moving too fast

You're welcome! And I hope it didn't come off like i thought you would disconnect, because I don't hink you have the intension to do that at all. But I think if you do tell her you need some space, maybe let her know that you don't want to stop communication, just that you need time. I think for me, if I heard "i just need some space" I would think, yea, ok, she'll never contact me again, so she might think that too, so just be upfront with her!

Hiya 2blue! Welcome! I found my son (who will soon be 25) three years ago. MAN! Even though I looked for HIM it sometimes is VERY overwhelming. With us, there was a HUGE flurry of information back and forth in the beginning BUT that really really calmed down and now I don't hear from him much at all. I think she just has 41 years of stuff that she wants to share with you! I think that it's quite ok to tell her that it's a lot, and maybe make sure to reassure her that you DO want to continue contact, but that you don't want to be overwhelmed. I think it's a good idea as well to say 'I'll get back to you in a couple of days' and then do that! Then you'll build up trust with her and she won't feel like you're just going to disappear. I know that I have gone (and still go through) a HUGE range of emotions. That's allowed you know! I'm glad she found you though and I hope that you guys can establish a fabulous relationship.

You ask why now. It is actually very common for adoptees to wait that long. I'm an adoptee who searched for and found my bparents last year, shortly before I turned 41. A lot of us just aren't really ready before then, or life gets in the way and the search gets put on the back burner. Growing up, I always thought I'd search when I turned 18, but it just didn't happen. Later,when I was thinking about searching in my 30s, I didn't have a clear answer to my own question of why I wanted to find them and what I wanted out of reunion, so I didn't pursue it until I got my head together a bit better.

that's great feedback - I tried online registries, etc, but she went straight to the source. It's not really important "why now" as much as it is that it happened. Thank you.

next question, since there doesn't seem to be a "rule book" for this - should I contact her adoptive parents? She has told them she's in contact with me, and I'd love to hear from them about her growing up.

That's up to you. My advice would be to wait a bit. I know my bmom would love to meet my amom, but I'm not quite ready for all that. I'm still trying to figure out all this reunion stuff, how everyone fits etc.... My amom has been 100% supportive, but I still worry about how she actually feels now that it's happened. I guess I'm waiting for the dust to settle a bit. Your daughter may feel completely different.

First I want to say that you need to be honest with how you feel about being overwhelmed. It does not help anyone if the barrage of emotions are gettinginthe way of actually getting to know each other. Many adoptees feel the same way as you...if its going to fast the fear and confusion sets in. I would def. make it clear though thats its not her personally that is causing you to back up a little and it really is the fact that you are overwhemed with the situaion and memories ect. As far as contacting her parents...um no....she is 41 and is able to let them know how much she wants them to know. She needs to control that aspect of things. She knows how much they can handle, how recpetive or not they may be and really if she even wants then to know. Good luck and I hope things progess and everyone can can a little peace in whatever they need.

I agree with dpen6 -- don't contact her aparents on your own. I understand you wanting to talk to them, and I think it's great that you have such positive feelings toward them. However, it might be too much for her, especially now that she is trying to deal with suddenly having this whole new part of her family in her life. Also, her aparents may not be ready for it -- some are very nervous about contact with the "other mother" in their kids' lives. I would suggest that you talk to her about your desire to contact her aparents, and let her be the intermediary to bring you together if she's ready for that. I found my bparents last fall, and my mom wants to get in touch with them. She asked me for bmom's e-mail address, but I said I would need to ask bmom first. I haven't done that yet because I don't think she's ready for that.

thank you - her aparents know she found me, I just want to thank them for being her parents and raising a wonderful child. I don't think of myself as her mother, only the teenager who gave birth. I think her "raising" family needs some praise?

don't want to meet her amom, just want to thank her for raising a beautiful daughter whom I just happened to give birth to. No face-to-face (we're in different states) but maybe a letter?

I think a letter to her amom would be a great idea. Talk to your daughter about it and ask her if you should mail it directly to her mom or send it to her to give to her mom. It might be something nice for the two of them to share together.

Catholic Charities is famous for giving out too much information. The intermediary could not believe that he had that information including some made out reason why i gave him up for adoption. She might have more information form Catholic Charities. Mots of the time it not accurate. Good luck

I agree with St3v3n and txrnr. It could be that it's taken this long for your child to muster up the emotional courage. I'd also heard that some adoptees don't start searching until after their a-parents have passed away - i.e. they're afraid that searching before then would result in too much confusion having to balance between 2 sets of parents. For me, although I'd tried twice (once when I was 21, and then once when I was 33) to find my b-family, it wasn't until I was in my mid-40's after my stepdad died suddenly that I realized how quickly time was 'running out'. I decided that I'd better try searching again in earnest before my b-parents passed away too. Alas, I was still too late on all 3 occasions since both my b-parents had already died of extreme poverty before I was 21! Now that I know how much emotional resilience reunion requires, I don't think I could have handled all the reunion stuff if I'd met my b-family at 21 or even 33. I also agree with txrnr's suggestions about how to reply to your child's emails. I think it's totally OK to say that one needs time to digest everything - contact and reunion can be truly overwhelming.

thanks - I was taken by surprise that Catholic Charities even told her the birth father's name - is nothing "secret" with them? I'm a little concerned that they're giving out so much information.

CATHOLIC CHARITIES also gave my bson the fathers name. The problem is that- who ever he is - is not the father . I don't know who the guy. They also gave him the University this so called father went to. I know who I slept with and he was not AMerican. he was my first boyfriend. They also said I had children in my country. I was just a dumb naive foreigner at the time. I never knew that my child was a USA citizen- he qualified for Medicaid. Catholic Charities had eight pages of information which my bson should not have had. He brought it to my attention after talking to MIDWEST Adoption Center which located me. They were very professionalCatholic Charities had some quotations in those letter that I supposedly said during the adoption. Some of the language I don't use. I was horrified. I had also been told that my child was adopted by an MD out of state. When we went to try and get him after the two weeks sheltering .I was told he was gone and I had signed the papers which were authorization to seek medical care during the two weeks shelter not adoption.. I was horrified when he had documentations that he spent five months in Temporal Shelter. That was too devastating even up to now. Your daughter might have a lot of information from Catholics Charities. My situation was 28 years ago. I just met my bson 2 weeks ago. does any one hate this name "birth mother" it really bothers me..