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I'm in a new frame of mind recently. I'm more angry about all the people, nurses, doctors, caregivers, lawyers, government employees, and ultimately my a-parents for participating in the removal of me from my birth parents than I grieve the lose of growing up where I should have, with my birth parents. Any one else been here, or are still here?
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Thank goodness we have plenty of people out there to tell us that we are wrong in how we feel. I love being 42 and told by someone how wrong I am, or how it's not possible.What I don't get is that if my mother died at childbirth, people would have felt all sorts of sorry for me, and worried about how I'd adjust. They would have said no one could take my mother's place, but hopefully someone would step in, and be there for me. I hate having to explain how I have great aparents that I love. That I've had a great life. I don't think my trauma is different, or worse than anyone else who has suffered, and most have. In many cases, I'm thankful I have my burden, and not someone elses. I do hate that fact that I was adopted out. I don't hate being a part of the wonderful family and life that I've had. It's the unique gift of the adoptee. We're able to compartmentalize and keep our feelings nicely boxed up in the appropriate places.
txrnr
Thank goodness we have plenty of people out there to tell us that we are wrong in how we feel. I love being 42 and told by someone how wrong I am, or how it's not possible. What I don't get is that if my mother died at childbirth, people would have felt all sorts of sorry for me, and worried about how I'd adjust. They would have said no one could take my mother's place, but hopefully someone would step in, and be there for me. I hate having to explain how I have great aparents that I love. That I've had a great life. I don't think my trauma is different, or worse than anyone else who has suffered, and most have. In many cases, I'm thankful I have my burden, and not someone elses. I do hate that fact that I was adopted out. I don't hate being a part of the wonderful family and life that I've had. It's the unique gift of the adoptee. We're able to compartmentalize and keep our feelings nicely boxed up in the appropriate places.
Dickons
Bravo...
Compartmentalizing is the key to survival...the adoptee will aways ride the see/saw...it sure gets tiring after a while trying to provide analogies in the hopes that the newbies and those who resist the concept will have the penny drop...
Kind regards,
Dickons
snoopy87
peregrinerose,
It's true that we can't, individually, live twice - once as adopted and once not, in order to prove our point about our loss and our pain. However, what about our birthparents' loss? Do you find that to be valid? Many of our birthparents relinquished and then went on later to have children they kept, essentially living two experiences. Most acknowledge a deep loss over the child they relinquished and site the experience as having deeply affected the rest of their lives. Do you think this is accurate cause and effect?
I was raised in between my aparents two natural children and had my adoption hidden from me. I was raised to believe I was my aparents natural child. I felt different my entire childhood, so severely that I started having a suicidal feelings at age 8 that escalated until age 16 when I first met one of my bparents. All throughout my childhood, statements that would seem like nothing to other people, hurt and confused me. About my siblings my parents would say, "He is the spitting image of his dad, she sure does have her dad's eyes, his voice is just like his dad's, they act just alike..." And none of these comments were made about me, and when I would ask, "what did I get from dad? What about me is like him?" I would get the response, "Oh, you don't look anything like him, honey." And I didn't. I do look like my bparents. I wasn't good at the same sports as my a-siblings, I didn't dream the same dreams, I didn't have the same goals/desires/interests, I had different strengths and weaknesses. Yet, I found many of these commonalities when I was introduced to my b-siblings. I can think of 1,000 ways that my childhood felt different to me due to my being adopted, even though I didn't even know that I was adopted until my teens. I can't believe anyone could dismiss my loss or my pain or refuse to acknowledge that these things are the result of severed ties to my roots at my birth. That hurts.
I am thankful for all the adoption education that is available today. I am thankful for reunion. I am thankful that my life/my differences/who I am finally makes sense!
- Snoopy
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Dickons
Bravo...
Compartmentalizing is the key to survival...the adoptee will aways ride the see/saw...it sure gets tiring after a while trying to provide analogies in the hopes that the newbies and those who resist the concept will have the penny drop...
Kind regards,
Dickons
Bethv.."Now that I think about it, "adoption" tried to keep me and mine away from my mother and father, and our entire lost family forever - physically and emotionally.That was, and still is the hardest part for me to overcome."And, if I may be so bold as to add to that comment....We are reminded of that daily.As the OP, I hereby give permission to those leaving comments to have a great conversation, despite this thread having wandered a bit from my original post.:)I find myself getting stuck in a loop. Is my pain/greif because I was adopted? Are all my issues a consequence of being adopted? Or could it be be that some of my issues are a result of nurture, instead of nature? But then again, I wouldn't have had the 'nurture' I did if I wasn't adopted. So, I bounce back and forth trying to figure out which one is the 'source' of my unhappiness.
Mosel, Sometimes it helps to stop the questions and focus on the pain and look for ways to break the cycle, even if just for a day...create a list and time to do each thing on your list...sometimes just one days break makes it a lot better. Try it - you might like it. The other idea is the gym is a really good way to work off things that stress us out - or take that cute doggy for a walk - you know they love walks... Kind regards,Dickons
Dickons,I'm sorry, but I don't have enough money to go to a gym. And my dog is blind and losing motor control of his hind legs. The reason I'm in a questioning mode is because I made a big mistake earlier in my life, probably because I didn't understand what all was going on with my feelings. I should have been addressing my adoption issues back then. I could whine and about my childhood and how it interfered with my growing up normally, from an emotional perspective, but I try not to complain as much as possible. I just seek answers to whatever I perceive to be bothering me. To get answers, one must ask questions.
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Mosel, I am talking about the circling questions (adopted or nurture or nature) where any way you look at it the pain still exists and is real and valid and finding peace sometimes only exists between times of pain - how long the peace last depends on events in your life that trigger it. Some times breaking the cycle helps but I doubt very much that pain ever truly goes away, sometimes it will get less harsh, sometimes not, but finding ways to grow from it helps. For me it is the unknown and never to meet, talk or get to know either my mother or father that is painful to me now. But I will only allow that pain to be at the top of the list for short periods of time - just like the pain I have over my son who died...I create the rules of what is okay to me so that it does not take over. I don't know how to explain it any better except that if I find myself spiraling down I purposely create a plan to stop the intensivity of the feelings and if it fails I do it again. It is harder or easier depending on what triggered me and how long I have been down. Grief is never over - it is whether or not you can find a way to be at peace and grow from it that matters. From the death of my son I learned true empathy for others, I volunteer. From my major health issues I have learned patience and that life is a gift not to be wasted. See if you can find out how you are a better person and why after what you have gone through on your journey. I am so sorry your dog is in his senior years...that in itself is incredibly hard to deal with and is a trigger at least it is for me. Take care,Dickons
Dickons, I agree. The attachment to adoption is binding. It is always there to a major or lessor degree. For me, it is the shadow that never speaks. Somedays it is more evident than others.I have divided my adoption experiences into 2 parts. The adoption itself, and the secondary part related to the events occurring after the adoption. It is the secondary part that is the most overwhelming. It contained the triggers, flashbacks and the means to bring on the downward spiral.The adoption itself was a part of a dark, sordid, transaction. It was only mentioned briefly, once.It happened at 5 months.I have no ability to relate to b-parents because no link to them was provided.As a result, the adoption grief and loss comes from a wall that is a closed source. That wall is a part of the gaps in my head, but there's no link to open it to see what secrets it's holding. The feelings of grief, loss, hopelessness and despair were a part of the secondary portions. These deep feelings were eventually controlled by journaling and time.Like you, once the downward spiral starts, it is a little like knowing the Cinderella story. We know the story and it's ending and the same is true with those triggers that cause deep and sometimes unexplained downward feelings.If we allow those past experiences to pull us in, inevitably we will follow the story of the causes of the grief and loss and we will again feel the impact of the adoption experience. This loss we have already experienced 1000 times. Some things we can do, help, but in fact, there is no antidote.We are left to provide for ourselves a way to deal with those grief and loss concerns. The trial and error to get a foothold and gain control of the demons takes commitment and time. Control is also the best we can hope for. We will never have the freedom to escape or have a vacation from those early experiences. The adoption sentence for many of us will be lifelong. There will be no parole.Best regards.
Ditto to what Dickons and Drywall have said.
Mosel, so sorry to hear about your dog. Keep asking those questions. It was through asking those questions, feeling the anger, and then understanding it was o.k. to feel sad about the things in my life that, well, suck, that helped me learn and find what gets me through. Probably not an option for you, but for me, cleaning horse stalls was a great stress reducer. Something else that helped me change focus, for lack of a better way to put it, caring for animals...like volenteering at a humane society/animal rescue kind of thing...just something about animals I like better than people...kwim? Hnag in there. You have a right to be angry and a right to ask those questions. Let it out. Drywall is right about the journaling. It really helps too.
I agree with you guys
the pro/con list helped me
what you gained from each, what you lost from each
with every loss there is a gain, with every gain there is a loss.
There are so many paradoxes to make peace with for many of us. I guess you have to learn to love the paradox. what do I know.
It seems to be a never ending process sometimes.
Physical stuff helps me with the frustration and grief. I dig, I split wood, I go outside and wander and putter.
It usually helps when you manage to get something worth while done too lol
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I do keep a journal of sorts. Everytime I think of an idea, or question, I write it down. Then when there are two many scraps of paper around I enter them in to my journal on my computer. Occassionally I'll re-read something I wrote and think "Where the hell did you come up with that thought?" Happy Memorial weeked folks!
i did/do that too mosel
I still have a box of assorted papers and notebooks that I have never assembled as I intended to. maybe one day.
I like reading it now tho, it's funny sometimes, gut wrenching at others. But I can see how I have grown and overcome since then - I really like that part, really like it, a lot, a whole lot LOL