How does the birth mom refer to your kids?

Help me understand.....you are upset that this person has a strong opinion (different than yours), and you are opposed to this. Then I read you are wishing them dead?!? It just doesn't make sense to me that you feel they are being harsh and then you make one of the harshest statements one human can make to another. (?)

I think this is someone who is just here to stir the pot. In any case, it does not bother me at all if my children's moms or dads refer to the children as "their daughter or their son". They did give birth to them, and just because they don't share their last name does not mean that they aren't moms/dads. In the same token, I refer to the bio parents as "mom or dad", and it wouldn't bother me if my children did the same. Just recently, I happened to run into my youngest child's (bio) grandma. She was all over my wee one with hugs and kisses. She loves her so much. In conversation, she said to my daughter, "you look so much like your mom". I knew she didn't mean me. lol But, she does look like her mom, and I wasn't offended by it at all. I don't get hung up on titles. The more people who love my children, the better. As long as my children are fine with it...that's all that matters.

I think that the pp - the one that people are unsure of - has a point. She may be new to this... and even in my two months --- an extremely short time in this world of being a pap my outlook has gone through transformation. Two months ago - because of my moms experience as an adopted child I would have said the b mom has no right to call the child her daughter. My mom was abandoned at two weeks old. Then at the age of 6 her mom tried to come back and take her. All she knew was my grandmother....and it was tramatic for everyone. She was also abusive to my mom when she saw her. So no.. that woman has no right to call my mom her daughter.lucky for everyone the judicial system recognized that my grandmother was the best person to raise my mom.. Now you can yell at me all you want. But as a second generation to the triad that was how I was brought up. And my mothers experience as an adopted is just as valid as anyone on here. But as I have been on this site I have learned alot. I have read other peoples stories. And I can see where each situation is different. So some a moms will be OK with the bmom calling the child her daughter. Yes. She physically bore the little one. But titles mean alot. And parenting is more than labor and delivery...but for many women...not my Bio grandmother... adoption is the biggest parenting decision ever made. Its really up to the people and situation... And pp who is in question might just change her mind a bit as I have by getting to know your stories and thoughts. Adoption is an evolution in thought for all of us.

MonjuMama, Let me help you understand the context... Hummermom replied to the above quote by Raven stating Raven stated that her advice sounded right our of the BSE (i.e 1947 - 1973 era) and which the intent then was that mothers should hide under a rock to which Hummermom added 6 feet under as in natural mothers should go hide 6 feet under the rock...NOT as you state below - not even close to what you state below... Dickons

I should apologize for my generalizations. I do realize that there are different situations for different people, e.g. in cases of rape or possibly within family adoptions. In our case, the b-mom of our child had several older children, each from different fathers, all outside of a committed or marital relationship. Yet, she still continued to have unprotected sex, and actually told us she didn't think she could become pregnant. The b-father had fathered at least seven children mainly out of committed relationships. The b-mother had already looked into aborting the child until a mutual friend hooked us up. I commend her for not going through with the abortion and choosing adoption instead. Since then, we have been parenting this child, and will continue to do so. While the b-mom promised she would respect us as being our child's parents, she had been already making claims to being our child's mother. Sorry, I do not agree with that. So, my comments mainly apply to similar situations and food for thought regarding the above questions for adoptive and perhaps some birth parents. I guess there are different situations, such as when the birth parents parented the child until they were a few years old or more. Another would be if somehow the birthparents were involved in coparenting, such as taking care of the child intermittently or financially supporting them. I just strongly feel that there needs to be some kind of work done to earn a privilege or title. I think that our b-mother should have the title of "mom" or "real-mom" to the several children that she is raising. She had certainly earned that. So, my thoughts for adoptive parents are that you have to decide what is the right thing to do for your situation. But, they certainly get my support if they decide that they have the right to claim an adopted child as their son or daughter, and they reserve the title of "mother" and/or "father" to apply to themselves only. Personally, I think that is a lot less confusing to a child as well. Of course, an adult adoptee will also have to decide this for themselves as well, depending upon their unique situation. When our child reaches an appropriate age and maturity where she can rationally process the idea of birth parents, we intend to assist and support her in meeting with them if she wants to. At the same time, we will also impart to her that she does not owe them anything other than an honest appreciation and thanks to her b-mother for deciding to carry her to term (i.e. not choosing abortion) and agreeing that she would be raised in a more stable family. If she feels she needs any more of a relationship, that is up to her. I need to stop writing now as my daughter is crying and needs attention and help. Yours truly, My daughter's Daddy

Jadii, As a child I was never confused that I had a mom and dad and mother and father too. It was my normal because I had always known I was adopted before I could comprehend. I was never confused when mom would tell me why my mother could not parent or other things about my mother in those exact terms. I was also not confused when mom would speak to a sibling about their mother in those exact terms. You see my parents never felt the need to reject the fact that we had another whole family too because that is what adoption means. Nor did they assume they were "better than" and my other family was "less than" simply because they aren't that way. And "gasp" my mother was not married and had unprotected sex and got pregnant with me, and then surrendered me for adoption at birth - and I knew that too as far back as I can remember. My word of advice regarding the abortion and your daughter should be grateful and thankful to her for not aborting her. You do not know if she would have aborted because you are not her and the event did not take place. Please consider not making that part of your daughters story because you really do not know if her mother would have actually done it, so it is a moot point and frankly not true. Perhaps it is just something she may have considered in her crisis, but ultimately she chose to continue the pregnancy and so therefore the abortion statement is not part of your daughters story - the carrying to term is the story. Kind regards,Dickons

So you got "hooked up". Sounds like you were standing in a bar and just "hooked" yourself up with a baby. I really hope that you spend time on these boards and learn from all those here. Because some day, you are going to have a daughter that is inquisitive about her past and genetics. And you are going to be one of those individuals that feel that the "real mother" is intruding in your lives. That those questions about her "real family" should stay in the past where they belong. Well, there is no past when it comes to adoption. This is it. Our lives continue with the adoption being present every day. We are our past. We are our present. And we are our future. Adoption doesn't wipe out our bond with our children. And it appears from research and all of the adoptees searching that it doesn't wipe out the bond that these children feel to a mother that carried them for nine months. So when your daughter gets married and her new mother-in-law wants to be called mom, are you gonna put your foot down? Just as they say church is for sinners, adoption.com is for those that need to grow. I hope you can learn from us here. We have much to offer besides the relinquishment of our children.

To me this is the opitomy of ignorance and the reason why people from different places in the triad can not understand one another's points of view let alone begin to understand where a person from a different part of the triad is coming from and have compassion for that person. I do not belive that you even attempted to look at the issue from a birth/first parents point of view. How would an adoptive parent feel if a birth parent suggested they just "get over" infertility and not harbor any jealous or resentful thoughts towords a women who is able to concieve but not ready or willing to parent. That would be complete ignorance and rude on a first parent's part, just like these comments were ignorant and rude.

We are semi-open and just send pictures and updates. When T comments, she refers to him as T******* and when we talk about her we refer to her as Miss T****. She signs his cards "birth-mom" and I'm fine with that. I wouldn't be fine with "Mommy" or "Natural Mom" but birth-mom I'm great with, that is what she is.

I'm speaking for Hummermom, but I read that as her wishing some of Jadii's ideas were dead and not even part of the adoption lexicon anymore. That is what I thought when I read it, particularly the part that I need to spend the rest of my life being grateful and the part that my son was the result of unprotected sex, because he wasn't.

I don't understand the idea that I get to claim exclusive rights to the title of "mother" because his birth mother couldn't raise him. Another woman created, carried and gave birth to my son. That's real and nothing will ever change it. So much of what makes my son who he is comes from his birth parents. And I think we get into some very dangerous waters when we start belittling our children's birth parents and looking down at them. I know who I am to my son and so does he. I am his mother. I will ALWAYS be his mother. I will always be the mother who raised and cared for him. Nothing will change that, either. I don't need an exclusive claim to the title of "mother" to prove who I am to him. Ultimately, how my son's birthmother defines her relationship with him is not about me. And really, what else would she call him other than her son? What my son chooses to call her is really not about me either. If he chooses to call her mom, I'm not going to tell him he can't or that I'm hurt by that. She's his mother. That's just the truth. I'm not going to make a point of asserting the primacy of my position with either of them. What on earth would be the point of that?

Thanks OakShannon. This is very well said!

Wow, there have been some awesome, thoughtful, respectful (not even gonna address the ridiculous post, but gotta say: my jaw kept dropping as I read it! LOL) replies. This thread was timely for me because much of this has been on my mind in recent weeks. One quote that I read (I believe right here on this very website ;) ) years ago keeps coming to mind. It was something about how is it that everyone can accept that a mother can love more than one child but cannot accept that a child can love more than one mother? In the last couple of months I have gotten closer to and making a real effort to build a relationship with my kids birth mom. They were placed with me at 4 & 9 as foster kids. So my situation is different from many on here who have adopted from birth. Bio mom has a lot of issues and over the last 5+ years not always available but seems to really be making a great effort to get her life back on track and I am so proud of her. It is still not an appropriate time for the kids to have a relationship with her but she and I are really trying. This topic came up when she and I spent a few hours together yesterday and I met one of her cousins and one of her brothers. When she introduced me to them she said "here is the kids mom", casually and like it was no big deal. When I have spokien to her about the kids I often refer to them as "our kids" and she has followed my lead. She is (so far) very respectful of boundaries and says the right things. The bottom line, as many have already stated, is that she will ALWAY be the woman who gave birth to them and their mother. But so am I :D At this time the kids refer to her (when speaking about her since they have not spoken TO her in over 4 years) by her first name. I don't think my daughter especially will ever call her "mom", but if she did I would figure out a way to deal with MY insecurities and feelings about it. I know that both of my kids know who their mom is.

How ignorant. Stick around and learn something...please! If for nothing other than your child/ren!

Thread is well over a year old and a pot stirrer really doesn't warrant this much attention so I'm closing.