Some questions *1 for the biomoms out there*

I don't know what happened, but for the sake of the child involved, you and bmom do need to work things out. Good luck.

Can you say what exactly happened? Not knowing the circumstances, it's hard to give advice. I would say just based on what you said, no, it's not wrong to want to talk to her. It sounds like you need to clear the air and come to some sort of understanding.

me and biomom are like water and oil. LOL We can get along until something comes along and shakes things than we don't mix well. I have SO many mix emotions, but my gut and heart are telling me to try to talk to her face to face, which is the oppsite of how we talk. I think we really need to set down and talk, just the 2 of us no one else, cause no one else needs to be there or hear what is being said. I need to learn to hold my mouthy typing fingers. I did things the wrong way and I amit that. There are days I want to scream and don't want to give 2 ****s, but other days I want to work something out cause biomom gave me my oldest daughter which I'm very greatful for! Ahh!! Why can't I just remove feelings... lol:confused:

First, remember there are NO bad people here. As a birthmom this really stuck out. One thing that I have to say is don't approach this as she "gave up" her child! Nothing will upset a birthmom more (me included) when this is said! I know I didn't give her up. I placed her with a family that would give her all that I could not! I loved her enough to put my needs aside and think of hers. And believe me.. I DID and DO love my girl. With that said, I believe that there needs to be realistic boundries set. One thing that made it easier for her Mom and I is the letters we sent over the years. When we did meet, we were such good friends that it was a natural progression to where we are now. But, I made the boundries that I was NOT her Mom. I would be her friend. If you want to email me - maybe I can help. We have been reunited not for 7 years and established a wonderful relationship where we know where we stand.

I agree with Nancy....from your first two sentences, it makes it seem like you believe in a dichotomy in which one of you "must" be the bad guy, and since it's not you, then it must be your daughter first Mom. (Not saying you do believe this, just how it might come across). Did you "step up and become that little girl's Mom" to be a hero? Or did you do it to become a Mother? I'd guess to become a Mother. But that's another way what you wrote could be perceived. All that to say, that I think your intentions seem good. You want to patch things up with your daughters first Mom and you want to have a conversation with her - which I think is a good choice. Having said that, maybe you do need a little bit of a buffer - perhaps a mediator? Someone neutral and not invested in your relationship. I know you said no one else needs to be there, but perhaps it would help you (and first Mom) keep your cool, if necessary. You say that you did things the wrong way, and that you admit that. Did you admit that TO your daughters first Mom? If not, I think you definitely should - that would likely go a long way, and I think it would be a great jumping off point for a discussion about roles, boundaries, etc. What are YOU going to do? What would you like to see first Mom to do? What do you want the relationship to look like? Etc. Re: the dangling DD in first Mom's face....As a first Mom, sometimes it can FEEL like that, even if it's not the intent. You can FEEL like there's this bar of behavior that you have to reach to be "worthy" of seeing your child, or getting updates on your child. Rather than push against those feelings she's having, perhaps ask her (calmly and without getting defensive) why she feels that way. What she thinks could be done so that she doesn't feel that way. Then (again, calmly and without getting defensive) explain your perspective. I think it will take work on both your parts, but I do think this can be a productive conversation! (Though, like I said, I do think it probably has more likelihood of success if you can do it with a mediator of some sort).

I apoligized to biomom a couple of days after my emotionals got the best of me and I calimed down and saw that what I did was wrong. I don't feel that biomom is the bad person and the choices in words wasn't the best to use. (I think this is alot of my problems talking with others is because I use the wrong words) Biomom used the term "give up" in the first email that was sent to us telling us to drawl up adoption paperwork. So I use it when talking to others. I don't want to come accross as dangling anyone in front of anyone. She is who she is I can not change that. I do feel that biomom walked away from her daughter though. DD's needs were taken care of by her father and biomom had regular visitations (living in the same town). How do you say ok I feel that it'll be better if I don't see my child anymore and this will be the best for her. How can you sign your rights over and than expect to have contact with the child when you had contact. I don't understand that. (Biomom wasn't homeless or going to be homeless) What would be some realistic boundries? Yes I know and I respect that biomom gave birth to dd and without her dd wouldn't be here. :grr: I just don't know!

Walking away CAN be done with the intent to let her daughter get on with her life. It doesn't need to be done maliciously as for boundaries who will instigate visits? In what forum? phone? mail? email? How much advanced notice is required? How many times per year minimum/maximum? In what town(s)? Who is responsible for cost of visitation? What will occur if someone moves? Who is allowed to be at the visits? Do you get the right to approve any additional guests? Do you have the right to supervise? partially supervise? do you have concerns regarding alcohol at visitation, smoking, pets, etc? What if they don't show up? cancel at last minute? Phone calls: Permitted? if so, how often? Prescheduled or not? How late? Family gatherings can she request attendance at other gatherings? Pictures: shared how often? who can take them? how often will you send? is she allowed to make copies? who can she give them to? Presents: Do you have a limit/concerns about how many things she gives? what about other family members? thats a start

Sounds like there is a history of hurt and for this I am sorry. As an adoptee I have struggled with some of the same questions you ask (how can you walk away from your child?) It is good that you can verbalize your feelings even though they may come out in the wrong way. I have read posts where many APs are angry about the harm that their children experiences prior to going into foster care while livong with less than responsible Bparents. I wish I could wave a wand and make everything alright. If you would like to chat feel free to pm privately. May I be bold enough to suggest that you take a break beofre communicating with Bmom. I don't think you see Bmom as a bad person, maybe she made some "bad choices" or maybe not. I do not know this but clearly you are upset. Sometimes we just have to go easy and take a brak in order to seperate the actions(choices) from teh person. All too many times when a choice is made it is the best that person is capable of doing. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. EZ

who will instigate visits? In what forum? phone? mail? email? How much advanced notice is required? How many times per year minimum/maximum? In what town(s)? We live in the same town. Who is responsible for cost of visitation? What will occur if someone moves? Who is allowed to be at the visits? I fore see getting my *** chewed on this one Do you get the right to approve any additional guests? Do you have the right to supervise? partially supervise? do you have concerns regarding alcohol at visitation, smoking, pets, etc? What if they don't show up? cancel at last minute? Phone calls: Permitted? if so, how often? Prescheduled or not? How late? Family gatherings can she request attendance at other gatherings?DD sadly dosen't know any other family other than biomom and a halfsister Pictures: again fore see being told that biomom is dd mom and she can take what ever pictures she wants shared how often? who can take them? how often will you send? is she allowed to make copies? who can she give them to? Presents: Do you have a limit/concerns about how many things she gives? what about other family members? Very good questions and alot I would not of came up with myself, but there are alot that have been asked before and I've been told that I don't have a say because dd is biomom's daughter rather I like it or not and I need to respect that Why ask for attandce at other family gatherings, if she wanted this she shouldn't of signed her rights to me. There is a fine line, if a biomom wanted dd in her life she shouldn't of signed over her rights away. I'm sorry you can't act like nothing happened when someone signs their rights away to there child. JMO If nothing changed but being responsible to pay child support, than there be ALOT of adoptions out there.

In the past 3 months I have been told this almost a thousand times my biomom and the new boyfriend over and over. I respect biomom it might not sound like it, but I do as much as a person can when they are getting disrepected over and over again. Respect goes both ways. It's just hard and very tiring, but I do it for my daughter cause I hate seeing her upset. I wish I could do counsling easily, but I don't have insurnce or the extra money right now to go. DD sees a therapist though with all that has gone one. Talking with others has helped alot though! I like hearing others opinions and others have to say that arn't affaird to say things. =)