Confessions...

I confess that as a birth mother and an adoptee, I often have conflicting opinions about what I think is right and it often leads me to really become angry with myself because I don’t know which one is actually “right”.I confess that even though I have been immensely blessed with having an open adoption with my daughter, sometimes I hate her parents with a passion so deeply it sends me into a deep depression. I confess that, even though I have said above as well as on the forums how lucky I am to have an open adoption – my adoption has become almost totally closed because I can’t bear watching the damage her parents are doing to her – instead, I watch from a distance, via Facebook. I confess that it really hurts my feelings when people can’t see me for more than ‘just a birth mother’. I confess that it really bothers me when people feel like their way or their experience is the only acceptable path along the journey of life. In tandem, I confess that I try as hard as I can to excise that toxicity from my life. Sometimes, I don’t have that luxury and it frustrates me.I confess that most of the time, I really, really, loathe my birth mother. I stay in contact with her (1-2 emails per year) only because I need health information and she sometimes lets that slip – but never, ever, tells me when I actually ask for it. In my defense, she is a cold heartless woman who has never tried, even a little bit, to have a relationship with me.I confess, I feel really guilty for not having a relationship with my birth mother because I suspect the reason I don’t is because it’s just to painful for her to be reminded that the decision she made ultimately ended up being awful.I confess that it scares the ach, e, double hockey sticks out of me to think that my daughter and I will suffer a similar fate – because like my birth mother – I am truly and deeply hurt by the decision I made when choosing her family – although, like my birth mom, I had very limited (and not totally honest) information on which to base my decision – I know it’s not my birth mom’s fault that my childhood was so bad – I hope M comes to know the same thing.I confess that while my own adoption story is anything but sunshine and roses – I do think that ethical adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing.I confess sometimes, I have to ‘turn it all off’ and just go be Brandy – while adoption is a huge part of my life, both personally and professionally – it rarely plays a role in my day to day life outside of the office. Unless I blog about it – which I rarely do.