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Okay - I don't want to sound overly paranoid but I need your thoughts! (Super long, sorry!)
We have semi-open adoptions (no identifying info, letters yearly).
Here is our concern: The Many bio family members are on facebook and other such sights. And they comment about finding my kids on such a sight someday. The concern is that as my children get older and get onto these sights, they will be easily recognized by anyone looking for them (bio families know their first names). They may get messages and invites from their bio family. My kids may be open to that, or they may not. But I want my children to have the freedom to be themselves, to go on these sights and connect with friends and family, without the fear of being "found" if they don't want to be found. And without having to "mask" their identity.
I already know that a few bio family members will be waiting with bated breath for the 18th birthday. Some will do their research ahead of time, and may make the first contact, even though I don't think that's appropriate. I am supportive of my kids meeting them, when they want to and feel ready. Maybe not when they are still teenagers. Maybe not until years later. It should be up to my kids.
I know that my childrens' birth mothers share the pictures I send to them with all of their family. I am not going to ask them not to, but feel uncomfortable that many of them will be able to recognize my child, and my child won't know them.
I don't want my child to feel like they have to protect their identifying info - that's my job until they are old enough to decide. But I don't want to stop sending pictures either. I love sharing pictures, and I know they love getting them. But I don't want my children to be recognized and "discovered." It's up to them to do the discovering when they are ready.
Does any of this make sense? My husband feels very strongly about this. We even have made-up names on facebook, so our children's birthparents won't know our last name, if they stumbled across us. (It's a unique one. Would not be hard to find us if they knew it. We used to just "hide" our facebook page. But now names and profile pictures cannot be kept private. They weren't so private before, anyway.)
Hubby wants to stop sending pictures altogether. Even if we told our children's birthmothers the reason, and they promised to not ever make the first contact, we can't ask them to not share pics, and we can't ask them to speak for their family members. (Our close friend was contacted at age 18 by bio cousins, and it freaked him out. He was NOT ready. And it always bothered him that people knew who he was, when he didn't know them.) Hubby wants it to be up to the adoptee, no one else (he may not get what he wants, but he'd like to try to protect what he can for his kids). My husband's compromise is to send pictures that show the essence of our child's personality - riding horses, skiing, playing in the mud, etc., but where the facial features are not super-clear or close-up.
That seems ...I don't know. Shifty. Anyway. I feel stuck. Stuck between what I would love to share with people who love our son, and our first responsibility, which is to our kids, to protect them - including protecting their futures and information - so they can use it how they choose. And stuck between my husband's strong feelings of NO MORE PICTURES!!! - and not wanting to hurt the feelings of their birth families.
P.S. Our "agreement" was for letters and pics until they were 2, then letters until 18. But it felt weird to send a letter without a stack of pictures, so I always put them in.
Any thoughts??? Hubby won't OK any more "identifying" pictures, but do I communicate this to their birth mothers, or just send fun, non-identifying pictures, and hope they don't notice the shift?
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quantum
As a birth mother speaking here, I'm wondering what in the world are you so afraid of??
Most birth parents respect that it's the adoptive parents raising the child and would never approach a minor.
Most birth parents would love to get to know their birth children, but respect what their birth children want.
You have a semi-open adoption but it sounds as if you want to close it and that is a shame.
May I ask how old your children are?
It just seems really too soon to start worrying about reunion and who will contact who first.
I saw on another thread this morning that you feel a bit insecure that your children might love their birth mothers as much as they love you one day after they reunite...and that kind of made me pause and wonder.
Maybe we can help give you better feedback if we know the children's ages.
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I am frustrated by the suspicions that we have that several bio family members will not respect our wishes that our children be allowed to make the first contact. And that contact from the bio family will come on (or before) the 18th birthday. (They've said as much to us, even though we've told them we'd give our children all info, and asked them to please let first contact come form the adoptees) I have no control over what they choose to do. And I don't know how mature my children will be as teenagers. All I can do is protect their privacy until they are old enough to protect it and share it themselves.
Thanks for giving us more information. My initial feelings and responses were based not knowing all the information.
It would be helpful to know your kids ages as well.
The child that doesn't want ANYTHING sent, is that child at a rebellious age, for example? or an age where everything is embarassing? I would totally understand in that case not sending pictures. I would maybe even send an update saying 'well you know DD/DS is now at one of those difficult ages, and has been asking me to stop sending updates, I feel torn because while I want to respect DD/DS, I also want to live up to the agreement that we have with you, their birth mother.'
I DO think, whatever your decision in the end, that to completely cut off the birthparents from any information whatsoever with no explanation is not the way to go. Even if the child requests that. That would be a good time to teach them about following up on promises, how explanations, even if they are painful are better than just avoiding issues etc etc.
I guess I'm just saying, try to find a way to turn the negatives of this situation into positives. I think it's healthier for everyone involved!
As an adoptee, I have to agree with the others about honoring your child's wishes. Tell the bmom that after a lengthy discussion between you and your daughter, she isn't comfortable with her photos being sent with updates. However, when and if she should change her mind, photos will resume. Also state as your daughter's mom, you wish for a no contact request via face book ( or any other kind of communication) to be honored by ALL bfamily members, and that any contact without consent is going against your families wishes. I wish you the best, Manni
After reading all the responses in the merged posts, I too have changed my view. I am not saying that you shouldn't send pics. That is still something you have to decide with input from your chidlren and husband. But I would consider this a fluid situation. You could decide to not include pics for the next update and then reconsider when your child is older. Your child should know that her wishes are respected.
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Thanks for coming back and clarifying. From what I am reading, you have several OA's, are you wondering about stopping pics for all or one in particular? As far as your DD that is not wanting you to send pics, then that's it, you have your answer there. Just explain to her birthfamily how your daughter feels and if she changes her mind one day you'll resume. If they can't respect that, it's their issue. I'd have been crushed, but more that my DD felt that way than not getting pics. But I'd absolutely respect it, and respect you for being honest in a hard spot. They need to realize that disrespecting you and your daughter's wishes will bite them in the end, since I'm sure DD will remember that when they attempt contact at 18. But there isn't much you can do about how they react, you just have to follow your DD's wishes and continue to be firm about it. Now, I too would continue the agreed upon contact and use this as a learning tool for your DD as to honoring promises, however if she is really that adamant about no contact whatsoever, I feel that you have no choice but to honor her wishes first. But I don't think it should be a blanket decision across all OA's. You need to assess each relationship differently. If the issue is how she addressed herself (ie: the "real mommy") then address that issue. If she expressed regret (which is inappropriate) than address that issue. Don't cut them off from pics unless the pics themselves are an issue. Seeing pics doesn't enhance their feelings IMO. Stopping them will. I wouldn't worry about the whole "I'll get them back at 18" thing. Especially given that they are young. Trust me, there were many times where I hit walls with my DD's mom and I THOUGHT (did not verbalize, key words there!) "Well, at 18 I can contact her directly and she can't do anything about it." Guess what? As the relationship grew we overcame a lot and now that my DD is 18, I am still going through her to facilitate things and I no longer feel that way. If you like the birthparents, and your child is not against it, then don't pull back, move forward. 18 is a long time away, things may change. But at 18 you have to have faith in yourself as a parent that you've taught your children to make up their minds and make healthy choices as to who they want in their lives. There's only so much protecting you can do at that point KWIM? As far as Facebook, I'm assuming that you are talking about the kids? Who knows what privacy settings will be when they are old enough to have pages! Plus they don't HAVE to upload a profile pic, that way the "silhouette" will still show. Or, maybe their pic has to be non identifying. There are a lot of internet predators out there to worry about, I'd be more concerned about their safety in that respect. Just teach them how to protect themselves from all internet dangers, teach them to let you know if they are contacted so you can step in, and monitor their pages until they turn 18 as a condition of them having pages to begin with. Again you have time. Don't sweat stuff that is years away. Life is too short :)
Thanks for all your thoughts. I will encourage hubby to read and think about them as well.
And just for clarification, I would NEVER dream of stopping the letters. That was never even considered.
The next letter for my daughter who is against me sending pics is a couple of months out. I will have a few talks with her between now and then about the pictures. She is only 8, but a deep thinker. And stubborn. Which is one of the many things I love about her. Maybe she will change her mind. If not, I will respect her wishes and just send a letter. She has a birth mother who is loving and sweet, but I think she does not understand the nature of adoption (ie - it is not long-term babysitting).
The other child that I am concerned about is a safety concern (history of abuse, meth, violence - and they live locally and are angry about the removal of their daughter) but there are bio siblings there (at an aunt's house, who we are not allowed to contact or visit), so I don't want to stop. I have no agreement, and I get nothing from them, but the older siblings I know love to see the pictures. So I send them. Due to safety concerns I may just send fun pictures without close-ups of facial features as she grows older. This first year I have sent a lot of close-ups of smiling and cute faces so they know she is okay.
The last (middle) of the three has a birthmother who is mature and beautiful, with a supportive family. If my son does not want reunification, I will cry, because I want reunufication with her! :)
So there are my tentative thoughts... Let my daughter decide situation one, and send non-identifying but fun pics to the bio siblings. (The third was never in question - I have no concerns about her or her family)
I will again ask for pictures from family. It is a weird feeling to send detailed information and pictures to people that I don't know well, don't have pictures of, and don't know where they are in their lives. And yet there is a connection and love there that is more than with some people I know well. Adoption is a world unto itself.
I'm new to these forums, but I think I would hold to the original agreement to send pictures up to age 2. Instead, you might want to share some of the handiwork of your children with the birth parents--send them a drawing or something that can also demonstrate the development of the children.
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Sending your children's artwork (drawings, fingerpaintings, coloring, etc.) to their birth/first moms is such a great idea...I love it! Another idea is sending an audiotape of them singing their ABC's...maybe even some tapes of them singing Christmas carols or saying their nightly prayers.
Hopefully the first moms on this forum who are actively participating in OA's will give us some more ideas about what they like to receive along with updates.
RavenSong
Sending your children's artwork (drawings, fingerpaintings, coloring, etc.) to their birth/first moms is such a great idea...I love it! Another idea is sending an audiotape of them singing their ABC's...maybe even some tapes of them singing Christmas carols or saying their nightly prayers.
Hopefully the first moms on this forum who are actively participating in OA's will give us some more ideas about what they like to receive along with updates.