So sad and confused

Dear Jenn,I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and your b-mom. Everything you wrote about your feelings are totally normal. You have much, much to grieve for. The loss of your b-family, the loss associated with your seizure disorder, the lack of solid parenting via your a-parents, your b-father's disinterest in you, the lack of support from your a-father regarding your search and reunion, being lied to about your b-mom's death - especially when you so desperately needed her, not having the opportunity to tell your b-mother how much you love her. And seeing yourself absent from family photos solidifies that sense of loss even more. I'm glad to hear that at least you husband is trying to understand - there is an article that focuses on partners of adoptees in the following Post-Adoption Resource Centre [URL="http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/partners-of-adoptees-nov20061.pdf"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/partners-of-adoptees-nov20061.pdf[/URL] . And there is an online group dedicated to adoption-related bereavement [URL="http://www.foundandlostsupport.com/"]Found and Lost Support Home[/URL] but I've heard that it's been difficult for newbies to join (I think the moderator of the site is a bit ad hoc). All I can suggest is that you find support since grief work can be very difficult. I would also suggest that your partner find support too since it may be challenging for him to know what to do amidst your grief. I did a huge, huge combo of psychologists, pastors, acupuncturists, bereavement support groups, adoptee support groups, online adoption forums, tons of books, and even despite my extensive support network, I felt like a flattened slug on hot pavement for a good several months. My grief work over adoption-related bereavement was 10 times harder than the sudden death of close adoptive family members. I think the difficulty has a lot to do with the fact that adoption-related stuff cuts so deep and yet is so unrecognized in society. Alot of people may wonder, "you didn't even know your b-family so why are you feeling so sad?". While I recognize that this attitude is just based on lack of information, I wish people would be as accepting and empathetic towards adoptees the way they are towards people who suffer miscarriages. I'm not trying to put you off or freak you out. Just sharing my own experience and to let you know that the confusion and grief associated with adoption bereavement can be enormous for some people. Hopefully at least knowing that 'one other flattened slug exists' may help in case you get hit by a tidal wave of emotion and wonder whether it's normal. It is. Feel free to ramble on via these forums - I've found them IMMENSELY helpful and hope that you will too. Even if others don't reply much, there are many people here who silently empathize with your journey.

Hi Jenn, I think Ripples has pretty well summed up everything pretty well as she usually does lol. You certainly do have a lot to be angry about and as suggested, you really need to talk to someone. It isn't selfish to feel angry about not being in any of the pictures. Looking at my own bmothers photos, I can see how close she is to her family and it is hard to know I will never be part of those memories. I think you will find you have lots of feeling of anger, grief about all sorts of things maybe even things you probably didn't think you would feel anger/grief about. This is why it is good to talk to someone, just verbalising it helps. If you keep reading stories on these forums, you will find there are a million different stories under the sun. I live in a country where adoption records have been unsealed so I really feel for a lot of adoptees in the US in sealed record states who may never know who their parents are. It sounds to me like your bmother's hubby is an OK bloke and hopefully you will be able to have a good talk to him one day and really talk things through. It must be reassuring for you to know that your bmother did have someone like that in her life. It sounds like she went through a pretty bad time earlier in her life. I hope that you and your husband are able to get the help you need in processing all this stuff and I will be interested to know how things go so hopefully you will keep posting on these forums.

Thank you so much for the reply. I am thinking of starting a few books, and some much needed therapy- that honestly, I probably needed years ago. My aparents were way too proud to put me in therapy and I so desperately needed it, just for the transition of being an older and abused adoptee. The grieving is very real. It is extremely hard, and at this point mine is very new and raw. I'm one of those that buries things, and I've come to terms that this is one thing that can not be buried, and I'm not sure how to work it out, so for that I will have to seek counseling. Typing down my feeling here help tremendously, just knowing someone out there does know what it feels like, and I'm not getting the"crazy" eyebrow raise that I know some of you have probably seen, if you mentioned mourning someone you've never met. I have searched my soul, and the one thing I think hurts the very most, is from the time I was little I waited to meet my mother. I waited to wrap my arms around her neck and tell her that no matter what her reason, or the state's reason, that she was my mother- and that I have thought of her ALL of my life, just as I was sure she had to think of me ... Whether good or bad thoughts. There is a bond between mother and child, I know... I have one. I wanted to know her thoughts. Did she suffer wondering about me? Or did she live in peace thinking I had a better life? I had a horrid life, however I had it set in my heart to tell her it was wonderful, because I couldn't bear to tell her as a mother myself, that her daughter grew up from one home to the next. When I found out she was dead... All of these thoughts I had since I was a little girl until I grew to this 32 yr old woman, came crashing down at my feet. It was much easier to process the fantasy that one day meeting, than the never will. I think that is what makes the grieving process of this so hard. Jenn

Hi, I understand about wanting to know your bmother's thoughts. I was a total secret (at least to her family and friends back home; I was born while she was on a working holiday overseas) so I have absolutely no idea whether my bmother thought about me since the adoption and she died when I was 16. I just sometimes feel that my bmother may not approve of me contacting her family. They have all been extremely kind so far but I do wonder whether they think they might be being "disloyal' to their sister by getting to know her "secret" daughter. Therefore, I sort of feel that I would be arrogant to even think about what she might have thought about my adoption; however, I really wish I had some idea. I'm sorry that your adoptive situation wasn't as good as it could be. My own adoptive situation was pretty OK. I actually have 3 adopted brothers and sisters. However, I can't even really talk to any of them about how I feel, even though my older brother&sister's mother (they are twins) is deceased as wall. My sister isn't interested at all. Can your bmother's husband give you any insight into how your bmother felt? Btw if you ever want to pm me about things you might not want to say on a public forum, I would be happy to hear from you. I find there is a lot of things I can't say on the public side of the forums that I can say to some of the very nice contributors on these sites.

Hi there,I understand, haha. I had an aunt that committed suicide close to when my biological family made contact with me. I was 14 and far too young for all that I came to encounter. My aunt had a psychotic disorder that has genetic implications and it scares the living bejesus out of me. No one that I have ever shared this with has ever understood. They don't understand how I can grieve someone I never met or knew, or how I can be so concerned that I may end up like her as well. My biological mother is one of many things, but insane is a good way to sum it up. My adoptive mom doesn't understand why I put up with many of the things that I do from my biological mom. My b-mom has asked me to help parent my younger b-sister, is very in and out of my life and has never really had a successful job or relationship. I still love her...

Jenn~ they aren't crazy emotions! you are normal!!! your life started before you had a say! I have found my 1/2 siblings here, and it's been good but hard all at the same time. My BM died early in life and told no one who my dad was. hang in there!!!