Advertisements
Advertisements
My friend just found out that her mother had a son 4 years before she was born and placed him for adoption.
The mom and son (my friend's half brother) just reunited by phone 3 weeks ago.
My friend's mom is mentally ill. She is elated about the reunion and has already used it to drive a wedge between her and her raised chidlren by saying things like: now I finally have a child who will love me and not be so hateful as my ungrateful daughters.
There was a lot of abuse in the family. The mom has put strict perameters aorund who can know about her son and who can't...making it very difficult for her daughters because they don't know who they are "allowed" to tlak to about this.
Making this even more difficult...she will not reveal who the father is and became enraged when asked.
She initially wanted my friend to contact her brother. My friedn said she needed some time. When she mentioned e-mailing him a few weeks later her mom accused her of trying to "steal her thunder" and intrude on the relationship.
My friend is angry at her mom for how she has gone about revealing this information to her raised daughters and all the crazines around it. She has no ill feelings toward her half brother but she said she is envious that he got out of the family and she had to be raised by her mom. Her childhood was traumatic and abusive and many people have urged her to sever her relationship with her mom but she hasn't done it.
So...here is the question. how can she still have some kind of realtionship with her brother with all of this family history that is unknown to him but all too real for her? She said she wants to warn him to keep his young daughters away from the mom because she is so dangerous to children. but she knows that right now he is in the blsuh of reunion, so happy to finally have found her.
He doesn't know what he is in for and my friend is so so confused about how and if she should proceed. Also, she is the oldest and she is kind of reeling from knowing that she was not actually her mom's first child.
As an adopted person...would you want to learn difficult information about your birth parent through experience (letting the reunion play out) or would you want somebody to let you know in advance that your parent was mentally unbalanced?
Like
Share
Boy - this is a tough situation.
While I knew about my half-adoptive-siblings (LOL my amom placed twins 14 years before they adopted me) long before we reunited - the 'actions' of your friends mom mirror my own mothers in so many ways.
I decided that I didn't want to tarnish her in their eyes - that they'd need to learn who she is on their own - so I stepped back and didn't foster a relationship with them at all, after I found them and they all reunited.
I looked at it more like a divorce - I didn't want to 'bad mouth' the other parent...because I wanted them to find out on their own.
Turns out - they're exactly like her :)
It's worked out great for them - and I've heard the "finally I have a daughter" crap more times than I can count.
Bottom line - it's not your friends place to 'educate' him about her...he will have to go into this and learn himself. Stepping in now and saying anything could back fire on her and in the end, she could lose out on any potential relationship in the future.
I did tell my half-a-siblings that 'mom and I have had difficulties so we're not really close - but that doesn't mean I don't want to be a part of your life'.
From what I understand - they never asked her anything about it and they've never reached out to me.
Could be because we have no 'genetic pull' - I really have no idea.
They are quite close with my brother (their bio-half-sibling) - but then again, as I said above - they're all 'birds of a feather' more or less...I'd never fit in :)
Like
Share
Advertisements
Thanks Brandy. That's pretty much what I figured. Let them work it out. Say the same thing you said...relationship with mom is strained but I am open to having one with you.
I think she is struggling because her mom now has "new" young grandchildren and she is a danger to children. Really. My friend's sister won't let her kids be alone with the mom. Hopefully the brother will figure that out before a f2f meeting. They live very far apart. Too far for a short visit (different countries in fact).
Like
Share
portlowski
She said she wants to warn him to keep his young daughters away from the mom because she is so dangerous to children. but she knows that right now he is in the blsuh of reunion, so happy to finally have found her.
What a tough dilemma! If your friend thinks that her mom's potential for being dangerous to her brother's daughters is very strong, my inclination, for the sake of protecting his daughters, is to send a letter that says something like, "I'm pleased for you that you have met our mom and I look forward to meeting you one day. However, I just thought I'd let you know that my and my daughter's relationship with mom has been very strained for a number of years. I'm letting you know this since I wanted to minimise the possibility of confusion if you see strain between me and her. In the meantime, I wish you well in your meetings with mom."
The reason I emphasize this is that I was imagining how the brother might feel if your friend's mom did inflict damage on his daughters and then found later out that vital info was kept from him.
Like
Share
Port,
I think it all depends on the type and severity of the mental illness you speak of. Some mothers never could mother their raised children after relinquishment because the trauma was too severe and feelings of guilt, anger etc affected everything. Something to recognise anyway that the relinquishment triggered something that was already fragile in her and most never received any counselling whatsoever - rather they were brainwashed that they were less than and bad.
Your friend would benefit from reading The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.
I would lean towards acknowledgement that Ripples and Brandy speak of in terms of her relationship being strained but is open to working towards getting to know her sibling over time...
I would also gently remind your friend that she is probably open to meeting new people and getting to know them so to look at it like that.
Secrets and lies always come out and too many stories like this have happened and it hurts everyone. Also remind your friend that she is the oldest raised child and that will never change, she just has the chance to expand her family.
Take care and hope you are doing okay and please don't allow this to be added stress on you.
Dickons
Like
Share
I think the best advice you can give your friend is to look honestly at her mother's flaws and decide how and when it is wise and healthy for her to engage. Getting embroiled in this situation or reacting to her mentally ill mother's comments is not going to seem like a rational choice if she takes the time to look at this from all sides. Try to help her to give herself permission to set boundaries and also try to help her learn to love her mother despite her flaws. When she can truly accept her mother's shortcomings she will be most able to have the most peaceful loving relationship possible because she will stop hoping that her mother is going to wake up one day and be a different person.
Like
Share
Advertisements
Thanks to you all for your valuable advice.
I am withholding some important information about my friend's situation because it is not my story and I want to make sure that the information remains general enough that nobody will recognize this situation..know what I mean?
Suffice it to say, there was a cycle of abuse in this family that ran very deep and my friend's generation is breaking it. But her mother was severly damaged by this abuse as well.
It makes sense that the experience of relinquishing her child and then keeping it a secret for all these years had a deep impact on her parenting. That is the part I think my friend needs to realize. but right now she is so shocked, blindsided and reeling with anger form the way her mother has handles the reunion so far that she is unable to have much compassion for her mom. My friend is seeing a therpist and I hope that will help her.
I already suggetsed "The Girls Who Went Away" and I am thinking I should just give it to her because I think it would be helpful. but right now my friend doesn't seem to want to seek out any infomation that will let her mom "off the hook" for her issues. I don't see it that way...but my friend does.
One thing is clear...the damage of geenrations of abuse, secrets and lies is devastating. Despite it, my freind is one of the brightest, kindest, most decent people I have ever met. I really want her to be able to work through all this so she can finally have the happiness she deserves.
Thanks again.
Like
Share
I would encourage your friend to try and develop a healthy trust based relationship with her brother and then when it feels appropriate bring up how he may need to be careful of boundaries with their mother. If your friend says things too quickly than the brother might alienate or go straight to mom. However, if they have a healthy relationship and mom is a mental case I'm guessing there is a good chance the brother might have some character probbing questions on his own.
Personally, I would want to know and be trying to figure out who the mentally stable people in the family are, but it is easy to want to see the best in people even when things don't add up, especially if they are your mom.
Like
Share
mymotherssacrifice
I would encourage your friend to try and develop a healthy trust based relationship with her brother and then when it feels appropriate bring up how he may need to be careful of boundaries with their mother. If your friend says things too quickly than the brother might alienate or go straight to mom. However, if they have a healthy relationship and mom is a mental case I'm guessing there is a good chance the brother might have some character probbing questions on his own."
I think this is a good idea. When I reunited with Bdad, red flags were popping up everywhere. People and family he first introduced me to were telling me what a fabulous guy he was ect. In the first six monts, his stories were starting to get mixed up, the lies were coming out one by one. The signs were there, but I was not comfortable enough with anyone who truly knew him to ask them. As I look back, one uncle was, gently, trying to tell me things might not be what they seemed. Because of the newness of the relationship, he didn't want to just come out and say, and I didn't feel comfortable just coming out and asking. It was about a year into reunion, and during a call to me, which found me very upset with my Bdad over something, when my uncle finally just told me my Bdad had a few issues.
"Personally, I would want to know and be trying to figure out who the mentally stable people in the family are, but it is easy to want to see the best in people even when things don't add up, especially if they are your mom.
This is exactly what happened. You are so right. It would have been hard to accept, had someone just come out in the beginning and told me everything. I don't know that I would have believed them anyway, although, sometimes, I wish they had. Also, my Bdad made sure that the first people I met, and had contact with, were the ones, who would not be quite so upfront. This uncle and his family were the last ones I met. It's interesting now, that the ones my Bdad told me would be the most accepting of me, were far from it, and the ones, who he said wouldn't be quite so open, were. Those he said wouldn't be so easy to get to know, are now the only ones I still have contact and any relationship with. Go figure?
The only thing I can say is tread carefully, but let him know you are there. I appreciate the little, subtle, and very tactful, tips my uncle tried to give me when we talked about my Bdad. Good luck. This is so difficult . I hope something in my story helps some.
Like
Share
mymotherssacrifice
I would encourage your friend to try and develop a healthy trust based relationship with her brother and then when it feels appropriate bring up how he may need to be careful of boundaries with their mother. If your friend says things too quickly than the brother might alienate or go straight to mom. However, if they have a healthy relationship and mom is a mental case I'm guessing there is a good chance the brother might have some character probbing questions on his own.
Personally, I would want to know and be trying to figure out who the mentally stable people in the family are, but it is easy to want to see the best in people even when things don't add up, especially if they are your mom.
Mymotherssacrifice, what you've said makes a lot of sense.
I think the key question in terms of managing risk, vis a vis Portolowski's friend's brother's child is: how soon and imminent is the possibility of the bmom abusing/damaging the child?
IMHO child protection should be of top priority. It'd be really sad if, while the brother was trying to build a relationship with his bmom, his child ended up getting seriously damaged. Therefore I'd recommend that if the risk of damage is high, the brother be alerted, even very subtley - the friend doesn't have to divulge everything. How would your friend feel if later asked by the brother or the brother's child: why didn't you tell us earlier BEFORE the abuse took place? Why did you hide such vital information from us?
It all comes down to assessing the severity of the risk and its impact, its likelihood, and then having the courage to take appropriate steps for risk mitigation. If the severity and likelihood are low, then no problem. But if they are very high, then I'd say your friend may not have the luxury of waiting until she builds a trusting relationship with the brother. She may have some tough dilemmas to weigh through: eg. adult diplomacy or child protection. To provide an illustrative example of extreme contrasts in risk: is the b-mom a serial pedophile or just an annoying relative like Aunt Selma in the Simpsons?
Like
Share
Advertisements
Thanks again for all your wsie and valuable advice.
Ripples, I think your questions about the mom's issues are valid. I am unable to answer them here because I am "the friend" and it is not my story to share so I want to keep things as general as possible.
I'm passing on all of this advice to my friend and she really appreciates the wisdom of your words.
Like
Share