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I am so frustrated. I have been looking for my bmom for almost 7 years on and off. I go through periods where I give it my all but get emotionally exhausted with all of the dead ends that I hit and end up giving up for a few months. The hardest thing for me was finding my brothers birth mother when I first started searching. I don't even really remember the details of how it happened, except that I crossed some serious lines when it came to my brothers adoption (not that I regret it, but I shouldn't have contacted her). I actually found her on this site while searching the name of the agency that my brother and I were adopted through (chosen children of Lake Worth, FL). She was so easy to find and I sent her a message and we emailed back and forth a few times and next thing I knew I had a picture in my inbox of my little brother sitting on my grandmothers couch when he was a few months old that my adoptive parents had sent her. My brother and I have always been very different and his adoption has never affected him the way that my adoption does me. It took him several years to express interest in communicating with her (she understood and did not try to force the issue - just asked that I give him the info when he asked for it). I can't believe he doesn't care that much. I want to shake him and scream "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO FOR THIS?!?!" but I just have to hold my tongue and understand we are different. She is married now and has a young son and as far as I know my brother has little contact with her (after 4 years or so he did ask for her e-mail and led me to believe they emailed a bit).
I would do anything for the opportunity to find my birthmother. I keep thinking, if his bmom was so easy to find maybe mine just doesn't want to be found. I know that this is entirely possible and I have always said I would rather know (even in the worst of circumstances) that never know. Maybe I am wrong. I have been reading many people's stories tonight. I have been overwhelmed with emotion by the positive and negative stories so many have shared. I always thought that I would want to know, even if she didn't want anything to do with me. Honestly, I do not know if I could handle it. :(
I do still want to know. It is just so frustrating to be going down this road dealing with this roller coaster of emotion that so many of you know... to think that it could just end that way. The agency that I was adopted through closed about 14 years ago and the non-identifying information was never passed to the appropriate agency. I have signed a contract with a company to search for me (a no find no fee company) but it has been over 6 months and I have heard nothing.
My mom is VERY supportive and tries to understand but just doesnt get it. I guess I just needed to vent and to hear from people who have experienced this emotional roller coaster too. For those of you who have not had the desired outcome... was it still worth it? Thank you for taking the time to read (I know, I rambled) and respond! :)
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Oh, I can so relate. I searched for my bmom for years & years. When I found her through an agency, she didn't want contact! I stopped my search for some years & then all of a sudden the time was "right". I found my bsiblings & have been reunited with them for 10 years. I believe all things happen when they are supposed to.
It is worth searching if only to find medical information & to have closure. I'm still searching for my bdad (even though I believe I have found him & he doesn't want contact) I know I will never stop searching until the day I die!
And it doesn't always mean that birthmoms don't want contact just because they are difficult to find. Some don't even know that it is possible to search because they were told that it could/would never happen! Believe it or not - some don't have a computer! (I didn't have one for a very long time!)
I hope that you find what you are looking for!
Snuffie
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Sometimes the search takes a long time. My natural son had been searching for me since 2004. The agency found me in 2009 I met him in April 2010. I just celebrated his 3rd year anniversay with him this month. I am glad he did not give up. We both were searching through Catholic charities the agency that put him up. Yet they could not give us information thqat we were both looking for each other( or gave us nothng but lies). He finally went through the Midwest adoption center and they found me.
I am finally having a blast getting to know him.We communicate every other week or weekly.
Keep going and I wish you the best. Don't give up remember each situaiton is different. My bson said his greatest was that I was dead or would not want to see him. I had been looking for him for years and I wanted to tell him how as an immigant, he was stolen from me. Most important I wanted to tell him that I was sorry and that he could ask me anything that he ever wanted to know.
My son and I reunited in April 2010. we had a great time and we continued communicating since then . This weekend I went to see him and his wife. I took his little brother and we had agreat time.
We talked again and he told me he felt bad calling me by my first name. He then asked me what do I want him to call me? I told him that the title was not important but the relationship was. His adoptive parents are getting a dviorce and he has not told them about me.He mentioned that he has a hard time calling me by my first name and I do too. I dislike the term birthmother. Does any one have a suggestions? it woudl be nice if he could just say mother.He said that dealing with his amother is hard you have to walk on egg shells.
the relationship is doing good and he said this was one of the most complicated relatiosbnhips he has ever had. We both laughed !
I met my natural brothers and sisters about 2-3 years ago...was great to begin with, finding out "who" I really was, who I looked like, but found we had nothing in common, and he got very possessive to the point of threatening me if I didnt give him the attention he wanted..so now I have completely locked him and them out of my life because it was causing me too much stress...dont know if my story is common or not...
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I am sorry to hear that you have nothing in common with your brothers. Was that really important to you to have common things? My children have a lot in common with their brother but they work hard at building a relationhsip. Maintaining a relationship after reunion is very hard especiall when people don't respect boundaries.
I am in reunion and so far God has been good to me. I am excited that I get to see my son again on the 16th of this month for two days. We have both worked hard at this relationship. Its hard to give him space but I am trying. I usually write a letter to him daily and not email it.
I hope maybe one day you and your brothers will work things out. It also depends on what is important to you.
How long ago did you meet him? I'm glad its working out for you, and they are all getting on with each other. I think it was important to have things in common and also personality is important and personally I found that after meeting him and getting to know him, I just didnt like who he was...I tried and it didnt work, I was bought up to have respect he has none lol. In the beginning when its all new its hard to keep the millions of emotions going on, in check but it does get easier. your son will tell his adoptive mum in his own time..:)
@ Miss37 I think personality is very important and it helped that we both have great personalities- too similar.. You can't change someone's character. If you did all you can and then you are better off alone. My children did not get along well from the start it took some time for my daughter and she is still not there yet. My birth son has an amazing personality and he is humble, kind and sensitive to all.My other son is duplicate of my birth son in personality and mannerism. If I met my birth son some where I would really like him as a person. Our personalities are very similar. We both understand that our relationship is complicated but we are working at it. It was easy to walk away in the beginning but we stayed the course. I guess I thought it was going to be easy for him to tell his adoptive mother. I got my letter notifying me that he was looking fo rme in Nov 19 2009. I met him in April 2010 and I was with him in his state October 2010. I get to see him in my state next Friday and I am thrilled. what type of relationship do you have with your birth mother? I am not sure why she gave you away but remember every adoption has a different story. Mine was nothing but lies to a point where I was supposedly dead You did all you can and as you know a relationship is a two way street and you did your part. I hope everything works for for you.
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I'm so sorry, Ziggy.
It's such a hard road to track down people, especially when it feels like they don't want to be found. But if it means a lot to you than never doubt yourself and your search and never give up. You never now when that random day might come that you'll get that email or lead and find someone.
I've been searching for years and even though I can find nearly anything on the internet, all I hit were dead ends after dead ends. It was incredibly frustrating. There are many free websites and registers for 'searching' and my parents weren't on a single one. My aunt finally contacted me and she hasn't spoken to her sister (my birth mother) for over two decades. Bmom remarried, no one knows her current surname now, moved away and has not had any contact. It feels like she really doesn't want to be contacted.
I recently reunited with my birth father and it's not going well, but even though there was no teary reunion (reunited through Facebook), no words of support from him or even a real sentient conversation yet it's nice to be able to see a picture of him now and see that he's still alive and let him know that I'm alive, even if that's where it ends.
Don't give up. I wish you all the best. :-)
It's hard to wait, and there really has to be luck in the timing. One of you might search and the other not-YET. Keep checking, or you might miss one another. Try putting all the info you do know on every free site, in whatever format the site uses. I used G's Adoption Registry and had results in 5 1/2 weeks, with free help from their search angels who are volunteers but very resourceful. Still, it was luck because within 18 months the ONLY site my son had posted on had folded. Worth it? Yes, to know he's ok and to see how much he resembles me and his father and MY dad. Hard? Yes, because like most guys he doesn't need us, and lives far away. Hard to think about everything we missed.
Things deffinatly happen when they are suposed too! I first made contact with my bmom 17 years ago. She was not very excited about it. Now through a series of fortunate events I am about to meet her and one of my bsisters. We are all meeting in Florida for the weekend. I am nervous, of course, but because of the way things have happened i feel like I am going to see 2 old friends!
It was definatly worth the time and effort!
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