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Hiya guys,
There's another post on the 'Getting Started' board that mentioned references and on what the person might say. Here's my response to her mentioning using her clergy as a reference. I bring it here because I'm LDS and others might be able to help.
I'm always worried about the 'clergy' option. I am LDS and the church doesn't approve of single people adopting. I am fairly close to my former bishop (we change out local leaders every 3-5 years, pulling from local members) and the current one I'm getting closer to, but I'm terrified they will downplay my skills in an effort to force me to consider more 'mainstream' options for becoming a parent. Every time I brought it up to my former bishop, he told me I should be more proactive...going to church singles events (an impossibility, nearly, because they're always too far away or more for young adults. I feel old when I do make it.) or waiting for an 'event' which brings me someone special.
He wasn't impressed when I mentioned I didn't want to wait because I feared being fifty before I found someone. That would be too late to be a biological parent, at least that's what I thought at the time.
I am thirty-six (37 in Oct) and I'll be 39 when I graduate school and probably 40 before I even do the actual start to the whole adoption thing. If I meet someone, great, but I don't want to have to be locked into waiting for something that 'might' happen. I've prayed about it and I don't believe God wants me to wait. He wants me to find a companion for life, but he also wants me to be a father.
I have a few friends who could be used as references. I hate blind references, though. I understand they need to be allowed confidentiality, but I'm paranoid about what they might say. They say to my face that they support my decision, but what if they try to sabotage it?
Okay, I'll stop meandering and leave ya'll alone.
David
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I am not LDS; however, I work for a company that is owned by 5 members of the LDS church, and because they do alot of their hiring through networking with the church, 90% of my co-workers are also LDS. Two of my bosses, both partners in the firm and bishops in the church, wrote reference letters for me and they did a wonderful job. I could not have asked for better letters!
Everyone here has been very supportive of my decision to adopt as a single parent. They were even supportive of my unsuccessful attempts to conceive via artificial insemination, and I know THAT must be against church doctrine! If they had any ill-feelings toward it, they never let it show, not even when asked to re-arrange my schedule for frequent dr. appts. (while doing AI) or when asked to be my references (for adoption).
In the 15 years I have worked for this company, I have found my LDS co-workers and bosses to be extremely kind, supportive and non-judgemental. Maybe it's different because I'm not a member of the church and so they don't feel a responsibility to guide me in the way of the church, but based on my experiences, I would say go ahead and ask your bishop. He may be more supportive than you think.
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As far as I know the LDs church isn't thrilled per se, with choosing to be a single parent, but it certainly isn't against it's teachings.
I'd say go for it, but have a very candid talk with your friends about supporting you and ask them if they don;t feel like they can be a good reference in supporting your adoption, then to let you know NOW that they don't want to do it.
The LDS church is definately NOT against IUI, or IVF.
If you don't feel that your bishop will support you, perhaps another ward member will? OR maybe even the stake president? Have a candid talk with them first, however. And let them know you feel inspired to pursue this. Plenty of kids need families. But parenting is dang hard...even when it's one kid and 2 parents. Maybe find out more specifically WHY they object?
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