She told me she had scheduled an abortion

My guess is that your biological mother is trying to vent - obviously this is something that affected her and bothered her and she may just need to talk about it, you know? Her past, like your past, may be a touchy subject but maybe she is just reaching out to you and trying to unload. It also seems like she is just trying to be absolutely 100% honest with you. Now, whether or not that's FAIR is the question I guess. I don't know if I'd want to hear what you're hearing from my biological mother [if I were in reunion]. You have the right to ask her to please censor what she shares with you, at least right now. Tell her you value a relationship with her but you can't handle the full disclosure right now. Ask her why she continues to tell you about the almost-abortion - what's the reason? She told you, you know, you question the validity of that and you don't need to continue to hear it. Maybe saying "You know, I want to move forward and have a great relationship with you, so let's start right now and not continue to stir up the past" will motivate her to look forward instead of backward.

wow, nanygoat, that is pretty insensitive of your bmom to keep saying to you! especially over the phone, and so casually, like at the end of a conversation. i'm so sorry that you're having to hear that, especially while you're caring for your young infant. i'm 6 months pregnant with my second son, and i'm just feeling a lot of movement now....i know some people say they feel it early, but 6 or 7 weeks is impossible....she was probably feeling gas bubbles. jeez..... some people really do forget or fabricate certain things about their babies and their pregnancies (whether or not they placed) like, "oh, i only gained 12 lbs with my first" or like my mother in law says "i had my kids potty trained by the time they were 11 months and they slept through the night at 3 weeks...." yeah, ok! lol... but on a more serious note: my mother and my half-sister have shoved it in my face NUMEROUS times that my biodad wanted my mother to have an abortion when she told him she was pregnant. that obviously doesn't sit well or make a person feel very good about themselves. but, in my biofather's defense. until the child is born you don't realize how much you love them...so for some people aborting a tiny embryo doesn't feel like anything so awful. your mother is probably trying hard to feel like she did something wonderful for you (more than just placing) she spared you from being aborted. just thoughts, probably rambling, but that's just my 2 cents. take care.

It sounds as though she's kind of reliving the painful journey she went through and feels like it's ok to tell you since you are an adult. I'm sure she never would have mentioned it if you were a child. I don't really know how to word this, but it may be like she's trying to be close to you by sharing the intimate details of her pregnancy and decisions since she doesn't have anything else to feel that close to you about KWIM? Obviously, you don't want to hear about possible abortion but most people don't realize that the embryo's heart is beating at 5 weeks etc and can't even imagine the person those cells will become. So please try not to feel too bad about that aspect. If she does keep bringing it up, just tell her you are not comfortable hearing about that right now and maybe focus your current process of getting to know each other on the current aspects of your lives for the time being.

Yikes - I agree that it's insensitive for her to keep on telling you about her potential abortion plans. Insensitive and odd to be honest. Also - and please know, I am in NO WAY DEFENDING HER DECLARATIONS - but it makes me think of how many times I've been thanked, congratulated, and honored for not having aborted my daughter. (Which I think is ridiculous, by the way!) It could be that your Mom has been told this in the years since you were born and she's taken on that role of "epic hero" for not having gone through with it. Again, not defending her talking about it all the time, but just perhaps giving some perspective about why she thinks it's "okay" kwim? I agree with the others that you should explain to her that it's not a part of the story that you want to hear about at all, let alone repeatedly.

I would be careful. Someone said she is only telling you this because you are an adult, but my bmother told me this when I was about 12. Her motivation was to manipulate me in to feeling that I owe her something. In her mind, I owe her my life. She could have aborted me, thought a lot about it, part of her wanted to, my bfather wanted her to, but no, she suffered through the nine months... She has used this info to try to damage my self esteem and handicap me in a way that makes it easy for her to get what she wants from me. Be very careful! You didn't have the sex, you had nothing to do with your conception, the pregnancy, your birth, your adoption -- you were the innocent party to it all! Don't let her try to make you think you are indebted to her in any way! Those were adult decisions - she was the responsible party.

If asked and she told the truth I would say fine. But because she keeps bringing it up tells me there is something more here...as if you should be thankful for living and breathihng and You should be grateful BECAUSE if she didn't make the decsion she did then you would't be here. Where you have already told her that you don't want to hear it I would think of some quick reply to shur it down. Its wrong of her to do that. In terms of all of us "almost being aborted" , well, I see that as a reality. We were a "crisis" pregnancy and they had to deal with all that entails. I get that. I understand it. I have alays maintained that its not the potential person they are looking to abort but the "pregnacy". There is a measure of distance, or disconnect as they are dealing with being pregnant. I have never seen that as an insult to ME personally...UNLESS its being used to manipulate how I feel about them. Like I have said a thousand times before we all could have been either aborted, miscarried or still born don't try to minimize MY existence to make your decsions and life feel better. So....IF my bmom said to me that abortion ran through her mind, that she almost had one, or whatever..and said it in a way that was just to explain how it was for her, I think I would understand. AS most adoptees I think KNOW that abortion was a possibilty. I think that because it was not legal in my time I am here. Also if I was aborted...well, I would't have known the differnce. I don't like my birth to be used by anyone to make themselves feel better wheter it be bmoms, amoms, sibs, prolife or anyone else. Mention it to me once as a point of honesty. Then drop it and be thankful that your daughter or son is here. Anything else is manipualtion ..IMO. If they bring it up again can you say something to the effect of "WEll I wasn't aborted so lets move on"

I was born to a teenage mother, but my father married her before I was born, so I was never adopted. Although abortion was illegal at the time my mother got pregnant, it was readily available in the Los Angeles area in the 1950's. In fact, my mother's best friend became pregnant at the same time (they were both 16), but Joyce underwent an illegal abortion. Her father was a bigwig with the LAPD and knew the med students and interns who "moonlighted" and made some extra cash by performing abortions. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because my mother to this day often tells me about how she refused her aunt's offer to procure an abortion for her. She'll go on and on telling me how she's glad she didn't abort me. I'm 55 years old, and I've been hearing this story my entire life. When I was little and she was mad at me, she used to say she wish she'd aborted me...so I've kind of had an idea what abortion is since I was about 4 years old. I have absolutely no idea why she tells me this repeatedly...I've kind of come to a conclusion that she needs to feel that she did something good in her life. I do know, though, how terribly uncomfortable it feels to hear about it. I'm sorry your birth mother keeps bringing the subject up. If I were you, I'd tell her that it makes you feel really uncomfortable. Come to think of it, I guess I should take my own advice, lol.

I can't imagine why she would feel the need to tell you this. Is she expecting you to congratuate her or be profusely thankful that you were not aborted? I dunno. Maybe ask her point blank why she keeps bringing it up. Is she looking for a particular response from you? I would tell her it makes you uncomfortable and ask her not to mention it again. If she continues, you can always repeat "I don't want to bring that topic up again, let's talk about _____________." Some people feel they have to be truthful to a fault and bring up details that are much better left unsaid. This, IMO, is one of those things that shouldn't have even been brought up. It really isn't relevant. She considered abortion, but didn't do it, so what purpose does it serve to mention it now? Is it some kind of confessional for her? I don't know if you birth mother is saying it to be purposely insensitive or manipulative, or just has poor boundaries or social skills, but you will know if it's a boundary issue if you tell her honestly and matter-of-factly that it bothers you, and she disregards your feelings and keeps doing it. Hopefully, with an honest request for her to not bring up the topic any more (and I do recommend approaching it calmly and respectfully, at least initially to feel her out and not put her on the defensive), she will come around. I know if I said anything to upset my son and he told me honestly how he felt, I would apologize and adjust my comments accordingly. Certainly your request is in no way unreasonable, so you birth mom should honor your request, assuming she's a reasonable person.

I agree with the other posters that it was insensitive at best for her to bring this up not once, but twice. Several people have suggested that she's trying to get you to feel grateful, and that is a possibility. On the other hand, maybe she just feels really guilty about having even considered it to this day. I don't know if she just feels the need to get it off her chest, or whether she's looking for some response from you that would absolve her of her guilt. I agree with the others -- do try to bring it up with her and let her know how uncomfortable it makes you.

I agree with what all the other posters wrote about the possible reasons as to why she keeps repeating the abortion topic. It does sound like she's got a very strong need to vent. My other musing question for all people on this planet: how would you feel if your mother kept mentioning to you every time you talk with her that she'd considered abortion?? I can totally understand how you feel so p*ssed off, especially since you'd already said that you don't want to continue hearing about the past. I've learned in post-adoption reunion that sometimes there are some things that are just waay too painful to be shared within one's own adoption triangle (that was certainly my case with my a-dad). Unfortunately in face-to-face/on-the-spot situations, sometimes one's feelings and the need to vent are so incredibly raw/intense (as what seems to be the case with your b-mom) that one forgets about the impact on the listener. IMHO that's where support groups, forums like these and mental health professionals provide a safe alternative for venting/seeking support. As for what to do/say, I agree with the other people who'd responded to your question, especially JustPeachy's advice: "Maybe ask her point blank why she keeps bringing it up. Is she looking for a particular response from you? I would tell her it makes you uncomfortable and ask her not to mention it again. If she continues, you can always repeat "I don't want to bring that topic up again, let's talk about _____________." The more I read about adoption, it seems that post-reunion dynamics are so often fraught with complex, tricky stuff. I'm truly glad that now there are resources like these forums available! Thanks for sharing and welcome to these forums. I hope you find the people here as supportive as I have! :-)

People are often thoughtless, the night I found out I was adopted and was told the crazy story about my birth mother being severely disabled, my adoptive mother who is also my biological aunt said to me, Yeah you know how your grandma is an idiot, she was told to abort the baby (my birth mother) but didnt listen to the doctors. To my adoptive mother I think it was a statement of reaffirming how stupid her mother was, but to me she was saying yeah you should have never been created because your mother should have been killed. I have a newspaper article that talks about my severely disabled birth mother being taken for a consult on an abortion but being too far along for an abortion. It totally tripped me up for awhile, but I look at it this way we are miracle children, there was divine intervention that knew there was a purpose for us and all of our offspring to be on this earth. I know someone had a hand (God, caretakers, angels) in not alerting others to my birth mother being pregnant and I know that there was a power outside of your birth mother that stopped her from aborting you because they had a plan and purpose for you and your children. The one thing I learned in all of this is that being a mother and wife comes first and there isnҒt any room in my life for people that make me feel small, people that make me doubt myself, or people that put conditions on me that make me feel like I need to pretend to be someone other than who I am. Basically I get enough worry, concerns and drama with my 4 children and hubby that emotionally there is not room for others to add. Do what you need to do to take care of you and dont make yourself small if you arenҒt comfortable with it, let her know that it is hurtful and I would encourage you to create a relationship that is built on honesty, do you really want to tread on eggshells for the next 20 plus years and live in fear of her rejecting you? I agree there is no way she felt you moving that early on but maybe that is her attempt of trying to share what she perceives as her moment, even if it is the wrong time, Im guessing then she either didnҒt know or was most likely still in denial about even being pregnant. And I totally understand if my approach is too unrealistic, I havent had contact with my adoptive mother in almost 2 years because I was tired of her making me feel small and being unwilling to create an honest relationship after 28 years of lies. Take care and good luck.

In my son's first email to me, his reaching-out email I suppose you'd call it, he specifically thanked me for not aborting him. He didn't know much more than he was born when abortion was readily available and being an intelligent young man he figured it out for himself, I guess. What he didn't know was that I was under incredible pressure to do just that. I had to sever ALL relationships and move across country to carry him, a move that left me with no support whatsoever. It was an incredibly tough experience to move, endure a very difficult pregnancy and then give him up with no one, literally no one, who cared whether I lived or died within 1500 miles. So from that perspective, I wonder if this woman is on the reunion cycle and reliving the experience of being pushed HARD to kill her child and having to tell people no, reliving the unfathomable aloneness of it, the knowledge that she was condemning herself to a daily nightmare but knowing down deep that that was the only thing she could do. And because she was being pushed by people she thought she could rely upon, she had no one to lean on when the time to let go came--the old "we told you so" routine--and is only now dealing with all the baggage that arrives with that moment, drowning in the nightmare she's tried for years to bottle up. I could be totally wrong but given where I am tonight I can easily see how it could be. Agreed, her timing is very poor and her lack of insight into how such information would be received isn't promising, but I can easily see it. Just another possibility.