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A little background...My Husband and I are Foster Parents. We were placed with a lovely little boy when he was 6 months old, very quickly the first parents and us formed a nice relationship and they asked us to adopt their son.
So now he is our son...and I have NO problem with that. They wanted an open relationship (as did we) and have followed that (with some bumps from both sides) over the past 2.5 years.
This is my question. Our son is now 4 he is a spit fire of a child, very smart. He understands that he is adopted (on a 4 year old level). We are living through life with Reactive attachment disorder...Tonight it was planed for my Husband, our son, and the birthfather (term used to clarify who I am talking about) to go to a movie. The birthfather cancelled last min. Of course our son is upset. If this was the first time then I would just move on and plan another date. This is at least the 4th time, in a row, in the past year that he has done this. Now that our son is older and can be really hurt by this happening over and over I am left not knowing what to do. I am not looking to cut out the birthfather at all!! As I said we have a very nice relationship (mostly through the phone and online...) how do I address this not coming through thing? Also the RAD does not make it any easier...My son sees this as another person that he cannot trust and acts out...
So I guess I just want to know what to do? Or to think? I know that he loves our son...and I am sure that it hurts to spend time with him and then watch him go home with me...but I cannot have him keep letting down our son either...
hmmmmm...
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I think that you have to speak to him about it and let him know that it is hurting your son and it is not acceptable. Remind him that just as you are keeping your commitment to him for having visits, he needs to keep his commitments to your boy. I would also not let son know about the next plan until bDad confirms like an hour before hand!
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Maybe from now on you could make visits with bdad a surprise. Don't tell your son that he is supposed to come. That way if he doesn't show, son is not hurt and if he does, it's a nice surprise for him. We have to not tell our RAD son things because he tends to sabotage fun things, so we just don't tell him until it's time, or sometimes not even until we arrive at the fun place.
The PP who mentioned making visits a "surprise" - I very much agree with that. My mom had to do that with my dad when he had visitation, because more often than not he never showed. So she'd pack our bags, hide them, and if he showed she'd send us off. If not, we weren't heartbroken, and I never knew about it until I was older. I can't tell you how much I appreciate my mom having done that, its a tough thing to go through.
I think I would talk to whoever you're taking your son to for RAD about how to proceed with the relationship. Maybe they'll even talk to bdad.