I have zero relationship w/adoptive family. Anyone else in same position?

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Why is your relationship with them so strained? What was it like while you were growing up?

yup...I understand your feelings completely. I was adopted at a young age, but never allowed into my adoptive family. I was someone, much like a renter, that lived with a family. There wasn't much kindness or understanding, only a need for me to make contributions to their quality of life.No one ever stated it, but the implied slave status was very real.Now the a-parents are gone and all that is left are 2 bio siblings from my a-parents, both younger. They distance themselves from me for long periods, but show up when they have a need.Recently I cut them off. It is no loss because they were never a part of my life. Hopefully this will end attempts to use, and I can live in peace. All I ever wanted was to allowed to be a part of family. It never happened.Now as I look back on my relationship with that whole family, it is clear that my outsider status was permanent...they never wanted me....I was 2nd class... an outsider...what I hoped for was unimportant...they had family, heritage, legacy, and a "forever" bio-family. I had nothing.In regards to your feelings, it may help to do journaling. The journaling will help to bring all the relationship fragments together and provide a clearer understanding of your feelings. It will help gain more strength in that area. Also it will provide a safety net that allows you to distance yourself from the hurt and disappointment. Hopefully in time, when you review those events there will be acceptance that for you it was not a good period, but it has ended and you can try to move on. To try to move on is all we have.I wish you the best.

Although my story is very different, I completely understand the need to protect yourself from an unhealthy adoptive family. My brother and I were adopted when I was 4, he 2 1/2. It was the classic step-father adoption scenario. My mother and father were divorcing and my mother wanted a "whole" family with her new husband. My father was selfish and immature, unable to see past the next few years. My step father really didn't want to adopt me, but he wanted my mom unencumbered. The 3 of them made a decision in their present that completely impacted me in ways none of them considered. My relationship with my step father was unhealthy from the start. He was always cold and distant, disdainful at times. It wasn't until I was heading into puberty that he suddenly found me interested. His new found appreciation of me caused intense suffering that still effects me to today. My mother finally divorced him when I was 28. It was truly the most freeing experience of my life. Up to that point, I was never able to express my feelings of hurt and anger. I was never able to act on the pain he inflicted. In a quick and decisive move, I completely removed him from mine and my children's lives. My real father and I have built a beautiful relationship. I now have a great dad as well as 3 sibblings that I treasure. There is still a part of me that is angry I was robbed of this family, I missed so much. I am now looking into every avenue to see if I can have the adoption overturned. I truly deserve to be my father's daughter! So, whereas our situations might be different, I encourage you to continue speaking your truth. We are unfortunate to have suffered due to the poor decisions the "parents" made in our lives. But now as adults, we are able to protect ourselves. Good luck to you!

biscuit...thanx for sharing. It's always helpful to hear the stories of others. In the sharing of mine, I left large parts of the abusive sides, undefined.Now in the twilight of my life, the details of how to end the grief and loss are less important. It is time to follow the few remaining requirements in my head to bring about as much healing as can be accomplished. Those pieces of earlier events and experiences I can't resolve, will have to stand. Even today, scenes of family kindness, concerns, and love still spark feelings of profound grief and loss.Perhaps the best change has been that the triggers and flashbacks have become almost non-existent and are now less vivid. For that I am grateful.Many of us will progress to various levels of healing. Some will be 80%, some 60%, perhaps some, even close to 100%.Amounts of healing can't be measured, but we know they have occurred. We all look for pathways that lead to finding our dream of peace. Often they come sooner than we expect and we are surprised...but glad we found them.I wish you the best.

What is it about us adoptees that makes us feel like there's a part of us missing? Is it just biology? Myself I've always felt like I've been living a life different than the one I was meant to. It's all like Twilight Zone like maybe there's a parallel universe where I was always w/my birthmother and EVERYTHING was different...

As a person who wants to adopt in the future, can you tell me (I mean other than the obvious things like abusive spouses and not providing the same for the adoptive child as the own child!) how I can help an adoptive child to feel good and to feel like a loved part of the family? Especially because I am considering adopting an older child who I know must have been through a lot and I would expect would have a tough time feeling loved and safe? I have all sorts of plans, of course, such as lots of time together and being free to talk about anything on their mind, and finding out what the girl or boy most enjoys doing, and helping him or her see that interest develop his/her self worth and a secure future. But what do you think? It is a tragedy for people to not feel loved by an adoptive family, but at least if you can teach others, it can have at least some meaning and help other people.

tusu....what a great post...we have come a long way in understanding adoption and what happens in the heads of adopted kids.I can't address the feelings of all kids, but I can share my feelings. Sometimes the previous experiences and horror shows have been so overwhelming, there isn't much left to fix.I was adopted at 5 months. It was unusual in it's situation because my a-mom wasn't able to biologically have children, but still wanted them, and my a-father didn't really like or want children.When I was 5-6, there was a feeling that I was "different." Separate from my peers. "They were "normal." They had something I didn't have, and couldn't get.When I was 7, my 2nd a-mom told me I was adopted. It was a devastating experience.From then on, I knew there were gaps in my head, but I didn't know how to reach them...there were no links to open or fix them. They were just gaps....missing links. My a-parents didn't know that sometimes acting out was related to grief and loss...it was possible to grieve and not know. I kept waiting for them to fix my head, and they didn't know or understand where the problems were. If they had taken me to therapy, I would not have known how to define what was happening, and the second issue would be trust. How much of the info I gave the therapist would be shared with my a-parents and what would be the consequences. When you are young, it matters that you are an "outsider" in terms of family and peers, but as you grow older, you may remain an "outsider" but no one knows. Its different, to some extent you have moved on. You have found a new freedom that doesn't include being judged or kept in a special "outsider" category.In terms of the adoption with an older child. First, I would make sure that the child knew that he was adopted into your family because you wanted him. He would have the freedom to share anything and you would be non- judgmental and help him try to explore his feelings. When you see he is struggling, he can share what's in his head. You may have to query him a few times until he knows you care and won't judge him for what he shares or has happened. Each time he shares what to him may be overwhelming experiences, and there is no judgement or consequences, a new level of trust will be formed.The 3rd piece of the puzzle is honesty, security, and unconditional feelings on your part. Having said that, he has to be aware and made to understand that there are rules that he has to follow. For him, there may be trust issues which take time to fix. A therapist may be able to help.What has happened in the past is not an open door policy or excuse for abusive or frighteningly bad behavior. The care, concern and love you have for him is unconditional, but that does not include any rights for him to be abusive or attempt to destroy your family. Adopting an older child into your family also does not include a requirement that you give up your rights to be respected.I wish you the best.

I was adopted when I was 5 almost 6yrs old. My experience looking back as an adult I think the biggest thing is honesty and validation. I was with my biological family the day the caseworker took me to my adoptive family. My adoptive mother took time off work to play w/me, bought me new toys, got me all new stuff, and told me to forget about my family b/c I was their family now and I was staying w/them forever. I panicked, I pushed them away. I didn't want another family, I wanted my own things that were mine! The bst thing you can do foor a child that age or older is not too push too hard. Validate our feelings of loss and change and acknowledge and reassure it's ok to be scared. Let them know they are there b/c you fell in love w/them and wanted them. Never make them feel like they aren't really part of the family. Let them know there is no way you will stop loving them no matter what they do and that they will never leave your home or your heart. Let them talk and really listen. Don't try to fix things, just be patient. Let them be able tp build up a trust for you. Let them know they will always be yours.

This thread is so sad. What was it with your adoptive parents that made your relationship so messed up. Was it the adoptive piece or was there more? I cant even imagine how a parent can do that to their child, I cant even imagine how you feel.

Thanks;) it's taken years to make peace. Part of it is b/c of how they handled things after the adoption, part that I had a really strict catholic obsessive family w/no way of exploring my adolescence without their constant watchful eye...there's a lot of things that went wrong. I was never left alone, I had a babysitter when I was 13, always had to go with them to choir practice, prayer meetings, youth groups, ccd classes...they were the leaders of everything in our church. I have NEVER even had a key to their house. I had to wait on the porch sometimes for an hr for my adoptive mother to come home from work b/c they didn't trust me. I never went to a single party in high school, didn't have friends but one growing up, and still have issues w/making friends and keeping them. They had a biological son who was perfect golden boy in their eyes and could do no wrong. He's 10yrs older than me and now is a P.H.D. for Catholic marriage and family conseling. He's an author and has his own radioshow(Catholic of course) that he hosts daily. Recently I found out he adopted a chinese girl into his family. It was clear he was a clone of them and any time I questioned anything I felt like they looked at me like the outsider. I was always the blacksheep. I wondered for years why they said they loved me when I felt in my heart they believed they had made a mistake by adopting me. I could never imagine doing this to a child either Sloane, but that was my life. I always dreamed of getting away from them for a chance of a better life. Since there's nothing I feel for them anymore(love) I've been much happier. I don't have to justify not being the perfect child they expected me to be.I think what hurt the most was when my adoptive father died and no one told me. Not knowing he was even sick, and never having a chance to say goodbye still hurts. Being excluded from all mention at family functions(my godmother says they refuse to talk about me and change the subject when I'm brought up)and from his obit is hard to get over. I was close to my adoptive father growing up, and I always thought he & I would've had an awesome relationship if he'd gotten a divorce. I lost touch w/him b/c Icouldn't ask him to put me ahead of his family. I couldn't put him in that position.

I think it's natural for people with more rigid beliefs to convince themselves that such things are ok, but I don't think it's ok. I also am grateful you posted it as I got to thinking, what if my child wanted to pursue a religion I wasn't comfortable with or was the opposite politically of me? I know I'd feel like encouraging, but I got to thinking exactly how I'd put it into action. If a kid is more secure, I think it's GOOD they know not everyone agrees with him and that there can be a debate about such things, but also that even if his parent disagreed, he would be allowed to pursue his beliefs. I have the intention also, of sitting down with the child and asking them, do you want to be adopted by me - how do you feel about our house and farm, the kind of things we are interested in, our age, do you want to live in a place like that, way out in the country, how do you feel about us having no other children. Some might feel they are finally going to not be struggling to be heard and listened to and that it would be nice. I think it's very very important that the kid want that parent and I can see with an older/teen that they may have very adult feelings about what they need - I remember being a teenager! And how do you feel about possibly being in a home where your parents are a different race (I have absolutely no problem with it and would want that child to feel he was a part of a community, but I see where some kids specify they want a same race adopting parent and I don't disagree with that when the child feels they need that). With some of the disabled/special needs kids on the internet, the organization says they must have two adoptive parents, or that they must be an only child or no younger children in the house. I assume the reason is usually that they need a lot of help and two parents are less likely to get overwhelmed(or in some cases, they have difficulty with younger kids), but I think some special needs kids would be ok in a single parent family...I also may wait til I retire to adopt, if so, I would have the whole day. I've found single parents can often adopt multiple kids and I can't imagine anything better than giving several kids a place to be together so that's also an option. Of course I realize it would not all be smooth sailing, but I think a group of children would be more comfortable staying together!