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What are the parenting decisions that your child's Mom or Dad make that you would never make?
How do you deal with those decisions? How about when those decisions are made in front of you?
I'm not necessarily talking HUGE decisions, but just the small stuff, you know?
(Or am I the only one that has these!?!?!)
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No, you're not the only one :)My situation is much different, since she and her mother lived with me for a period of time. I was subjected to all manner of really really poor parenting choices...(or no parenting at all).Since our situation was different (they were living in my home, with my family) I felt comfortable enough to address a few of the major issues face to face...but I would no longer feel comfortable doing that - even though I know the situation has gotten much worse.
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hi TG...I have often wondered what S (my son's first mom) thinks of certain things I do...discipline etc. She never says word one about my parenting and is very supportive. But I know I must do some things differently than she might prefer. S's mom sometimes can't help herself...lets me know what she thinks, but in a kind way and not overstepping bounds...but she has raised 3 kids so I KNOW she has opinions. She kept telling me how important it is for children to have socialization skills and when I finally put my 3 year old in pre-school a couple of mornings a week she seemed SO relieved!
Brandy, I know how different our situations are, and I can't even imagine to live this to the extreme that you do.
For me, it's mostly really little things - like letting Cupcake run wayyyyyyyyy farther away from me than I would let a three year old. Or silly stuff, like letting her lay a lollipop down on a dirty public bench and then put it back in her mouth.
I didn't think twice before picking it up and saying, "Ew, that's yucky" - before Dee said, "Oh, it's okay."
I shudder to think what was on the bench! (I mean, a cookie falling on the bench is one thing, but a sticky lollipop?)
I have to talk my nerves down about some of those things!
Even though I'm not in an open adoption, there are still things I've seen that I'd think twice about. Like when I got pictures of DD at 15 on a family vacation, she was in a bikini and I noticed she had her belly button pierced. It just seemed weird to me that at her age it would be OK. Or earlier this year when her mom was tagged in a picture along with DD, who was clearly drunk and holding a beer can at a family party. I mean, yeah I drank at 17 and my parents weren't oblivious, but I was not allowed to drink, family party or otherwise. And I cringed to think of the ramifications these days with pics of minors drinking posted on the internet. But what can you do, ya know? Lots of my friends make parenting decisions that I don't agree with, and I don't say much. And this is way more emotionally loaded....
Oh for sure - there's nothing TO do, just things I notice :)
Like it's HARD for me to stroll casually with Dee while Cupcake is literally like a hundred feet away - AND we're by boat docks and stuff? Or in huge crowds of people and I can't see her anymore?
(Ah, perhaps some sort of "loss" thing working in my subconscious? - Probably)
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I think these are relatively small things. Like you said. Try and focus on the big picture. Over all did cupcake look happy, loved, fed, safe, is she learning and growing?
Every parent has a different parenting style and until you are parenting a child you never know what your parenting style will really be, often times it changes over time. You kinda just go with the flow. What might have freaked you out once "like a lollypop laying on a bench" may not freak you out anymore in comparison to other stuff the kids do or get into constantly and yet seem to make it through just fine unharmed.
I would certianly be more nervous about her walking so far away and out of sight.
I think in some ways you can handle it like you would a niece or nephew.
Maybe walk faster to catch up to her, or ask to hold her hand or do something to draw her attention back to you or her mom.
Yes, of course I think that would be her Mom's job. But since she wasn't then I'd step up and do it. Not in a way that would make it seem like I was taking over mom's job but just in a loving friend kinda way, showing you cared and were interested.
Suziebearhugs
I would certianly be more nervous about her walking so far away and out of sight.
I think in some ways you can handle it like you would a niece or nephew.
Maybe walk faster to catch up to her, or ask to hold her hand or do something to draw her attention back to you or her mom.
Yes, of course I think that would be her Mom's job. But since she wasn't then I'd step up and do it. Not in a way that would make it seem like I was taking over mom's job but just in a loving friend kinda way, showing you cared and were interested.
I actually felt this way yesterday at the mall with my friend. She let her just turned 4 year old walk WAAAYYY ahead or behind(where I couldn't see her) and when we were walking through the parking lot on the sidewalk, she didn't notice her daughter stepped off the curb until she was halfway in the middle of the road! I called her attention back to us but still! Scary!
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I totally hear you TG.
It's good to be able to come somewhere and talk about things and know that there are others that are going through the same thing.
Kiddo's mom and dad definitely do things that I wouldn't allow a child to do if I was parenting. It's tough because we are in a position where we have to bite our tongues about our own children and most people just don't get that. It just adds conflicting emotions.
It's all good... some of us get what you're going through :)
belleinblue1978
Kiddo's mom and dad definitely do things that I wouldn't allow a child to do if I was parenting. It's tough because we are in a position where we have to bite our tongues about our own children and most people just don't get that. It just adds conflicting emotions.
I am not in OA, but did have a semi-open. Sometimes in updates I would read things that wouldn't always sit quite right with me. Nothing really horrible, but just some differences in values or attitudes and I would think "I would NEVER say (or do) that!" Once in awhile I might find certain things a little unsettling. I can only imagine how much more intense this would be if I was actually witnessing the parenting. That's not to say I think they did a bad job. I think they were fabulous parents, but unfortunately NO ONE is going to parent our kids the way we would and we are always going to notice the differences, even if they are reasonable differences.
The running far away would actually worry me. I don't think I could handle seeing it because then I'd be wondering and worrying about her safety when I was not there. It just must be so hard.
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The running far away does stress me out, I have to admit - and yeah, I wonder about when I'm not around, but I know Dee would never want Cupcake in danger, so I have faith that she keeps a close *enough* eye on her (whatever that means!)
Mostly, I guess I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone! :)
Like Belle said, to know that others struggle with this too....