managing a disruption

What do they think? I think I'd worry about having a younger child in the home with him.

it is a concern with the girls, particularly the little one. When he goes into rage my 16 year old has to collect H and our puppy and put them in her room so that they are safe. A few months ago my youngest daughter told her preschool teacher that she was worried about me and wanted to tell T not to yell at me any more. that made me cry. We spend a lot of our time keeping T seperated from H because of the arguing and he gets agressive. It's stressful, all the time.

I can understand where your guilt comes from because I'm sure you really thought he'd be a good fit before moving in. It's not your fault that the diagnoses came after you had already said yes. I cannot imagine living with all that frequent aggression and yelling and it's got to be hard on the whole family. In your shoes, I would request that they start looking for another family that would be a better fit. Definitely don't beat yourself up. (((hugs)))

Do you have family based mental health services in place for him? Our team has been incredible for all of us. They are at our home 2-4 days a week working with our son and with us. They come out during rages as needed to help us all handle things. We've learned a lot as parents, T has grown a lot as a person due to their help. As an added bonus, that may be a good way to help transition yours into a new home if that's what ends up happening, since they may be able to shift their services with him... giving him some good continuity of care.

Giving that 'good continuity of care' is a good idea. Frankly, if there's a lot of yelling and agression now, I wouldn't wait a few more months. If your other children are making remarks about him and feeling unsafe, then there's no reason to continue to make 'bad memories' for them. No need to feel guilty. You didn't bring on these problems in any way, shape or form. The system and the biologicals...but especially the system (IMO) brings on the problems, failing to remove the children in a prompt time frame and especially refusing to terminate parental rights quite quickly. THOSE are the groups who should feel guilt! Sincerely, Linny

Thank you for the suggestions. He does get full-wrap around services but sometimes it just feels like glorified, well-paid daycare. He has made improvements since moving here, but for our measure of a home the improvements aren't quite enough. I mean he yells somewhat less, he throws things somewhat less - but he still yells and throws things, weekly if not daily. At home, school, and with the social services agency. And Linny, thank you for your email, I've been mulling over what you've said and know you're right.

Hi-We disrupted an adoption 3 weeks ago. We have a 4 and 2 year old (both adopted), and were placed with a 22 month old and newborn. The new children were perfect in every way, but you know what? My dh and I could not parent 4 kids 4 and under. All we managed to do was have the TV on and heat up a frozen pizza for dinner. We couldn't take them out of the house safely. We couldn't give them all the 1:1 attention that they all needed and deserved. We couldn't be the parents we wanted to be. We tried for 8 days, and then called the agency to find new adoptive parents for the new kids. The new kids are now with a new family and doing very well. It was the totally correct thing to do- for everyone involved. I feel that you should consider letting the case workers know now that you are thinking of disrupting. If you feel that your home is not the ideal place for this child, then it is unfair to you, your current children, and this child to continue. It's OK to say that this isn't working and it's time to look towards a better solution. It's OK to decide that enough is enough as it is now.Disrupting is so, so hard. Personally, I had a lot of pressure from the private agency, my husband, my family, and my husband's family to continue with the adoption. I slipped into a depression after 5 days with the new kids...stopped eating, stopped sleeping...and it was only after speaking to a counselor who was removed from everything that I realized that disruption was exactly the right thing to do. Again, these kids were perfect- no behavior problems- it just wasn't right for our family.Feel free to PM, Natalie

Thanks for your words Natalie, you hit on a few of the things we're feeling - guilty because we don't seem to be able to provide exactly what he needs, pressure from everyone, disapointment in ourselves, over-all grouchiness, depressed, tired, etc.

Jokimo-Yes, the guilt is there. I feel guilty for thinking we could handle 4 kids 4 and under in the first place, guilt for not being the "supermom", guilt for not sacrificing everything to make it work. And it's that last bit that was a trap for me. Sure, I could have raised all those beautiful children, but I would have given up everything else. It would have put an extreme stress on my marriage, I would have had to give up my career, I would have had to give up the little bit of time I had for myself, I would have had to give up the 1:1 time I was providing to my current children. My counselor told me that I had the right to a "healthy life", and that hit home with me. I had the right to a "healthy life", and so did my husband, my 2 current children, and the 22 month old and newborn.It makes total sense to me that you would be feeling disappointment, depression, fatigue, etc. Those seem like NORMAL and HEALTHY reactions to your current situation. We are now about 5 weeks post disruption. Things are significantly better than they were just 3 weeks ago. It was the best decision. Period. I wish things could have been different, but they weren't. What I wanted reality to be and what it was were 2 different things. I hope things begin to get better, or that you and your dh find a way to place this child into a home that is more prepared for him. I feel for you and your family so much during all this. (((Hugs)))Natalie

Hey Joskimo, sorry I just saw this! You know the nightmare we went through before, and we moved forward with an adoption because of the "guilt". Now I have 10x the amount of guilt because he hurt my children and I can't take that back. People applying pressure don't have to live with lifelong consequences. It seemed I had to talk myself into it, kwim? It's not easy at all, I know. I think he's had multiple prior placements/disruptions, right? So you aren't the only one who doesn't feel equipped to parent him. Don't let guilt keep you in a bad situation. Like I've said before, we just weren't born with a big S on our shirt and only you know what you and your family can and can't handle. :-) Feel free to PM if you need support.

Again, thank you all for your words, it's helpful to hear from people who have been there because so few have. He did move today, it was hard and I cried a lot. I know in the long run it's right for us and I have to believe that this is the first step to getting him a family more suited for him, I am hopeful that the state is more honest and upfront about his needs then they were with us though.

Big ((((HUGS)))) for you today. It sounds like you are making a positive step for everyone, even though it hurts. The heartbreak does start to heal. Keep in mind it's OK to grieve this loss. Even though it was your choice, it is still a true loss.Thinking of you and your family,Natalie