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What do I do, or say, or do I not do or say anymore, and just leave it all alone?
This is a question for those who have had the experience of having been lied to and later discovered you were raised by people other than your biological parents through adoption or by a step parent or put within one side of the bio family.
When in the case where they remain in denial no matter what the proof you have is, are you still part of their life. Do they act the same around you. I'm finding that their remaining in denial is really starting to become a huge issue for me. The entire family wants to keep their eyes closed to this issue and play pretend. It's almost like they are dellusional about it.
I'm finding it really difficult to stomach. I've told him that I don't care to be asked questions about my life. I've become very defensive about them asking me anything and pressing me for answers. I start out being vague but if I don't say enough, they push for more details. I can't do it anymore. Now that I have stated that I'm not going to give details any more, there are no more phone calls. I requested that my privacy be respected, just as they have their privacy and ask me to respect it. So I don't ask them questions. Unfortunately if he isn't allowed to drill me about my daily life, there isn't anything for us to talk about.
Very awkward, and I'm hoping for some hints on what to do, if anything.
I honestly thought and hoped that by my confroting them about it, they would be relieved that they didn't have to think about it anymore. Guess I was hoping for a miracle huh? I feel like I have other issues about this whole abandonment thing that I may not even be dealing with in a healthy way because I am so focused on why they are still in denial. I get very confused emotionally and mentally after I speak with them, or even hear a message from them. I don't really know how to explain it. I think the only ones that are going to possibly know what I am talking about here is those that have dealt with it, and or are still trying to deal with it.
Thanks for your support, in advance.
Has anyone's relationship w/ their "aparents" improved after confronting them? Did they deny it then finally admit it one day? Just curious.
Any suggestions would be welcome as to how to move on. :grr:
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I can't give advice from someone who has been there, but I have experienced enough of life to know if someone doesn't want to change and to admit something, you can't make them. The only person you can really change is yourself. Maybe you could go to counselling or to a support group to discuss your feelings and come to terms with it?
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
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That's a tough one
I don't have the same experience really, I always knew about being adopted, but that doesn't mean we ever really talked about it very much. There was still plenty of denial going on.
My aparents were OK with me reuniting, but it was very awkward. And they didn't want to pop our bubble that we'd always existed in, and neither did I, but I did want to know more about ME. Change is often scary for everyone.
I understand being angry. Being lied to sucks, and not being able to trust those that you should be able to trust can really make a person feel like crap.
You are the only one that can ease that tho. Regardless of what they do, and I do hope they come around for you.
I was angry that mine didn't seem interested in what I had found during reunion, it hurt my feelings, it was difficult to discuss with them. A lot of awkward quiet, no replies, and funny faces. They rarely asked me questions about any of it. That made me mad. Like if they are not interested in them, then they really aren't that interested in me, the whole me, only the me I am to them. Lots of eggshells for everyone to walk around on.
It got better I think becasue i wouldn't stop talking about it, kindly. LOL They may have not wanted to hear it or talk about it, but I did anyway. 10 years later our conversations have gotten much easier. I think they realized that I wasn't going to hide it under the rug, or keep it outside of the bubble all the time, so they might as well accept the things that had changed in our lives.
Some days we all would just love it to disappear, and go on existing in our happy adopted family bubble.
Some days I would rather be emotionally and physically tortured and beaten in public in the most horrendous ways than to crawl back in that bubble.
I don't need the bubble, I like it sometimes a little, I go back in it for them, they seem to really need it and like it. So the bubble still exists. Sometimes it's kinda good, sometimes not. It's no longer a deadly denial bubble to me tho, so it's no big deal to me to return to it occasionally.
sorry, I probably made no sense at all!
hang in there babe, things can change, and they usually do if you keep poking at them.
It seemed that everyone in our neighborhood knew I was adopted but me....
I was 5 years old and some older boy, like 9 or 10 came riding up on his bike and told me, " Your real mom didnt love you thats why she gave you away to be adopted."
First of all at 5, what the hell is adoption? and What did I do to make my mommy not love me?
Who was the lady I was calling mommy?
Talk about confused, hurt, scared, sad and all the other emotions a 5 year old cannot relay, I had them...
The was the first time I felt alone and lonely....
The verbal torment / torture went on well into high school..
My sister(adopteve parents bio) and her cousins used to verbally torment me about how my bio mom never wanted me and that I must be retarded and on and on and on it went for years...
I finally removed myself from having relationships with certain family members for the obvious reasons...
The final straw was when I was told by a family member that my adoptive had made the comment that I was not his daughter and he had no idea of who I was and that he refused to acknowledge me as his daughter....
These same people wondered why I had such attachement and anger issues... Dumb is as dumb does...
As an adult I look back and shake my head and cry...
I didnt ask to be concieved or given up for adoption... I am the true innocent in it all..
It seemed that everyone in our neighborhood knew I was adopted but me.... I was 5 years old and some older boy, like 9 or 10 came riding up on his bike and told me, " Your real mom didnt love you thats why she gave you away to be adopted."First of all at 5, what the hell is adoption? and What did I do to make my mommy not love me?Who was the lady I was calling mommy?Talk about confused, hurt, scared, sad and all the other emotions a 5 year old cannot relay, I had them...The was the first time I felt alone and lonely.... The verbal torment / torture went on well into high school..My sister(adopteve parents bio) and her cousins used to verbally torment me about how my bio mom never wanted me and that I must be retarded and on and on and on it went for years...I finally removed myself from having relationships with certain family members for the obvious reasons...The final straw was when I was told by a family member that my adoptive had made the comment that I was not his daughter and he had no idea of who I was and that he refused to acknowledge me as his daughter.... These same people wondered why I had such attachement and anger issues... Dumb is as dumb does... As an adult I look back and shake my head and cry... I didnt ask to be concieved or given up for adoption... I am the true innocent in it all..
2xslostchild - I'm sorry you have gone through this kind of intense emotional abuse. It's terribly painful sometimes more than at others. This is a good place to get some much needed understanding and just to be heard. :grouphug:
Fatcat - You weren't the first to encourage counselling, just one in a long list actually. I made an appointment today. Thank you for your support. :thanks:
BethVA62 - I really enjoyed the bubble analogy...lol :p Thanks. I enjoy your posts in general. :flower: :flower:
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:grouphug: Thank you...
My anger is well in check. I have chosen to stay away from the tormentors in my family. I visit my adoptive mom for no more than 30 minutes at a time, that seems to be her magic number before she starts being nasty to me...
As a 47 year old, I have skipped the last 31 years of family holidays, weddings, births and funerals by my own choice...
My husband and I plan 3 day weekends or go visit his wonderfully awesome family for the holidays..
My husbands family has opend their arms, hearts and lives to welcome me into there family...
Thank you all so very much... :grouphug: