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Hi. I purchased an at-home pregnancy test and it wasn't positive BUT my period is due (a couple days late I think) and I didn't use the test first thing in the morning.
Plus I am very spiritually sensitive, and intuition tells me there's a good chance I'm pregnant. I intend to check again in the next few days, in the meantime I am already freaking out.
For one thing I am old enough that I could keep the child. I just am not sure I want to. I just finished school and have been focused on a web-based business but have been living with my mother and wanted to move out. I am 27 and don't like that I stay with her.
I just don't know if I have the material resources to do it, and I'm not sure about the emotional ones either. My mother's relationship with me was kind of cold and aloof so I don't have a great role model for a warm, affectionate, loving relationship with a child.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Because I am so spiritual I would like to make the best choice for all involved. But usually I draw on intuition to get answers and because I am scared it is harder to get them.
I've asked the soul of the baby to make new plans. I just don't feel prepared for this at all... And the guy involved is not at all the type of person I want to be tied to in this way. I was ready to leave him out of my life.
I am trying to get clear on my options here... I do not feel grown-up enough for this even at 27. And I am scared I would not be a good mother. :( I am a very loving person but sometimes in person with people I have trouble being all warm and open (native oxytocin issue I think, see attachment theory).
I am also very sensitive to my environment, not sure I could handle screaming. I mean, I could, but I do better and provide better things with my business when my environment feels calm and peaceful. If I had the resources to get a nanny it would help.
I feel ridiculous. I feel like I used such poor judgment. I feel so unsure at the moment. This situation doesn't match how I tend to see myself. I am a bright, intelligent, caring person who understands possible consequences of my actions... so it's messed up that I may have messed up here.
I usually feel such a close connection to my divine family, my etheric supporters. Yet right now it is harder to feel that from them. It is usually more than faith, more like direct experience. But I'm feeling a little alone right now.
If you have any supportive words or ideas, I will really appreciate it. I am still hoping my period is coming this month and in case it isn't I'm reeling from this already.
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Thank you both for your response. I am just still trying to get used to the idea of this.
Actually the idea of keeping the child is starting to grow on me, (at this moment in time anyway) and I don't even have an official positive result yet. (I think I'm picking up on it bc I'm so sensitive to subtle changes.)
I am already feeling like Nature can help me produce the emotional resources (oxytocin for bonding)... now it's a matter of the financial ones.
I am keeping my options open and would want to pick what is best for the little one. I also don't know if I could go through the work of pregnancy and birth to give it away, to be honest. But I am not totally against that option and I realize I have some time.
Bought some folic acid today.
Was even thinking I might buy a cheap imitation wedding ring to address judgments if I choose to keep it. Man. My degree is in social work so it's all about helping people function better and here I went and did this. I feel like a hypocrite.
But I think I could be a better mother than I was fearing I would be. And I have a feeling all expectant women wonder whether they can live up to their expectations... and at some point they probably realize it's not possible to be a perfect parent, it's about doing your best.
I appreciate more than I can explain how much it helps to know someone is listening! And it is also helping me to know I have a safe place to go to get my thoughts down. Thank you so much!!
First of all, try not to stress out too much til you know for sure if you are pregnant. Focus on taking good care of yourself. That will help you no matter what the result. If you are prgnant, it will give the baby a good start (not drinking or smoking, taking a multivitamin with Folate to prevent birth defects, eating a balaced diet). If you aren't, it can't hurt to take care of yourself when you are under stress!
You sound like you are a good planner. If you are pregnant, you'll have 9 months to figure out what you want to do and how to do it. You can explore every option fully. Until then...breathe. Recognizing your own issues and possible limitations is the first step to conquering (or at least managing) them. I would recommend couseling no matter what the outcome of the pregnancy test. If you are pregnant, it will help you determine if you are able to parent. If not, it would still be helpful to address some of the attachment issues so you can have fulfilling relationships (perhaps even motherhood by choice) in the future.
All the best!
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