Advertisements
Advertisements
So a little background first...so, i was adopted 20 years ago in a closed adoption.. in the last year i have reunited with the birthfamily and have met my sister within in the last year and just last week met my birthmother for the first time in our lives. And I had been dragging my feet for a while about meeting my birthmother because it scared me out of my ever lovin' mind..but i faced my fears and finally did it and it was amazing. And i knew the second i looked into her eyes I would melt and the big tough face would come down and I would just sob. And it happened. I couldn't stop looking at her! she looks just like me! my sister is practically my twin. it's so crazy to finally be able to see people who look and act like me after all these years. And it's wonderful. But ever since she left I just keep wishing I were with her. :( We live states apart. And when i have those thoughts i start feelign guilty about the mother who raised me and is really hurting through all of this. she is very supportive but i know it's hurting her BIG TIME. how could it not. the adoptive triad is pain on all 3 sides and I just so feel so bad for her and my a-dad. i'm a very loyal person in general and i am feeling like my loyalty is being yanked all around and i guess i'm having a hard time allowing myself to feel what i want to feel because i feel like i'm hurting my adoptive family. They raised me yes and they gave me the best life ever and i love them dearly..but i'm genetically connected to my birthfamily and that bond is sooo strong and I love them too. No one is making me try to feel guilty but I do and I know that that isn't fair to me. Adopted people have such a hard time and nothing about this reunification process has been easy. I just need some feedback if anyone has anything to offer i'd really appreciate it. thank you!
Like
Share
I think the answer here is that you don't have only a finite amount of love to give (or receive), and shouldn't be limited. Loving one person does not mean you love someone else less. I suggest you sit down with your (a)parents and talk about how you feel, how you still consider them your family, but that your family has gotten bigger. Tell them it doesn't change your feelings for them or their status in your life, and you're not replacing them, just adding more family to your life. You say you're 20, so I'm guessing there's a good chance you're not married yet, but try to think about what happens when you do. Suddenly, your family grows. However, your mother-in-law does not replace your mother or change your relationship with her at all. Obviously it's not quite the same, but there are some parallels.
I hope you and your parents can work through this so you can continue having a fulfilling relationship with every member of your family.
Like
Share
Advertisements
I've been the Amom, and yeah the beginning stages of reunion are hard to watch from the sidelines, hard to be involved in....it's just hard. But you must must must know that it does not mean that you are doing anything wrong or that you are causing their pain. The pain comes from the fact that the situation even exists- that you came from other parents and have another biological family out there. That hurts. But you did not bring that to be and each person must be absolutely free to pursue their own truth and their own journey. And if your mom continues to be supportive, she'll keep working through her feelings just like you have to and everyone has to, and as time passes and dust settles, everyone will feel less on edge and unsure about what the future holds.
Just hang in there, keep speaking the truth in love, and it will be okay. I wish sometimes I could make it easier on my DS navigating his own reunion, but honestly none of us can really make it easier on anyone else other then not being an obstacle-- we each just have to find our own way through it.
Like
Share
I would agree with both of the previous 2 people who'd posted. I can understand how you feel like you're somehow being 'disloyal to' or 'rejecting' your a-parents by connecting with your birth family. For some odd reason, subconsciously we adoptees have been led to believe that our birth roots aren't important and that somehow our desire to find the missing parts of our lives means that we're dissatisfied with our current family/lives, both of which are untrue IMHO. And as a result of this myth, unfortunately many adoptees end up feeling guilty and sheepish for searching/reuniting.
A contrasting example would be this: if your mom had 2 children but lost one child and wanted to search for that child, would it mean that she loves you any less?
And I can understand how your a-parents may feel sad and at a loss knowing that the reality of the situation is that you do also have biological roots which are personally important and irreplaceable. But then again, your relationship with your a-parents is irreplaceable and unique too so hopefully they'll understand that. According to the "7 Core Issue in Adoption" by Silverstein et al, a-parents have their own issues of grief and loss reactions to deal with. So as much as you care about your a-parents, I would suggest that you remind yourself that you and your searching are not the cause of their pain but rather, they have their own unresolved (but understandable) adoption-related grief and loss to grapple with.
However, I believe that it's possible to love several parents, that it's a matter of loving your a-parents AND your birth parents, not a matter of choosing one set OR the other. For me, I also have step parents and I love all of my parents regardless of how they came into my life.
Like
Share
ripples
For some odd reason, subconsciously we adoptees have been led to believe that our birth roots aren't important and that somehow our desire to find the missing parts of our lives means that we're dissatisfied with our current family/lives, both of which are untrue IMHO. And as a result of this myth, unfortunately many adoptees end up feeling guilty and sheepish for searching/reuniting.
I think a lot of it comes from the fact that most people have one mother and one father, period. That's what is "typical," so that's what most people envision when they think of a family. It's a very deep-seated cultural convention, so it's hard for adoptees (and those around us) to wrap our heads around the fact that our reality is different. We do have two completely separate sets of parents. But they are just that -- separate. They have different roles in our lives, and we have different relationships with each of them. So the relationship with the bmother does not necessarily affect the relationship with the amother. Sometimes it does, for better or for worse, but I think that has a lot to do with how strong the relationship with the amother was in the first place.
Like
Share
I've never felt so much guilt in my life than when I went to meet my bio Dad and then my bio Mom.
I felt like I was having an affair. I felt horrible.
My 16 yr old daughter really freaked over it. She missed and cried for her Nana and asked to go back to see Nana the night before we met her bio grandmother. It passed, the meeting went very well. We've never hugged Nana more than we did when we got back from that trip. She literally had to ask us to stop hugging so much.
This was the hardest part for me, the feeling of being disloyal. And in reality I wasn't being disloyal in any way. Sure did feel like it tho.
Like
Share
Advertisements
St3v3n
I think a lot of it comes from the fact that most people have one mother and one father, period. That's what is "typical,"
Very good point. And I think the flip side is that our society still assumes that one set of parents will replace the other, rather than be another form of a 'blended' family. I also think that there are still a lot of unwritten taboos about adoption, just as there were about divorce-related families a few decades ago (and still are in many countries). I wonder if people who were fostered also feel similar emotions of guilt and disloyalty if they connect with their first set of parents/family members?
And now that adoption has become more common (or at least more publicised), I wonder if the taboos, eg. those relating to connecting with one's birth family, are still as strong as a few decades ago?
Hey BethVA62,
Interesting to hear about the response from your 16 year old daughter. Did you talk with her afterwards about her feelings about her Nana and her biograndmother and your reunion overall?
Like
Share
ripples
Very good point. And I think the flip side is that our society still assumes that one set of parents will replace the other, rather than be another form of a 'blended' family. I also think that there are still a lot of unwritten taboos about adoption, just as there were about divorce-related families a few decades ago (and still are in many countries). I wonder if people who were fostered also feel similar emotions of guilt and disloyalty if they connect with their first set of parents/family members?
And now that adoption has become more common (or at least more publicised), I wonder if the taboos, eg. those relating to connecting with one's birth family, are still as strong as a few decades ago?
Hey BethVA62,
Interesting to hear about the response from your 16 year old daughter. Did you talk with her afterwards about her feelings about her Nana and her biograndmother and your reunion overall?
Oh yes, we talked a lot about it, still do, she's 25 now. I knew how she felt, cause I was feeling it too. It seemed to be magnified in her at that time and I don't think it had really crossed her mind until it hit her that night. It was horrible! Like homesick crying where you can't breathe, I was almost just as bad lol
I was fighting it hard and I'm a tuff old broad. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel like that, so tender.
She was very interested in searching, finding and meeting. It was she that really pushed me to get serious about searching when she was younger 10,12. She was mad she didn't know her roots past me too. She couldn't believe she had other grandparents out there that didn't even know her, how awesome she is or she them. She's grown so close to my amom now, adad too, I love it, they all act like they are college students when together, which often includes beer and silliness (something I never got with them!). She communicates with her other grandparents too, but is not as attached to them, mainly because of distance and time spent together. It made it harder for me, I'm glad she was interested, but I didn't want my reunion to hurt anyone else. The last thing you want is for it to give your kids grief too.
Both of my kids are glad that we know everyone now, it's been good for all of us. They both say we would still be searching now if we hadn't found them then. My kids became the focal point in our reunion like I never expected. It soon became all about them for me, instead of all about me, I was happy to give that.
Like
Share
I'm an amom of a 2 year-old. I HOPE that my daughter gets to keep her bmom in her life. Love doesn't divide, fear (and selfishness) does. My daughter having the opportunity to know and love--and be loved--by her bmom, does not decrease her love for me. Many things I do not know, but this I do: you can never have too many people who love you.
From your original post, you sound absolutely lovely, as does your amom. Please don't assume your amom is hurting because you wish to love your bmom, too. She may be afraid she'll lose the beautiful daughter she loves very much, so help ease those fears. But if your amom loves you, and I get the feeling she does, she'll want you to feel loved and complete and at peace. And if she's afraid, time and your continued love towards her will heal that. You are not being disloyal. You are being loyal to the most important person you'll ever meet, yourself. It's okay to love both of your families, and give yourself the gift of freedom to want what you want, and love who you love.
<3, Kajsa
Like
Share
I've been in reunion with my birthson now for almost 9 yrs. He too felt really guilty at the beginning. He loves his adoptive parents dearly and he felt really bad for them at the beginning. I know he suffered a lot of anxiety in the first year of our reunion. We met his parents a few months after my son and I met and they were very nice people. His dad was fine with the whole thing, but his mom was rather.....hmmmm, can't even find the right word. While she understood his need to find and know me, she was a little jealous, but as time went on, we got to know each other and emotions settled down. We both love our grandsons and our common interest in them kind of bonds us together. Time makes things easier. We've all come to see that this is no kind of competition and there is room for all of us in 'our' son's life. Cause we can all stand back and see that this is 'our' son and 'our' grandsons. Love expands, it doesn't transfer from one to the other. My son considers all of us his family. It doesn't come right away and the first few years are times of feeling your way along. But it's all worth it in the end. Your mom will come to grips with this. Reassure her that you love her and always will.
Take care and enjoy your reunion. It's a time you'll never forget. :grouphug:
Like
Share
Advertisements