His 38th Birthday Is Coming Up....

Sending you lots of super huge hugs. Don't know if this will help...but...my husband, who is not adopted, says the exact thing about his birthday, and always has. "It's just another day." but honestly I don't think he means it, and would be very hurt if nobody called or wished him a happy birthday. He's got that man thing going...you know... can't let anyone think he cares. I just shake my head, and try to make the day special, no matter how much he fights it. lol He loves it, even if he wont admit it. Are you sure this is an adoption thing for your son, or just a silly man thing? (no offense to the guys on the board) Even with my own issues about my birth, and my reunion, I know it's not that my BPs don't care. Your son, I'm sure, knows how much you love him. Love ya, girl, and keeping you in my thoughts.

Raven, I think you should write him a letter as well and title it 38 Reasons why today should be celebrated - even if each reason is the same one or repeated frequently - It was the best day of my life. No one in my family is big on birthdays or mother or fathers days simply because each day is precious and not to be wasted by waiting to celebrate a special day. I tend to be the same way so perhaps that is the reason? Although if I do not get chocolate cake on my birthday then there is an issue...hard to describe but the celebrating isn't a big deal. February is a great month to be born in - I just had my birthday and had chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Take care,Dickons

Raven, I know... it's difficult to imagine that date that is so fraught with meaning for us is almost "trivialized" by our kids being so off-hand with it. They don't understand how that day in many ways became the symbol and focus for our pain. And I too become depressed every year as that day approaches, despite 11 years of reunion. Hang in there! :grouphug: Soprano

Son, I don't know if I ever told you this, but the year after you were born, Bob Dylan released Forever Young, and for some reason it quickly became the song I associated with you. In my music years, I performed it hundreds or maybe thousands of times, always with you in my mind. These are the lyrics... Forever Young May God bless and keep you always, May your wishes all come true, May you always do for others And let others do for you. May you build a ladder to the stars And climb on every rung, May you stay forever young, Forever young, forever young, May you stay forever young. May you grow up to be righteous, May you grow up to be true, May you always know the truth And see the lights surrounding you. May you always be courageous, Stand upright and be strong, May you stay forever young, Forever young, forever young, May you stay forever young. May your hands always be busy, May your feet always be swift, May you have a strong foundation When the winds of changes shift. May your heart always be joyful, May your song always be sung, May you stay forever young, Forever young, forever young, May you stay forever young. Lyrics by Bob Dylan, 1973

Aww...so sweet!Today is my son's 13th birthday and I was verklempt this morning. So verklempt he told me to stop because I was freaking him out!;) LOL!It's "funny" because I sit here and read your awesome letter to your son and obviously can't have that for mine. I can only hope your son appreciates how much love is there in celebrating his "just another day".Birthdays are bittersweet in some ways for all of us I think? I don't fully get to celebrate the day my son was born when I didn't meet him til he was 5 and my first memory of him isn't a pregnancy test, a flutter, an ultrasound or even a tiny red ugly wrinkly baby. Yet, of course I celebrate the day he was born! How can a parent not, right? And it's not even a desire to have created him or carried him, it's simply that I don't have the experience of that "so called" day to share with him or tell him about.Just like I wonder if every year you didn't "know" your son, you celebrated his birthday and yet not. Missed him and grieved perhaps. I really like your idea Dickons. Think I have a letter to write after all. 13 reasons to celebrate today...ya, I like it! :)Raven's son...hope you are lurking.:)

Warmest hugs Raven....Such a beautiful post :love:

You don't seem to be getting a lot of "guy" perspectives here, so here's mine. I don't like to make a big deal out of my birthday either. However, I do like to know that the people close to me remember it and care. I don't want a big party, but a card, a call, a hug, and maybe a cake do make me feel special. I, for one, am glad you still celebrate your son's birthday. I reunited with my bmom (just over e-mail so far) last fall, and my birthday fell during the time she was deciding if she wanted contact. I hoped that would provide some stimulus to get her to contact me, but it didn't. Since then I asked her to confirm that I really was born on the day I thought I was, and it took her a couple of days to remember. She said it was hard after not thinking about it for 41 years. That stung. She has said that she thought about me over the years, but apparently not on my birthday. So I hope you don't mind if I vicariously enjoy your caring about your son's birthday!

Wow raven That Dylan song is enough to make anyone tear up...is it the "38" birthday, is it something else? Such an appropriate song for you and his bday.I was also thinking of the male thing before st3v3 posted. Its all so bitter sweet isn't it?

Dear Steven,Thank you for telling me a little bit of your story. I have learned the most during my long journey from adoptees such as yourself. Your words and experiences are always welcome on my threads.I am so sorry your birth mother forgot the actual date of your birthday. From what I understand, it's not really unusual for this to happen, especially for women who have buried their grief deeply within themselves. Some moms actually block out the time period surrounding the birth of their relinquished children...kind of like amnesia.I kind of took the other route -- I never allowed myself to "forget and move on". I remember knowing down to the day just how old my son was for the first several years of his life. Like when he was a toddler, I could tell you that he was 16 months, 14 days, and 5 hours old. I memorized his birth weight and length, as well as the minute of his birth. For a long time, those were the only things I still had left of my baby.The mothers of the Baby Scoop Era were told to forget our babies and move on with our lives. Those of us who didn't were often labeled as "disturbed" or "dysfuctional" in some way. Many of us internalized the message we got from society back in those years, namely that we were unworthy women who were undeserving of our children. The damage done was tremendous...and I think you can still see it in many birth mothers who relinquished back then. From my experience, it's that damage that causes the most problems in reunion. Many women are unable to face those feelings and memories from so long ago, not after they've denied them for so long.I'm sending you a great big cyberhug today, and I hope you'll keep posting here. I've made a lot of good friends thru this forum, and I'm sure you will too. :loveyou:

Steven, I agree with all Raven said, and as usual, she articulated better than I ever could. I know it's hard not to take it personally that your bmom didn't remember the day, but maybe it helps to know that the reason could be trauma rather than lack of caring. Thanks for writing your perspective, Soprano

I do understand the reasons why a bmom might forget a birthday. That's why I just said it stung instead of being traumatized by it. I guess I was hoping she had gone more the path of Raven. However, as soon as I found out she and my bdad had married and raised two other kids (both in their 30s now) who still don't know I exist, I knew they had buried a lot of their feelings and emotions and even memories from that time. I've learned a lot from the bmoms on this forum. That's why I read the Birthparents forum as well as the Adult Adoptees' one -- I get a lot of perspectives here that help me to understand my bmom a little better. It's still a bit hard sometimes, but thanks to all of you for helping me deal.

I was going to reply a while ago that I also don't really celebrate my b-day. I am not an adoptee either, and I'm female so I don't have the "guys" perspective (and I'm not one of those 29 and holding either). I didn't reply right away though, because I never really thought about the "why". So, I thought about why it is "just another day" to me. For one thing, my anniversary is very close to it, and I'd rather celebrate that day. Thinking of it that way, I realized why. I never knew the world without me. I know I'm glad I'm here and all, but I don't really see a reason to celebrate the day I arrived. My anniversary is a happy thing I want to celebrate every year. I knew my life before my DH, I want to celebrate the life I have with him (we celebrate our first date anniversary too). So, from that prespective, I understand a parent wanting to celebrate a child's (even an adult child) birthday, they knew their life/the world before that child and want to celebrate the love they have for the child and the day they joined their life/the world. Hope that makes sense..

Findingbalance, Interesting perspective that actually makes alot of sense! Soprano

I know his birthday has probably come and gone by now, but I just came across this card and it immediately made me think of this topic (no, I didn't design it): [url=http://www.greetingcarduniverse.com/-Happy+Birthday+Son-greeting+card-450111?pid=450111&page=0&ref=cb_card_title]Happy Birthday Son Greeting Cards[/url]