Balancing Relationships

magz I grew up with two younger brothers, my adopted parents bio sons. I didn't have the problem with them viewing my reasons for adoption versus their adoption. But when I reunited and found half brothers, they felt a little bit threatened too. Hugs and reassurance is the only advice I know to give. We may not be blood related, but they will always be my brothers and I their big sister, and their children my neices and nephews, always. That can't be erased no matter who I meet. I did pay special attention to the time we share together now, and made it a point to go a little overboard with visits and sharing feelings and words. It helped. The thing that helped me explain it to them the most, how I felt about them, oddly enough was the video of christian the lion when he was released in the wild and then the men came back to see him. Those men, one in particular remind me of my brother, how I feel about my brother. And this reaction the loin had at seeing this man, is the same reaction I have when I see my adopted brothers. I'll look for the video on you tube lol but it makes me cry LOL

I do have a somewhat similar situation to yours in that I was adopted as an infant and my brother was adopted at 3 years old from another orphanage under very awful conditions. When I broke the news to him via email that I'd found my b-siblings I encountered a deafening silence for several weeks, after which he basically said he was happy for me but that searching had never been important for him. Meanwhile ALL my family and friends emailed me immediately with some sort of response to my news. I suspect that, like your brother, my reunion also stirred up in my brother difficult emotions that he didn't want to talk about. Without your brother opening up about how he feels, it's hard to say what he's feeling bad about. He could be feeling jealous about your happy reunion, he could be feeling insecure about your relationship with him, he could be feeling angry about his past - who knows? It could be that he's just someone who doesn't like talking about his feelings - and I've known a lot of guys, adopted or not, who find that hard to do. As for your feeling guilty that you've had a happy reunion and your brother is still struggling, it's common to feel guilt for all kinds of things. My main advice about guilt: explore your feelings, express them in a safe place. In other words, "feel the guilt and do it (eg. live your life) anyway". In the meantime, you've done all you can regarding your brother by reassuring him of your love for him.

Thanks for the replies! I really appreciate it. It's nice to see that there are others out there that are going through the same thing.... :) Magz

I have a brother who is my parents biological child. He's quite a bit older than I am, and we were only raised together for the first few years of my life (then he went to college), but I've always wondered how he felt. I've been in reunion for about 10 years, and he has been very uninvolved. Not for lack of interest, but he just...don't care? It sounds bad, but it has never bothrered me. I believe that he met him once when my birthfamily came to visit and the whole family gathered at my grandparents house, but frankly I can't remember if he was there or not. Recently, when I found my older half sister and had a nice relationship with her, I didnt tell my brother for months. Not because I didnt want him to know, but because it never came up! Finally my parents told him, just in conversation, and then I finally callled him to talk to him about it. He didnt care at all. He told me that he supported me and he was proud of me and that I should have a relationship with my sister if its what I want. Honestly? I think it could be *partially* a male thing. From what I understand they are less likely to want to search and are less likely to see it as a big deal. Of course not all men are like this, but could that be the case of your brother? Its hard to understand the adoption/reunion situation if you're not in it, and even harder sometimes if you too are adopted and just see a different point of view.

My adoptive brother met his bmother and bsister about 20 years ago and is still close to them; however to this day I haven't met his bmother/sister and don't ever expect to. I haven't even seen photos of them (though I would like to but haven't asked him). Personally, I am happy he has met his family but feel it is his own business. I know my asister feels this way as well about my abrother's family. I think my asister probably feels the same about my bfamily. My asister has no interest in meeting her own bfamily. My asiblings and I do all love each other but I think we probably feel our bfamilies are our own business.

Honestly? I think it could be *partially* a male thing. From what I understand they are less likely to want to search and are less likely to see it as a big deal That makes sense.. I think it could be partially a male thing. I've talked about my feelings with my mom some and she says the same thing...it is harder for males to deal with the whole issue of being adopted and they are less likely/interested in searching. My brother and I are very close though; its just hard for him to open up sometimes.. I know I'm blessed to have him in my life as a brother and for us to have been chosen by the same parents to be siblings. That's family :) And I do reassure him and spend quality time with him. Thanks for the replies... :) I appreciate it...