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The door was opened to my birthfamily after I prayed earnestly I would find them. No less than a month later Catholic Charities called me, and henceforth the journey of meeting birthfamily. It was first joyous, but then it just seemed to open a lot of powerful internal emotions I had no idea were latent within me. Alot of anger I didn't know was there, until the door had been opened. I talked to a few adoption therapists about it, one therapist, an adoptive mother who has worked with and studied adoptee issues for years, she calls it adoptee rage. She actually helped me feel normal with all the junk I was going through concerning my reunion. My emotions were spinning out of control. I ended up getting seriously hurt by my birthfather's side of the family when I tried to bring up my hurt and pain. They didn't want to hear it. Actually, me and my birthfather exchanged some quite blistering emails to one another. I had been told terrible things about him by my birthmother, which did not help in my reunion with him. It also didn't help his first email to me was signed "Dad". I'll be darned if that man was going to be called "Dad" in my life, he doesn't apparently know the first thing about being a "Dad" as he had gone on to father two more daughters that he really wasn't part of their lives, especially one because he had divorced her mother when she was very young. I am very close to my adoptive father, and he is my true Dad. I was really offended when he signed it like that and let him know I would not at any point refer to him as Dad. Well, he got miffed about that. It just ended up being a disaster on that side of the family and I ended up getting really hurt. I have two half sisters on that side of the family, and one just helped stir the pot more when I tried to make peace with everyone on that side. I was seriously hurt, but seriously angry, and had to quell that anger, or I would have liked to beat the stuffing out of her for being such a callous twit. That sounds terrible, but her callousness just really did a lot to me. She really hurt me with things she said and did and it all opened up old deep wounds.
My birthmother I hate to say, nice enough, but just too many emotional and other problems that she seems to like to saddle everyone around her with, and it just got to the point I really avoided talking to her. I don't want to get sucked into that kind of unhealthy behavior. I will be the first to say I have my own issues, but I wanted to find a birthmother, not a birthCHILD, and it was starting to be like I had taken on another child in my life, in addition to the three I have. The honeymoon period had ended, and then I just got really weary with her behaviors so I kept the phone conversations minimal. I have two half sisters on that side too. I get along with them just fine, but our contact is kind of minimal as well now because we live in states far away from one another.
All in all, I realized opening the door for me just stirred up way too many powerful emotions, and made me feel crazy. I wasn't coping well with it. I just had to resign myself to the fact that it was my lot in life and to move on through God's help. My adoptive parents were also uncomfortable and offended I met my birthfamily which also created another facet of problem for me. I feel I am better off just saying I met them and leave it at that. I'm not going to make any effort anymore, if someone from either side of birthfamily wants to reach out and show an extra interest in having a closer relationship with me, that would be fine, but it's not going that way, and I have accepted that. Anyone else out there had this kind of stuff happen? Where it seemingly started out great, but then just grinded to a halt?
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cajjj
I just seemed to be caught up in some never ending cycle of pain and anger, until the contact just stopped.
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shadow riderer
It makes me sad things didn't work out better. I do have the knowledge that I was looking for when all this began. I'm glad for that. I've considered the thought of what difference did it really make and was it worth it? The answer: it did matter and it was worth it, though I wouldn't want to go through all that emotional stuff again. I think I came out a better person, and have grown so much because of it. I have the answers I was seeking, at least, most of them. I managed to get through it without slamming the door on any future contact with anyone, ans somehow, it's o.k. if they never come knocking again, which is something I think I will always feel sad about. I still think knowing, even the ugly parts, is better than wondering forever.
I am over 10 years in to the reunion and I find myself closing the door but the minute I hear even the most mundane communication from my birth mother which is usually one of those pre-sent emails related to something she thinks I might be interested in I feel like "Lassie" waiting with her head on her paws for Timmy to come out. It's unreal. That's where the anger lies for me. I have my heart on my sleeve, vulnerable; begging at the table for crumbs. That's what it feels like.
murphymalone
I am over 10 years in to the reunion and I find myself closing the door but the minute I hear even the most mundane communication from my birth mother which is usually one of those pre-sent emails related to something she thinks I might be interested in I feel like "Lassie" waiting with her head on her paws for Timmy to come out. It's unreal. That's where the anger lies for me. I have my heart on my sleeve, vulnerable; begging at the table for crumbs. That's what it feels like.
I know we all went into this reunion with NO comprehension of what it was about. Just a la te da te da, another day in the life. Then it was a big, "WHAT THE HECK?" In all the internet searches, going through the book stores looking for help on what was going on, and counseling, I personally was headed in the entire wrong direction. I knew my husband had signed over his parental rights and I knew his daughter had been adopted by her stepdad but I thought that was all incidental to what was going on. I had no idea IT WAS what was going on. I just happened to Google whatever it was I was feeling on a particular day and it was the right combination of words to bring this site up. It was like, "Whoa, baby! I just hit the mother lode!" My husband, my family, my husband's extended family, and my husband's daughter have not been interested in exploring what's happening. Not wise at all. I just keep spoon feeding them. "Guess what I learned today! Did you know that this is common or that is common? Oh, hey, by the way, I'm not a total nut case and good news, neither are you!" :)
I read through this thread and can see some commonality. I know my husband's family keep no contact with his daughter other than occasional Facebook posts. They don't with any of the other kids either. They are a very close family but they do it through activities and dinners and trips. From her perspective, not knowing that and not living close, it could feel like they aren't reaching out to her. From theirs, they are just treating her like everyone else. Whoever shows up, shows up.
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It's quite true that members of the intact family often go about their business not being aware of the impact on the person who is vulnerable. Either that or they are aware and think the person is "unbalanced" because they are hyper sensitive to remarks or in some child like way trying to get the acceptance or test the situation.
My immediate family that I have chosen or created are indeed very protective of me. My daughter is aware of the nuances and my vulnerability. Her father, my best friend and the person who has been there at my worst knows; but is helpless to lessen the pain. Believe me I understand we can't expect our partners in the here and now to give us what we didn't get. It takes a lot of open dialogue when you realize the effect to insure that you aren't projecting old wounds on a current situation.
It comes and goes. I hope that enough people who are adopted have the courage to speak out so that in the future there will be a clearer delineation of the path. People who are adopted are often alone in their search and while there is some awareness there are huge voids.
There are people like you who are not responsible for what the people who are directly responsible for; who take the time to examine what is unfolding. Thank God for that. This isn't a chess game or a hand of cards. The stakes are very high. There is a symbiotic relationship to every move.
The void is dangerous. If people aren't sensitive and go thrashing around in their own reactions without any empathy to the fact that their silence or their remarks are impacting someone who is extremely vulnerable or shut down the results can be catastrophic.
Trained counsellors help, social service people engaged in the marketing of babies and that's what I call it are often self invested and lack awareness except to cover their arses. They are interested mainly in substantiating their employment and have little or no idea about the emotional component.
If people aren't geared to being sensitive in these situations the outcome is a mess. It's like a no man's land. There aren't may signs along the way to tell you the whole thing is about to go off the cliff.
There are many red herrings that come up because people are afraid to be honest so the immediate group ie the adopted child, the birth parents offer up things that are safe to test the waters. Some birth parents feel the whole thing is showing them up to be lacking and avoid any engagement. Some are so on the defensive they are like a stone wall. Some are in denial about the impact and minimize things.
It takes great courage, tenacity and a sense of who you are with humility to delve into this. Not everyone is so equipped. Frustrations abound. I am sometimes completely ashamed about how this affects me. I feel so embarrassed to be as sensitive to things I rationally know should not be weighted with the significance I place on them. It takes time and patience and life still goes on with all of it's toll on us.
But in the end I believe for those who are searching it's worth the effort. So I keep plugging along.
moonbeam_1
Totally get this! Yes, yes, I feel like this too.
Last night at dinner my husband said, "Sometime you need to let go and be done with this." (He is VERY caring and has helped me so much, it's just as hard on his heart to see me so sad.) I told him that I know in my mind that I have to let go, but that my heart can't and that he probably can't ever understand that.
A lot of things that made me "me" I now realize are related to not having my bdad in my life - not that it would have worked for him to be in my life when I was younger - but the secrets and lies that I grew up with really did a number on my self-confidence.
I'm working on being a better person though and have come out of all of this a better person - emotionally drained, but a better person!
I totally get what you are saying!! ((Hugs))
murphymalone
There are people like you who are not responsible for what the people who are directly responsible for; who take the time to examine what is unfolding. Thank God for that. This isn't a chess game or a hand of cards. The stakes are very high. There is a symbiotic relationship to every move.
The void is dangerous. If people aren't sensitive and go thrashing around in their own reactions without any empathy to the fact that their silence or their remarks are impacting someone who is extremely vulnerable or shut down the results can be catastrophic.
Despite all of the trauma post and pre union I realize that having gone through all of it; it has made me much more compassionate and sensitive to the nuances human beings have in their relationships.Having said that if I had a magic wand to wave to set the clock back and change all that has unfolded to have a chance to see what it would have been like; I am pretty sure I would gamble on it just to know what it feels like to be part of my birth family.It reminds me of that Elton John song. "I might just be the lunatic you're looking for". I would have loved to lie on my stomach in flannelette pajamas watching cartoons with my brothers or aligning myself with my brothers against the world.I would have loved to dance with my father at my wedding. I would have loved to curl up in my mother's lap at the end of a crummy day. But it was not to be.They have gone through things I will never be apart of. It's a lost realm. I had the awareness my whole life that there were people out there. My people. My blood. My ancestors long gone guided me to them in my mind.It all happened for a reason and what doesn't destroy you makes you more aware and stronger so for that I am thankful. So many people hunt their whole lives and don't get the opportunity so I am fortunate. I know that. I just hope in the future there are better answers but only time will tell.I know there are children out there who are suffering in their biological families. They feel disconnected, neglected and abused. We have a responsibility to do better. I think we are all aware of that.I think that having a dialogue about the issues of adoption is a good thing but it certainly doesn't mean we have the option on suffering. That's what keeps me sane. I need to be thankful for what I have been given. I am lucky enough or was persistence enough to find my family. If I had it to do all over again knowing what I know now I would still do it.I hope that I can help others in the same situation by at least letting them know they aren't crazy or alone in what they are feeling. But I can't save them from their pain or frustration. Everyone has to make that journey if they so choose on their own. It's certainly not a well marked path. There are so many pitfalls and it's take courage and tenacity to see it through.It's not to be taken lightly that's for sure.
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Thank you for saying that Moonbeam. Knowing that sharing what I went through has helped you, and maybe others, well...thanks. You made my day a little brighter.
And, I sooo get that feeling of begging too. I hated that feeling. It just takes time to get over it, and you will...in time. Hugs to you guys.
I had the awareness my whole life that there were people out there. My people. My blood. My ancestors long gone guided me to them in my mind.
I hope he finds his way back to you. My whole life I knew there were people out there. I would lean on that. That someday I would find out and when I did I landed. I knew that I had a "tribe". I am not native but I wanted to know my people.
It's weird because before I found them I had little to go on. My adopted mother gave me no clue. She wouldn't even address the subject. She had no insight because of her own fear of being abandoned. She came by that honestly.
She had been disjointed from her family as well but not adopted. I looked after her emotionally in many ways. I have always been pretty open emotionally. People sometimes said "You wear your heart on your sleeve." What else can you do when you are constantly searching.
I found them mainly because of an argument with my adopted mother when she dismissed my questions. She made a sarcastic comment about two old women that lived next door and that got me to thinking about the past. It turns out the two old women were maiden aunts and their niece my mothers close friend was the person who told me the name I needed. It was the maiden name of the woman who is my biological great aunt and who also arranged my adoption.
Her niece came to live with her and my adopted parents were looking for a baby. I came along. My mother had a sister who was still in high school when she was pregnant and shortly after my Aunt died of cancer I found her and my father almost to the day of my conception it turns out. Between Christmas and New Year's. So there are stars out there and being open to the what the world whispers sometimes guides us.
Good luck with your boy.
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Thank you.We did find each other and it is beautiful and profound.He is currently under great pressure to minimise what we are to each other by his adoptive mother who is throwing everything at him, including the reminder of the conditionality of her love, so I have to step back and become invisible again while he suffers deep pain for his simple wish to have us all in his life.