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My foster son's (8) birth father has been incarcerated for the past year for abusing several other children in the home. FS (soon to be AS) was having regular visits with his father up until the incarceration, which happened in a very sudden manner, with no chance to say good-bye. Now the father is probably going to be deported and I am being asked if I think FS should have a final visit (at the jail) with his father.
My FS has expressed a full range of emotions about his father and the loss of that relationship, from sadness and missing him, to anger and fear. He was not (as far as I know) directly abused by his father, but was definitely a witness to multiple incidents of domestic violence. Even so, he was very attached to his father and has some happy, loving memories of him as well. At one point visits in jail were considered, but DCF (and I) opposed it, partly because I didn't want to normalize incarceration for a male child who is already "at risk". But now, when the father will be leaving the country, I think it may be important for FS to see him, even if it will be painful, in order to have some closure and be able to say good-bye, if nothing else.
I will of course be consulting with his therapist and other knowledgeable parties before making any decision, but I would love to hear what others think about this situation. Have any of you been through something similar that might help me think this through?
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Have the visit, but ask the therapist to take your child, or at least, accompany you.
I would hope the jail would provide a room that was secure but not scary for this situation, and perhaps let the bfather wear "normal" clothes vs. an orange jumpsuit--hoping there will not be handcuffs or leg shackles!
You are very wise and kind to consider this for your child. Get a picture of bfather if you can, and if the visit is calm enough, a picture of them together. You son may value that greatly in years to come.
Thank you both for your replies sunshinemomma and RobinKay. My instincts say that letting him visit his father is the right way to go, I just know it will be tough for both of us. My son struggles with good-byes and transitions in general, even the everyday kind (for obvious reasons), but I know he may be more hurt later if he finds out he had the opportunity and we didn't allow it. So, if the therapist agrees, we will probably go ahead and arrange a visit.
I hope we will be able to arrange a child friendly setting at least, but I'm not sure how much control I will have over that. I have already requested pictures of both parents, as well as some baby pictures of my son (if there are any) because I know they may be important to him in the future. Taking a picture with his father is a great suggestion too. I will have to ask if that's a possibility.
In my experience jails will not make a visit any more comfortable even if it is a child. In my situation they were more concerned with the inmates reaction/emotions from a visit & planned the visit around his emotions & possible outburst. (visit thru glass, inmate handcuffed to a chair) Not to discourage a visit - it may be necessary just don't expect much from the jail - their focus is the inmate (as it should be, just stinks for the visitor)
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Dizzi - is it a state or federal facility? I brought my son to meet and visit his birth father at a federal prison in Illonois and actually it was quite nice. It was in a cafeteria type setting ... and there were all sorts of vending machines where we could buy snacks to share. We all sat around in a big room with many other inmates and their families. All in all it was very comfortable and worked fine. There were no visible weapons and noone was chained. The uniforms were taupe and pants with a button down shirt. Other than everyone matching, I am not sure that my son, if he was younger, would have even realized it wasnt normal clothing.
I just went a couple weeks ago to another facility to visit another one of my child's parents and it was behind glass adn through a phone. That would have been a very hard visit to bring a small child to. However, again, the guards were very pleasant and friendly and the clothing was matching but a lavender shade and not "scary" to a child.
Find out about the institution and call and ask to speak to the father's warden - I have found that they are often VERY pleasant to speak to and willing to make arrangements (within protocol) as necessary.
I think you should go ahead and have the visit since he may never see or speak to his father ever again. You do not want him later on being upset her never got to say "goodbye" and that would be awful for him to have that burden. Our daughters biomoms goodbye visit was in prison while she was incarcerated. We had a 2 hr visit and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...it allowed her to hug and kiss her mom (they were very close and had a very tight bond) and be able to say goodbye. I didn't want to look like I was preventing that and not allowing her to see her mom which she loved very much and still does. If you have concerns then ask the CW and therapist to sit with you during the visit. Our CW did sit there the entire visit with us which helped. It still was quite emotional for her but we felt it needed to be done. She amazingly handled it well!
Thanks again for all the helpful replies. The DCF lawyer has arranged for us to visit with my son's birth father at the courthouse on the day that our OA is being signed by both birth parents. The catch is that it will be happening in a few days, a lot quicker than I was expecting.
I was able to feel out my son about it all in a hypothetical way by asking him "If it was possible to visit one more time would you want to?" He said "Yes" right away, but added that he would not want to go to the jail. So, I know that I have to make it happen now because the next opportunity would have to be in jail.
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Well, we traveled to the courthouse for the visit along with several of my son's siblings and their foster families. After we had been there for several hours waiting to see their father we were told there was a problem and the federal authorities were not going to transport him to the courthouse. No one could give us a good reason why or why we weren't informed that it was not going to happen the day before! We stayed for almost the entire day while the lawyers and the judge tried to work it out but they were unable to. So disappointing and frustrating for all concerned.
These children have already been through so much. Did I mention that my son has been with me almost 5 years waiting for either reunification and then permanency? Another promise broken by a system that is supposed to be in place to protect them. Any wonder that children who have been involved in these situations have problems trusting the world?
The one good thing that came out of the day was that the OA has been signed by their birth mother and their birth father will be signing tomorrow. We all can finally move forward with adoption.
I don't know if there will be any more chances for the children to see their father now. The deportation seems to be moving along very fast. So sad for them all.
Just an update. My fs was finally able to see his father, and it all went surprisingly well. His father did a very good job, with some coaching from the AW, explaining things and giving my fs permission to move on and love his new family. It was sad, but I also think it was a very positive experience for my fs. He had not seen his father for over a year and I think it was a relief for him to see that he is okay.
I was not actually in the room, but I asked the AW to write down a description of what happened and what was said. I am saving this for my fs to read someday, in case his own memory of the day becomes fuzzy.
I am really glad that we did it.
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