Am I a birthmom?

Labels are just that... Labels. You are what you are.. a mother. ANd it seems at this point a mother who is parenting. It seems at some point it may be a mother who places her child for adoption, but the one thing that stood out to me in your post was how you couldn't be a GOOD single mother. Do you believe that ? do you have the means to support her? love her? If so don't let anyone tell you that you can't be a good mother. Base your decision on what your heart says and not what some worker that has NEVER been in your EXACT circumstances thinks.

You are a mother. A mother who did everything in your power to do what you felt was right for your child, and when plans changed, you stepped up and loved and cared for your child. That is what a mother does. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I guess :) ), everyone has free agency. Even if adoption was the "right" choice for your daughter at the time, others with free agency chose differently. We can't make others choose what we believe is right. And their choices affect our lives. Sometimes in huge ways, sometimes forever. The atonement IS designed to take away the hurt. It does not erase the hurtful things you have experienced and felt. But it will give you strength and peace and wisdom, so you can enjoy your life, enjoy your daughter, it really is designed to take away the pain. If you feel like you can never be a good mother for your child, you need to find a way to rethink! I know that sounds simplistic, but it will negatively impact your ability to parent her, and your ability to enjoy your life and relationship with her. I think counseling is a great idea. It sounds like you do need grief counseling. you are dealing with loss. Loss of how you planned things to be. You are likely dealing with issues and feelings about placing (two attempts) and how that could affect your feelings about yourself and your relationship with your daughter. You may or may not be the best mother in the world. I'm sure not. But you are the only mother that little girl has. You are her mother. And you have what it takes to be a great mother. On days when I felt like I was a crappy mom, like I wanted my kids to have a better mom than me, it helped to think that that may be entirely true. They may deserve better. But they've got me. So I'd better buck up and be the mom I want my kids to have. You are a full-fledged REAL mom. Not a sub-mom. Not a second-rate mom. You are her mom. Get what support or counseling you need so you can fully embrace and enjoy that, and can be the mom you want to be. Hugs to you!

The Lds helper said those cruel,negative words to you? Amazing and very sad ;~(( I am so sorry you were beat down emotionally like that and not uplifted in support and love by those you counted on for spiritual support;~(

I agree! How awful to go through that!!!!As an adoptive parent I have backed away from a scenario where I felt the bmom was being coerced, or was placing out of fear. Especially when I feel they could do the job, and want to do the job.It is NOT a sin to be a single parent. Pay attention to the wording of the letter. Single parents are encouraged to explore adoption, which you did. "When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely, unwed parents should be encouraged to place the child for adoption, preferably through LDS [Family] Services"What you don't see next is the context in which it is given. This was said because bishops and stake presidents were telling pregnant women that being a parent was the punishment for messing around, and that in order to be forgiven, they must pay the penalty of their choices by raising the child. Adoption was seen as an "easy out" and a way to escape responsibility. So The 1st Presidency was telling leaders to knock it off, and start reccomending adoption. Which they did, nowhere does it address the single parent and give YOU specific instruction or advice. And, it sounds like you are very lucky that the father wants to be involved in his child's life. When you plan to concieve and then cannot, and choose adoption instead, you're counselled to grieve the plan that you had. It is a real loss, when a dream dies. You are simply experiencing that in a sort of reverse. But you have all the issues of new-mommyhood accompanying it. I would work out a support/custody/parenting plan with your baby's daddy. And please don't think that by NOT placing for adoption, you are going against a prophet. It simply isn't true and the people who have coerced you should be ashamed of themselves. IMHO, the only reason for placing a baby for adoption is if neither parent wants to be a parent.Single dads, make great parents. If you still don't want to raise this baby, the dad should be given the chance. But, what's truly best is if you're both able to do it.

As I have read over the various replies to my post, I have been touched by you all. Aspenhall, thank you for telling me the history on adoption and what the 1st Presidency was doing it for. So many emotions run through me and at times I feel overwhelmed. The biological father isn't able to parent because he has a mental health condition and is using prescription drugs that impair his judgement. I have been able to get married and my husband is wanting to adopt her. The feelings I suffer from are post-traumatic from actually signing the adoption papers. I don't know why, but that is the breaking point that I experience emotionally. I review what happened in my head. i.e. i was holding my baby in the hospital bed and the lawyer was sitting across from me, and she read me the entire page and that what I was doing etc. Then, she came to my side handed me the pen and I signed. :(...That's what stays with me. That is what I want to forget. I spoke with the Bishop yesterday and I am making plans to get counseling with an LDS therapist. I'm trying to look at myself as a good parent, but it is true about what the LDS helper told me. And it is sad what she said. She was the stake pres wife and she is a nice lady. I am sure what she said was true in her mind and what she saw on paper regarding statistics. But the advice as stayed with me. Maybe I think of it as a self- punishment for what happened. I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and feel that I am a good mother, but dang. It's very difficult for me to feel like a good mother. Even now after I am married, it's still difficult. The agency from others stopped me from my plans in life. I'm going to look at it as a blessing. That's the hard part for me to see it as. A blessing. Because it was something that was against what the prophet said. So there is a lot of confusion on that. I am trying to see myself as the best mother for her. Difficult to do, but I will still try. I'll make it my new mantra. Any other information is helpful. Please expound on the atonement and how it's supposed to take away my pain. I want to get rid of this terrible ache. Thanks again everyone.

The prophet said to encourage adoption as an option to be considered. It was encouraged. It didn't work out. Sometimes it's hard to remember that the JOURNEY and not the OUTCOME, is the purpose. PTSD is real. It has a very large foothold in the adoption world. As far as the atonement goes, it was meant to pay for sins, and give us an advocate. Pain is a large part of our earthly experience. However, it shouldn't be bad enough that it disrupts our lives. When I saw a therapist after I adopted my daughter and went through significant anxiety/panic attacks, I was told something that helped immensely and fairly quickly. There is a recipe to change how you FEEL. You need to make your Thoughts, Words, and Deeds match how you want to FEEL. THINK+SAY+DO=FEEL I wrote a "script" of comments and did my best to repeat them hourly. I also tried very hard to correct any self defeating or negative thoughts. Then I scheduled premeditated interactions with my daughter. Bonding things that I didn't naturally feel inclined to do (because of my anxiety). Almost instantly the attacks stopped. After several days the depression started to lift. After a few weeks, I started to feel what I wanted to feel. It's been a few years now and although I have bad days occasionally, it doesn't interfere with my ability to be a mom. And finally....just because someone's family situation may not be IDEAL, doesn't mean it won't be good enough. Another bit of info that may illuminate your struggles better, in order to place your daughter for adoption, you must have had to detach yourself at least in some small part. Now you need to reattach and that's tricky. Your therapy should focus on your ability to re-attach to your daughter. Some quick tricks to start: Play food games that require loads of eye contact. Also, Skin to skin contact, like swimming or bathing. Give her a bottle while rocking her. Write down her accomplishments or milestones where you can see it. Another thing to be awre of that may be happening, is that removing her from you, then the adoptive parents, likely caused some slight grief for your daughter. She may not be responding "naturally" to things which means you aren't getting the "parent payoff" that occurs in most cases. Without this feedback from your child it will be nearly impossible to feel "warm fuzzies" that come from parenting. And without the warm fuzzies, the job becomes very difficult. Especially if you are having trouble identifying with your daughter really belonging to you. Congratulations on your marriage!!!! Remember that you've been through 4 major life stressors (birth, relinquishment, getting daughter back, marriage) in the past year, cut yourself some slack! *hugs* EDITED TO ADD: Look into something called the Emotional Freedom Technique. It disassociates immediate feelings from past experiences, meaning you'll still remember, but it won't be traumatizing when you do.

((((Madredeava)))) Single mothers adopt all the time.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. She was planning on adopting out and the BF stopped it. So she was left to raise her daughter on her own. She's an amazing mother but has had her own tough times. I know her and her daughter are extremely close.

Sounds like some wonderful advice and thoughts here... May I also recommend reading "The Peacegiver" and "The Miracle of Forgiveness"? They are both wonderful books that explain how the Atonement of Christ can work in our lives. You can find them at Deseret Book and I'm pretty sure The Miracle of Forgiveness is available through LDS Distribution. They both helped me with some of the grief and pain I experienced after my mom passed away. Different kind of pain, but still pain-- maybe they will help you also?