protective instinct

Sorry, if I offended you Nicole. You will notice I used inverted commas around the word which indicated that it wasn't really the right word but I couldn't think of the right word, perhaps I was using it a bit jokingly. Of course, I don't think of myself as an orphan. I have adopted parents I love very much. I think I was just addressing the post to those of us whose birthmothers died before we got to meet them. Actually, I think what I am trying to say is that because I never knew her, I don't feel I can feel "love" for her but when I hear about certain things that happened to her (eg losing twins at birth later in her life and abandoned by their father) and also the fact that she died so young, I feel protective towards her. Also, I know how you feel about you not feeling particularly connected; when all she was was a name, I felt like that too. Now I have seen lots of pictures and spoken to the family, I feel more connected. Again, Nicole, if I offended you I am sorry. PS: I do agree about not "talking up" our birthmothers. This is why I like hearing anecdotes about stuff she has done as it gives me more of an idea about her. Having said that, I have to admit that I assume all my "bad points" are inherited from my bfather LOL.

I have enclosed a quote from Wordquery.com "You can also use inverted commas to make a particular word or phrase stand out from the surrounding text, usually to draw attention to it or because the writer is using it in a self-conscious or sceptical way: words such as ‘toothbrush’ and ‘redcurrant’ ; in a more ‘family-friendly’ environment"

Right - I understand the reasons one would use quotations...I spent my college years studying English lit and practical writing - very useful in the 'real world' ha -BUT - didn't know if you identified with the term or not. So, thanks for clearing that up.

Hi Txrnr, thanks for your post. It sounds like things are going well in your reunion. Did you have much trouble finding your bmother? By the way, I don't think it is strange you are still protective of your bmum. You probably think it is strange that I am protective of someone who is no longer around and that I was never able to meet. Nicole28, hopefully one day you get to meet your birth family. It seems that it is much harder in the US to get access to your adoption details than it is Down Under (both parties usually are able to contact each other by age 18 (Aus), 20 (NZ), though I think the bmother has to go through a mediator). Like you, before I knew anything about my bmother but her name, I didn't feel particularly connected but once you see pictures and hear stories, then it all changes. I only made contact a few months ago so it is all rather new. Anyway, good luck to both of you.

I operate under the assumption that I will never be in contact with bio family, and if I am, I am doubtful that it would be my biological mother but rather an uncle, for example, or perhaps one of her children who finds out upon my biological mother's passing that she placed a child for adoption the 1980s. From the way things are worded on my non-ID, it seems like she went to great lengths to protect her anonymity - which I respect, yet resent at the same time. That's the way the cookie crumbles though!

Nicole 28, I'm sorry that that's how things lie and can understand you feeling a bit resentful. At least I have got to meet relatives and they have been very accepting (even though noone knew about me) as they loved their sister very much. By the way, I clicked on your twitter link and saw a question "is the term adoptee and orphan synonymous?", I am assuming that was asked by you. Even though I explained about the inverted commas etc, I'm not sure if you are aware that in fact I wasn't talking about ALL adoptees, I was only talking about those of us whose birthmothers died before we met them (which is why this thread is on this particular part of the forum). If my birthmother had been alive, I would NEVER have put that first line, even as a joke. I suppose I should really have put "Hello fellow adoptees whose birthmothers have died" because that is what I meant. You may think I am going on about this but I just wanted to make things clear. You really must have thought when you read the first post that I was some self-pitying fool LOL.

No - I do not think you pity yourself, and I understand why you used the word and that you were not making a blanket statement. I was generating discussion...and got an interesting reply from an adoptee who had a negative adoption experience and actually identified as an orphan. I totally get what you're saying - perhaps had I been paying more attention I could have deduced what you meant by 'orphans' since this is a forum for those who have lost a biological family member.

Re: NY laws re adoption records. I don't really understand the need for sealed records because surely if you are a birthmother or adoptee who doesn't want the other party contacting you, you can put a veto on the information. This is what happens here in Australia/NZ. In regards to your non-ID info, would that have been taken when your bmother was pregnant or after birth? It is possible that what she felt while she was pregnant may be different to what she felt giving after giving birth and also time may have changed things. I suspect though that you feel that if she really wanted to be in contact with you, she would have registered her name with the adoption information registry though perhaps she doesn't really know what she wants. Of course, having no idea what was on your non-ID, I am probably talking through my hat LOL. In my case, even though my information sheet said that my bmother had very mixed feelings about giving me up (she would have been interviewed at about 5 months into her pregnancy); because she doesn't seem to have ever told anyone about me, I have no idea how she really felt, she may well have forgotten I existed. Even though I would like to find my bfather, I think also finding someone who actually knew I existed would be just as good. Both seem highly unlikely. I know what you mean though about wanting to meet an uncle first as that relationship would be much easier to deal with (after all, you can have as many aunts/uncles as you like and have whatever relationship you wish with them; whereas with mothers and siblings, the relationship is more complex). Anyway good luck with the future and hope you have success in getting NY state to unseal their records.

While it may not be a fully protective instinct in my case, I certainly feel deep empathy and sorrow for what had happened to my b-mom. And yes, perhaps there's a part of me that wishes I could have protected her from her/our pain. I was amazed at how deeply sad I felt for her since a part of my brain still is in disbelief and says, "you didn't actually meet her, so how could you feel this way?". Nonetheless, of all the tragic things that had happened to my b-family, it was/is the knowledge of her misery that breaks my heart the most. Interestingly and gut-wrenchingly, when I had one of my most powerful hypnotherapy sessions, I envisaged my b-mother drowning at Australia's Byron Bay. And it was me who had tried desperately and unsuccessfully to revive her via mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while the lifeguards and onlookers watched helplessly. Talk about subconscious yearning to protect my b-mom! I can understand how some would feel protective towards their b-parents or a-parents. They are important people in our lives with whom we made a profound connection. And if you subscribe to the theory that psychicly the infant and b-mom are one during the early stages of the infant's development, then it makes even more sense that some adoptees feel protective of their b-moms. That protective instinct towards our b-moms may be intertwined with protective instinct towards oneself.

Hi Ripples I know exactly what you mean when you say "you didn't actually meet her, how can you feel this way", I think the exact same thing. Actually, having thought about it, I do wonder if I just feel protective towards my bmother because my uncle seems to have been very protective of her. This is why I want to find out a lot more about what she was like so I can have more of my own opinion about her. At the moment, I know a lot more about my bgrandmother than my bmother. It sounds like your hypnotherapy sessions have helped you a lot. Catherine

Absolutely! Powerful, exhausting, but very helpful.

Yes, very much so. By protecting my own mother, I protect myself. And it's led me to attempt to protect all mothers! Which also protects all children. Including me as a mother and a child. lol The orphan one is a tuff one, and gets used often in the adoption world. Many 'orphans' in orphanages have living parents. I think adoption erases (or is intended to erase) illigetimacy and orphan status. Becasue, by definition, [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orphan]Orphan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url] I was orphaned when my mother relinquished her rights, permanently. I lost both of my parents the day i was born, intentionally and supposedly forever. But am not an orphan today, by law, but was before I was adopted. Same as being illegitimate, I was, but not now, by law, see my amended BC, there is a father listed there to make me legit, and he has the same last name as my mother listed there. I have married parents, and am obviously not an orphan, now. I may have never stayed in an orphanage, but the foster care system is the 'new orphanage', and I did stay there. I've heard many adopted moms use the orphan term. "I adopted or rescued an orphan" then you read or talk further and it's an orphan that has living parents, as far as they know... I don't like the term lol or being refered to as an abandoned child, or a gift, or whatever, yuck.

Hi BethVA62. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I didn't really mean to start a discussion about adoptees = orphans, I was really only making a joking reference to those of us adoptees whose birthmothers died before we got to meet them (as we are in the "grieving the death of a birthfamily member" part of the forum) but realise I didn't really make myself clear. However, it has been interesting to hear from Nicole28, txrnr, ripples and yourself and if I had made myself clearer, I probably wouldn't have got any replies LOL.

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