Second Meeting

I had my second meeting w/my bson Friday afternoon. He came and we talked about a lot of things, but we also talked about the adoption. When I told him I was researching this he was very interested in what I found out. I told him that he wouldn't have access to info til he was 21, unless we submit a form to release info, which we did and I told him that. My feelings got the best of me and I almost started to cry, he asked me why it was a closed adoption. I don't have tht answer, I do not have memory of this horrible thing. I did tell him what I did know, and explained that issues involving my mom and her not liking his real dad at the time may have had a lot to do with it. I told him I have gaps in what happened, no memory of talking about this with anyone, how it came about, or why. I have no memory of going to the hospital, don't even know how i got there, but I do remember a nurse placing him on my chest for about 2 minutes, then she rushed over and took him off of me. They took him out of the room and moved to another part of the hospital. I remember being in that room, but can't remember leaving the hospital. My husband told me about this to see if it helped, it didn't. I don't remember any of this. WHY WHY??? Next I am at home, feeling like I am in a daze, sorta like when you dream but not sure what really happened. I do remember calling the number I had for a counselor, called and called but no one would help me. I told them I needed to talk to someone, that I think I made a mistake. When I did get to talk to someone, they never came to my house like they were supposed to, she just said, its to late theres nothing you can do. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds with him and he is not gonna come back. He says he is not offended by being adopted, he has a good home and good Aparents. He says he doesn't show emotions, but I wonder what he really is feeling. Its been 4days, he usually calls my husband, but so far theres been no contact. Thats what makes me think I drove him off. I am so far okay with my feelings and emotions. I am sad and hurt, but I am also thankful for meeting him. If it werent for this site and my husband, I don't know what i would of done. Please if anyone out there can relate to this memory loss thing, please let me know. I think counseling is my best treatment, but still would appreciate some input. Thanks to everyone.