Having a hard time

These are not selfish thoughts. They are beautiful, painful, REAL thoughts of a mother who has lost her son. Even when adoption is the "right" choice - the best choice - that cannot erase the pain. It will hurt. It will rip your heart out. My heart goes out to you during this tough, heart-wrenching time. Yes, please seek counseling with someone familiar with grief and loss, particularly with adoption loss. It won't take away your pain and sadness, but it should help you live with it in a healthy way. Another thought - write all of this down. All of your love for him, the moments you shared with him, the bond you feel. I hope you get more responses soon from those who have been there. I have only lost my foster children - and even then, there was intense grief that took counseling. And sadness that is still there. And I know it cannot compare to what you are going through. HUGS to you.

No, these are absolutely NOT selfish thoughts. Please don't ever feel that your natural and normal maternal urges to love and cherish your son, and the longing for him to know your love and to reciprocate that love, are in any way selfish or abnormal. You are naturally grieving the loss of your son. Even when it is what we feel at the time is the "right" decision, even when we can have an ongoing relationship with our children, even when the adoptive parents are the best ever, it is still a tremendous loss and for you, it is so fresh. Keep in mind, you just gave birth! On top of grieving for your son, and feeling so much loss, your hormones are all over the place and are going to take time to settle. I remember similar feelings as to what you describe, in terms of planning for adoption during my whole pregnancy, and, while I didn't deliberately tell myself I would not get attached, I certainly did not realize how bonded I truly was to my child during that time. I planned for adoption and that was that. After I had him, the floodgates opened and all these unexpected feelings came forth (the ones that NO ONE, not the agency, not your friends, not your family or anyone else, can adequately explain to you) and I was so confused, just as you are describing now. I think what complicates things is, when it is a voluntary loss, as it was in my situation, (and from what it sounds like, this is your situation as well), we, and others, expect that it will be easier somehow. It is not. It is still a tremendous loss, even if it is what we feel is best. Are you questioning your decision at this time? Have you signed papers yet? I found that for me, counseling helped tremendously, as did getting pictures and updates of my son from his family. Fully open adoptions were not available to me at the time I placed. I was also able to send letters to my son and his family, and I can tell you he does know my feelings for him as I have expressed them over the years. I encourage you to write a journal to your son, so he will have in your own words, your thoughts and feelings. And as you develop your relationship with him in your OA, my guess is you will feel love from your son, too, but I understand how hard it is to lose the relationship as it would have been had you parented your son. It is truly a tremendous loss. I hope some of the other moms who placed children in OAs will chime in soon. Try to be kind to yourself right now and get as much support as you can. :love:

I was thinking of you and wonder how you are doing.

I placed my daughter in nov of '98. It was an open adoption, and I have been distant but in contact, her whole life. I am happily married, with 4 kids. Her parents are wonderful people. She has a big extended family. It still hurts. Please, get counseling. It was never available for me, but it really would have helped to talk to someone who understood. But you are NOT selfish for missing your son. There are ways to rationalize it all that will help you get through this. Had he passed away, or been kidnapped, or lost him some other way, everyone would tell you that grieving is natural and healthy. But your hormones, and your heart don't know the difference. In a very real way you lost your baby. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry. Just don't let it eat you up. Try to focus on how lucky you are to have your daughter, and look to the future. But give yourself the room to grieve.

I am doing much better, thank you for asking... It's been almost two weeks now that I haven't cried, which is a big accomplishment. I threw myself into scrapbooking and it has been like therapy.. I also recieved a dozen long stem red roses from his parents the other day.... It was so unexpected, but it lets me know how grateful they are to me. It helps me with theprocess because I know they won't cut me out or tell him bad things about me...

From an adoptee perspective, we don't forget. My adoption was closed and I didn't get to know my birth mom until I was 18 but I never stopped thinking about her. There wasn't a day that I didn't think about her and I loved her as much as my adoptive parents. You will always hold a special place in that child's heart.

Today is the 5 year anniversary of signing those papers and letting go of my little boy. I have 2 older girls that i am raising, I understand what your going through. Your wounds are still fresh and raw, but it gets a little easier with time. (((HUGS)))

I am a birthmom. I have to say that your feelings are not selfish in ANY way. I reunited about 7 years ago with my girl and have to say that many times over the 18 years that I did not see her, hold her, feel her, and be able to show her my love, I had those same feelings as well. We ALL have them. Just at different times I believe. I have to admit that for me, the beginning was the easiest. Partially due to the fact that I was a single mother at the time and she was my second child. And, second because I threw myself into school, work and life. I now know that I should have allowed myself the time to feel. But, we all do what we can to move forward. For years I didn't allow myself time to deal with the emotional aspects. I wish I had. I wish that I had allowed myself time to cry. I didn't have her in my arms after she was born. I didn't hold her until we reunited when she was 18. It wasn't until then that I really allowed myself to cry. So, give yourself the time to feel what you feel. They are honest to goodness feelings and emotions that you are entitled to. You have given a beautiful gift. You are not alone in this. There are many of us out there. There are also websites out their of birthmoms who have been through this.