Told the wrong way

First of all - From one adoptee to another, it's not always easy to have a really solid relationship with your adoptive parents. For me, there has always been a little bit of a barrier between us, and while I don't know why it's there or what's really preventing me from completely opening up - it's just how it is. So, go easy on yourself when it comes to your relationship with your parents. You have a right to feel the way you do. I have a big problem with adoptive parents who choose to withhold information about their child's adoption, or in your case, be a little "shady" about it. Maybe they did tell you when you were really little, but if that were the case, why not continue to have an open dialogue about it? Makes it seem like they're ashamed when they try to keep it a secret. So yes, you're entitled to feel angry, resentful, bitter, etc. BUT - you need to talk to your adoptive parents about it. If not for any other reason than to get it off of your chest and speak your piece, you know? You deserve to be heard. I would suggest sitting down with them and telling them how you feel - that you're unable to trust them because you feel that they kept your adoption a secret from you; that you're hurt and feeling depressed and like you need someone to talk to about everything. Tell them that they have no right to tell you that YOU are being hurtful when you try to bring up the subject of your adoption because YOU had a right to know all along that you were adopted & they made the wrong choice to keep that from you and to tell you the way they did. They may react in hurt, too, when you talk and tell you that you're this or that but you have the right to tell them how you feel. You're an adult; they should be able to have an adult conversation with you about this. I think most of all that you need to be heard and that they need to hear how you're feeling. You have the right, too, to communicate with your biological mother. Do I think that adoptees in reunion with biological family need to be respectful of their adoptive family in terms of how they interact with biological family? Yes, but in your case, things are a bit different because your adoptive family was not 100% forthcoming with you about your adoption. So, if you want to communicate with your biological mother, and find your biological father, you have to gently remind your parents that you have a right to do so. But, if you want to repair your relationship with your parents, I'd commit to that and tell them that it is something you want and then see what they think about it. Would they be willing to go to counseling as a family to talk through everything? Maybe there are things you don't yet know that prevented your parents from being open with you about your adoption. They may not understand where you're coming from either and a counselor can sometimes get to the bottom of things and provide more clarity for families who are struggling with something like this. I don't think your parents did not want you - it might just feel like that right now since there's a rift between you. I'm sure that your biological mother yearns for a relationship with you, too, but you have to consider that your parents do, after all, love you and have raised you [even if they made mistakes along the way] and I think that you should work on your relationship with them first - make that a priority [I'm trying to do that with my Mom right now...it's tough!] Your communication with biological mom, in this instance, should come second [that's just my opinion] because I think that family is so important and I think that, based on the tone of your post, you agree and want to find a way to break through this wall that's between you and your adoptive parents. I could be wrong, but I think that repairing your relationship with them is a good idea regardless. I'd look into counseling for yourself first and foremost. Someone who is objective and has experience working with young people who have gone through some seriously heavy stuff can probably help you to sort through your emotions and give you some tools to help you to better manage your feelings and relationships.

I can understand how difficult all this is for you. And your feelings of betrayal are normal and widely felt by many adoptees who were told later in life. It's hard enough going through all this post-adoption pain, let alone facing parents who accuse you of being hurtful. Unfortunately, your parents were provided with outdated advice about (not) telling you about adoption and now. Rather than trying to listen and empathize with you, they're basically accusing you of wrongdoing when really you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed and want to know the truth. IMHO, really they should've said something like, "We're really sorry that we didn't tell you sooner. We did things with the best of intentions. We thought that we were doing the right thing by you since we had been advised not to tell you. We now recognize that this was the wrong thing to do and see that you feel really hurt. We want to better understand how you feel and how we can rebuild trust as well as support you during this difficult time." I also agree with Nicole's advice, especially the bit about finding a family counsellor, even if it's just for you. You have a lot of very valid emotions churning through you - as I'm sure that your adoptive parents do too. Talking about adoption-related emotions is soooo darned difficult. I'm in my late 40's, have been to all kinds of counsellors and (luckily) had been raised by my a-mom to openly talk about my feelings. Even THEN it was still hard for me to initiate family counselling to discuss my adoption-related angst - but I'm glad I did. What I'd recommend you do is that you 1) do a bit of reading about adoption-related stuff (the articles on adoption.com are useful - another book that's quite popular and easy to read is "20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew") - this will help you get a clearer perspective about your emotions as well as provide a back-up if your a-parents say that your feelings are unreasonable. 2) find a way to safely express your feelings to your a-parents. Perhaps first write a letter if you get tongue-tied. Keep your sentences starting with "I feel" statements rather than starting with "you" statements since the latter sound accusing. I also find the, "When XXX happened/happens, I felt/feel..." style of sentence also useful." 3) acknowledge the fact that your a-parents are feeling hurt. Many adoptive parents have their own emotional issues too, and often may end up feeling/active defensive (which it appears that your parents are). You don't have to take responsibility for their hurt, just recognize that they're vulnerable human beings too - and the more that you can understand some of the emotional dynamics of adoptive parents, the better off you'll be. Remember that in any emotionally-charged situation, both parties often want to be heard and acknowledged. So hopefully your discussion with your a-parents will end up with both sides listening. An article that I found very useful is the one called, "Seven Core Issues in Adoption" by Silverstein et al. It clearly outlines 7 emotional issues that all three members of the adoption triangle - adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents - grapple with. In the meantime, I hope that you find empathy and support among the members here. Hugs,Ripples:grouphug:

Randihd...it is sometimes hard for adoptees to have a close relationship with a-parents.Adoption is a life long sentence regardless of when it occurred in our lives. Additionally it is a deep emotional experience that is always near...often like a shadow that doesn't speak. Some days it requires more from us than others.We are never able to "move on" and get over that experience. Whereas, people who have never been through a life threatening or other form of deep emotional experience have the freedom to remember intense situations, but then move on. For them, there is little attachment to that deep experience. Also, those experiences for them were not life long as in the case of adoption. People having never been touched by intense experiences will not understand why it is difficult for us to "get over it" and move on. Also they wont be able to understand our feelings because to them it was an event that happened when you were adopted. Once things settled down after the adoption there was a routine that developed and so for them there was some part of closure. The adoption ended and you belonged to them. Their thoughts and concerns for you are in the present and although they remember the adoption event, they dont seem to have a deep emotional attachment to those past events. All we have to share is our feelings. There will always be someone who wants to know parts of our story. "Why are you different?" "Why don't you look like your parents?"In sharing our story, some people will "get it" others won't. You can almost tell from the start if the people asking questions will understand. How can they, they have never been adopted.We need to be honest with ourselves so that we can recognize how we feel. If we are feeling sadness because of grief and loss, it's important that we recognize it.Those feelings that someone doesn't understand and that makes us an "outsider" shouldn't be scarey...its just something that is a part of us.I wish you the best.

Hey bud. Im writing as a guy who knows exactly the feeling you have at the moment, Im 23 and was told I was adopted when I was 13 or 14, the initial dredd and shock I felt at that time was unbelieveable, in a way I refused to accept it. I was told officially by my Birth mother and social services when I was 16 and to be honest, I haven't been the same since, It completely turned my life around and didn't do my sense of self security any good. Its far from the end of the world though, but I'd advise you maybe talk to some1, start writing or anything that deals with the feelings you have at the moment. I know my biggest issue is confidence and women, its like I choose not to relate to them and I've some inner dispute with Mammy! Best of luck : )

I am so sorry you have been dealing with this issue! I have certaily had those days when I have struggled to find my identity and to feel a conneciton to my parents who adopted me. You have gotten some great advice here - and I hope you are able to take some of it. One more piece I wanted to add - that you also realize that for a parent who has adopted a child, it is a whole new world, full of conflicting information and judgement. My aopted mother's grandmother was shocked that my mom chose to adopt two children because she had all her parts working, and why not use them (I also have two siblings that are bio to my mom). I have a feeling that your parents who adopted you were doing the best they could, and were really trying to not mess you up. If you want to be angry at someone, you could start by the moron who told your parents not to make a big deal out of it. i would sit down and have a heart to heart with your folks - you might be surprised at what you learn. Good Luck!

I am so sorry you have been dealing with this issue! I have certaily had those days when I have struggled to find my identity and to feel a conneciton to my parents who adopted me. You have gotten some great advice here - and I hope you are able to take some of it. One more piece I wanted to add - that you also realize that for a parent who has adopted a child, it is a whole new world, full of conflicting information and judgement. My aopted mother's grandmother was shocked that my mom chose to adopt two children because she had all her parts working, and why not use them (I also have two siblings that are bio to my mom). I have a feeling that your parents who adopted you were doing the best they could, and were really trying to not mess you up. If you want to be angry at someone, you could start by the moron who told your parents not to make a big deal out of it. i would sit down and have a heart to heart with your folks - you might be surprised at what you learn. Good Luck!