AParents pulling away HELP!!

What is your relationship like with your older son. Do you have contact with him as well? At 17 kids are horrendously busy. If you have direct contact with him maybe you can talk to him about it.

My contact with my 16 yr old B-Son is very limited, but I feel that is becuz the A-parents want it that way. They tell me that I can send him letters, snail mail, and I can call him, and email him (but the email address is only through the A-parents email address and they say they will forward the emails to him) I don't ever get responses back from him. When I call, he is never there to talk or "not available". The snail mail that I send, I don't know if they hide it and don't give it to him, becuz I never hear anything back from him. I have texted him on his cell phone, but he doesn't even respond to those. I wonder if he has been instructed NOT to. And when I have called his cell phone...he doesn't answer, so I end up leaving a message. He doesn't return my calls either. I wonder if he has been instructed not to call me back too. I know he is busy preparing for college since he is a Junior in HS now, but what abt the past 2 yrs? Can they not even take out one day out of the yr to spend with his B-Mom and his Half-Brother? Is he REEEEALLY THAT BUSY??? I find that very hard to believe. Where are their priorities??? And....what abt the past 16 yrs? Is asking to see him more than once a yr too much to ask...especially since they (we) all agreed on Open Adoption. I am beginning to think that they have changed their minds and don't like Open Adoption any more. I have done nothing but give them space, I have never given them any kind of reason to feel threatened by me. I have never over stepped my bounds. It has always been them that has had the upper hand in making ALL the decisions of when and where and how often we meet. Yet I ....I am the one that always has to initiate the meeting. WHY?? Why do I have to be the one to initiate the meetings for 16 yrs? & now they are pulling away even further and I haven't seen him in over 2 yrs. Should I continue to call him on his cell phone and text him on his cell phone just so he knows that I am here for him if he ever needs me? Whether he reponds or not I guess should be irrelevant??? (it doesn't feel irrelevant) But atleast, maybe when he turns 18 and is in college, he can make his own decisions as to whether he contacts me & his half-brother or not.

So sorry that you are nto able to contact him, could it be that your son is th eone who doesnot want to be contacted? I know my 5 year old does not want to talk to her Bm or even talk about her. Some kids feel that way. I am sure he will reach out when he is ready.

I wonder too if it's your son. I try hard to get my newly placed daughter to keep in touch with her foster mom of two years, but my daughter is the one pulling away. I don't want to hurt the FM, so I try to call her when daugher is not around just to give her an update, but I can tell she is hurt. She may think I'm trying to keep her away, but she doesn't hear me say "Call FM." I send pictures, etc. and because she is only 8, I make her call every two weeks...it's not the same. Kids your son's age, are going through finding their identity...it could be all him. You may just have to give them some time. I'm sorry. I know you are frustrated and sad.

Maybe it is a bit of my son, but that doesn't explain why the A-Parents don't contact me...and why they have chosen to be so evasive in their 2 -3 emails a year to me. Their emails to me are "literally" about 4-5 sentences long and they have absolutely no detail whatsoever. The information is so general, she always tells how busy they are but doesn't tell me what they are doing. They seem to want to keep everything so secretive. I just don't understand why they chose Open Adoption. I am afraid that when he does go to college that I won't know where he is attending and I won't be able to contact him, becuz they are so secretive.

I don't know if this would help the matter, but do you think if you asked them (nicely) point blank for more detail, they would provide it? Or if you came out and said that it feels to you like they are pulling away, and asked if is there anything that is upsetting them, or your son, would they tell you? I am more of a direct communication person, and I really cannot stand when people play games and leave me hanging. This situation would drive me crazy! But seeing that they haven't shut the door completely, I would try to express my concerns to them, without being demanding or accusatory. I also agree with some of the other posters, that at 17 your son might not be interested in contact. Perhaps your aparents are feeling caught in the middle, between respecting your son's wishes (if that is, indeed, what his wishes are) and still wanting to maintain some contact with you. I do know that boys at that age tend to be less communicative and wanting to be involved in reunion than girls do. Most of the first moms I know who have girls and are in reunion, did so right when their daughter's turned 18. I don't know as many with sons who did, but I know there are exceptions to this, as well. Seeing as though your son is almost 18, I would assume that whatever agreement was made in OA would transfer to your son when he comes of age. It would then be up to him whether or not he wanted to maintain openness. And he may or may not want that. I had a semi-open with picutures and updates, but when my son came of age, it was then up to him to determine if he wanted to continue. I expressed to him that I would like to, but also understood if he didn't wish to. It was hard for me to go from knowing I would get stuff regularly to not knowing and basically starting from scratch. I also wanted very much to continue communicating with his parents, but also realized that it might make him uncomfortable to have us having a "side relationship" so it was recommended to me that any communication to his parents should be sent to him to give to them. Hopefully, as we progress in reunion, things will feel more natural and we can all communicate more "normally." I would try to find out why there has been this pullback in communication and maybe think about writing a letter to my son expressing that you would like to continue communicating with him and developing a more open relationship, but also that you understand if this is something he is not ready for now, you will be open to it whenever he is. Give him some time to figure this out. It is not easy for him, either, I am sure. Did you place through an agency? If so, they may be able to offer some advice or maybe can act as an intermediary on your behalf to try to help get you some concrete answers. Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you will be able to re-establish the lines of communication.

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Perhaps you could start by helping out with the financial costs of raising "your" child. Perhaps you could offer to pay, or help pay, his college tuition. I don't see why the adoptive parents should have to be just a wallet. Many adoptive parents feel exploited by birth mothers.

It might be your son's wish that they not provide you with any additional information. Friends of mine are going through this right now. Their teen daughter does not want them to provide updates to her birthfamily right now, and they are respecting her wishes. It's very confusing for everyone. And no, a 17 year old's priorities are often NOT his parents OR birthparents. I would give him space. You've called, emailed, and snail mailed, with no response. Give some time, and try again. I remember being 17-- it was like pulling teeth when my mom tried to have conversations with me. FWIW, I think that seeing you twice a year for 14 years, sending more than 1 email/year and pictures is a generous open adoption. IMO (as an adoptive parent) they did follow through with the open adoption aspect. At some point, they do have to take their son's wishes into consideration regarding how open the adoption is.

Because they choose to take all the finance responsibilities when they adopted. I haven't read anything about his parents asking for money, to send him to collage. Why, its not like the first mom is asking for money. Also the first mom gave the most important gift, their child, so why would this adopted parent feel exploited?

I am sorry this has happened. I know this is hard to hear but you may have to wait until he is 18 and or out of the house to establish a relationship with him. I know this is hard on you and your younger son. I hope it all works out as your older son matures.