannot change him, only yourself. I hope this helps. Please let us know what you both have decided.