Need help - how to tell a teenager???

Hoo boy, this is a tough situation. I am a huge proponent of telling kids the truth about their origins from the beginning, even before they are old enough to really understand it. I realize that there is a lot of fear now in telling him this, but I believe he must know and the sooner the better. Others will chime in here, I'm sure, but the longer you put this off, the worse it will be. He has a right to know the truth of who is biological father is. I would NOT recommend letting him find out on his own. Can you and your wife get some counseling around this issue of how to tell him? Personally, I don't think he will reject either of you. He may be angry at not being told the truth, and may wonder what else has been kept secret from him. Regardless of his reactions and if those reactions are negative ones, he still needs to know. 13 is such a tough age, but I'd rather do it now then, say, when he is 15 or 16. I don't think it's "too late" but really is something that should have been addressed from the beginning. I believe most people would agree as that is the standard practice nowadays with adopted children. Now, having said all that, there is the separate issue of your son's birth father wanting contact. That is a completely different issue from your son knowing the truth of his origins. I would focus FIRST on telling your son and letting him process that before I would jump into the other issue. You and your wife will have to decide, as your son's parents, if you want your son to have contact with his birth father, and if so, what that will mean. You could decide to wait until your son is 18 for contact, could agree to a "semi-open" situation, where you can have letters and pictures sent, but no actual contact until 18, or you could open it up completely. But I would deal with the first issue first and then tackle the second one. Just MHO. In fact, I would probably hold off initially on telling my son about his dad wanting the contact, not to further keep secrets, but because I think it will be a lot for your son to handle all at once. I could be wrong about this, but my gut tells me to take this in stages. First and foremost would be for your son to find out you adopted him and are not his biological father (though still his father in every sense of the word!). I hope your wife can come around on this issue. I really think it will only be worse if it is put off anymore.

Flooopie....I am an adoptee so I understand how your child may feel. I wanted to suggest a few things for your evaluation.The use of the 3legged milking stool approach is a good place to start. There must be 1. Timing: 2.Honesty: 3. Sincerity:At a time when you are particularly close as a family, and things are relatively quiet, you and mom have a private conversation with him about the adoption and your relationship with him. You have been an a-father who loves him very much, vs a bio a-father who is relatively unknown to him.I suggest that you dont feed him the whole cake all at once. Share a brief and simple story about you and mom being married, the subsequent adoption and that you have kept this family secret out of concern for him...waiting till he got a little older. You are sharing this info now, only because bio-dad has surfaced.The main theme he should grasp is that the love you and mom have for him is unconditional...in effect nothing has changed. He still belongs to your family. And both of you will continue to hold the adoption part of the family "secret" in confidence.For him, the sharing of this information will come as a shock and he will need some time to think about it. Leave the door open so that he can come to either of you for support. In discussions of this type, kids today run the whole gamut of everything from meltdown, to casual acceptance. He may not show his feelings. It may also take him some time to grasp what has been shared. All you can do is wait to see where it will go. If he understands that he doesn't need to have concerns regarding any changes in his family status, that will help.In answering questions, try to be brief and answer only what is asked...that may be all he can deal with at that time. If he asks for more, you can answer.In terms of who should know, that can be left to him. You and mom have kept his confidence so far, and that will continue. He can decide what he wants others to know and then share when he is ready. For now,he may wish to continue the secrecy and not share, and thats ok.In sharing the events of bio vs present dad he also needs to know that he has the freedom to ask any questions that come to mind. There are no "off limit" areas. That freedom will go a long way towards fixing his head in regards to his thots related to any adoption concerns.I wish you the best.

I agree, he should have been told a long time ago but since you can't go back he should be told as soon as possible. There is no question you are his "real" dad. You are not his biological father. Since the bio dad has contacted you he knows where you are and he will find your son. To let him find out on his own would be disastorous! I believe that would cause a real problem in your relationship. Let's face it, kids expect grown ups to tell them the truth. Your wife needs to come clean-it's what is best for your child. It will be much easier if you tell him now than if his bio father finds him at 18-an age where a teen's relationship can be rocky with their parents. I would also contact the bio father and make him aware your son does not know. Hopefully, you can tell him that you are going to let him know. While I think your son needs to be told immediately, I don't know that I advocate a relationship with the bio dad at this point. Your son needs to get used to the idea and you need to be sure if you allow contact before age 18 that bio dad will be an ok influence on your son. Perhaps bio dad would just like pics and updates until he is 18. Good luck to you and your wife-for what it's worth-I'm an adoptee and have an adopted DD. I have known I was adopted for as long as I can remember and will raise DD the same.

Thanks for the great advice. We have decided to tell him tonight, which gives us the chance to keep him home from school tomorrow if he needs it. We are obviously quite terrified. A lot of tears the last couple of days getting to this point - and very, VERY little sleep. But the emotional toll has been enormous, and we can't keep going on carrying this baggage. It's not fair to him at all. If you pray, we could use your prayers. I don't want to lose my son, and I think I might. But I also don't want to be selfish. Thanks again for all the advice.

Just wanted to say I am praying for you and your son. Whatever scary stuff this stirs up in the short term, you are definitely doing the right thing.

My father is the oldest of his siblings, and it is the same situation. My grandmother became pregnant, left the guy, married my grandfather. My dad didn't know until he was an adult with kids of his own, and he saw it on his birth certificate. I share this because he was absolutely devastated that they weren't honest with him about it. He decided not to seek contact with his birth father. I would talk to someone who is experienced with dealing with such situations, maybe an attachment therapist? If not they'll know who you can call. A thought....it sounds like you're active in your church, so a biblical analogy might help him. Joseph was not the biological father of Jesus. Yet God chose Joseph to be the father of his own son while on earth. Do you think Jesus felt differently toward Joseph than a child would toward his biological father? Do you think Joseph felt any less privileged, had any less love for Jesus? If anything, he was more aware of the privilege of raising a child, more honored to be chosen for this task. Add to that the fact that we're all children of God by adoption. men fell, and it wasn't until after God sent his son as a sacrifice for us that we could be "adopted" by the Father. Just a suggestion, I've used these analogies to put friends and acquaintences at ease with the idea and normalcy of adoption. Good luck and many prayers.

I give you a lot of credit for wanting to tell your son the truth. As an adoptee who has always known that I was adopted, I cannot imagine finding out as a teen that the father I assumed was biologically related to me was, in fact, not. Teens have enough on their plate, as the teenage years are the time when we form our identities [or begin to, anyway...I don't think we really know who we are inside and out until our late twenties - or, maybe never!] so I think that yes, telling him ASAP is the best decision. Please offer him a lot of support. I liked Momma's reference to the Bible [despite not being particularly religious] as it may make perfect sense to your son in this situation. I would suggest family counseling, too. It's really a matter of making sure that your son can learn to trust you and his mother again. I hope you'll update us.

Thank you all. We talked with him last night, and it went very well. I was a mess, my wife held it together (for the most part), and my son was amazing. I couldn't believe it. We talked about it, and he had a few questions - nothing too specific... yet. Here's what made it go easier... I was with mom while she was pregnant with him. I was at the hospital when he was born. He realized I was always his dad. The advice about short answers was perfect. We let him know he could ask anything, and we would answer everything. He really didn't ask much, but we think he will in the coming months. Ironically, I used the story of Jesus and Joseph before I even read the post about it so, confirmation! He really wanted his brother and sister to know, and that was more difficult, but it went fine. He even helped explain the different between ֑genetic dad and ґfamily dad. He told me he doesnҒt even see us as not related by bloodђ. He went to his room a couple of hours after our talk and called a few of his friends. My wife could hear him crying while on the phone, which I am really thankful for. I believe he needs to let it out, talk with people, make sense of it all. My dad called him while he was about to go to sleep and just told him how important he is, and how much he is loved. My son came downstairs after that to get something to drink and he told me about grandpas call. This morning, things seemed normal. Everyone was getting ready for school, ґlove yous, ґhugs, etc. I was going to keep him out of school today, but I think he needs to be with friends and just get his head straight. One of the things we want to avoid is the common ґisolation problem that happens when people experience stress like this. He needs to be around people, even if nothing is said. Anyway, we know this is just the beginning҅ but thank you all for your support and advice. It really made the difference.

Thanks for the update. I am so relieved to hear that it went well. I really appreciate what you and your wife did...you sound like wonderful, loving parents and I wanted to let you know that. If your son wants to talk to other people who have been raised by non-biological parents, suggest the forums. Perhaps that may help him in the future... Do you have plans to adopt him? If you mentioned that previously, I'm sorry..

Thanks for the update flooopie. I am so happy to hear things went as well as they did! I had a feeling they would, and I think you are right in that it's good for your son to express his feelings about this and be able to come to you and his mom with any further questions or concerns. I will still keep you and your family in my prayers. I think getting this out in the open now was the very best thing for everyone and you handled it perfectly.

Glad to hear everything went well:) It sounds like you all have strong family support which really helps.