Divorce After Adoption?

I have major issues with this. I think a lot women have kids and all of the sudden hubby is in the backseat. I promised myself I would NEVER do that. I love them both equally and different. My hubby was here first and therefore his needs are just as important to me. I honestly think putting my marriage first actually makes us better parents for our son. We are team united and very much in love and therefore we can both focus of DS because we are so tight. That's just a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Women make their kids their whole life and then they wonder why is their husband cheating? Or why did they let themselves go? Why is he leaving me? All of those things can happen no matter what but I can tell you it definitely wont be from me not giving my hubby my all.

See you're lucky, your husband can't really trade up :)I agree, my mother was the opposite though, put her husband first and that was tres annoying as well. I do think children learn how to love watching their parents; how they treat each other, how affectionate they are...My husband is not that affectionate, i'm scared my son is going to be Asexual! Plus it's important that adopted boys in particular see their fathers as "verile" particularly if there are only adopted children in the family. As his male role model, sexuality and masculinity come into play and since there is no evidence of sex (bio kids) affection is important. BTW I read that in a book, if anyone wants to know where i read it i can look around the house. But it makes sense to me!OMG i'm so sorry i got so off topic. so sorry to hijack. I've just started taking good care of myself again though and it's definitely contagious in a lot of ways :dance:

You sound like my mom :D She made no secret that my dad came first, while still treating me in high esteem ;)

My husband and I are best friends as well. It's been 18 years and it's not boring. He will be there after my kids grow up and leave so we tend to our relationship. We still talk a lot, we make time to go out on dates. Even if we don't get farther than the front porch, LOL. We do sometimes manage to get to sonic and sit in the car and talk while we have a soft drink. Ocassionally we even get to a restaraunt. Our marriage is a priority, yes the kids are important to, but the plan for the is that they will grow up and get thier own lives, and while I will be a part of thier lives, I won't be int he middle of their lives anymore.

Haha.... That's so sweet!!! Now if you could just tell hubby that would be great :) DannieAS - Sounds like you were happy and turned out good? I think mom definitely had it righ :D

ThisMommy - if you are still friends and get along you have the BEST basis for a marriage you can have. Seriously. I've been married 20 years....our first kids came to us when we'd been married 12 years. By then, I'd seen SEVERAL of my friend's marriage's crumble. But only ONE broke my heart. They divorced because they were tired of arguing who brought home the milk or cooked dinner. They actually scheduled a "romantic rendevous" on their wedding anniversary AFTER they divorced - they were THERE on so many levels. Young children are demanding, and tiring. They change the dynamic in your relationship. It's not that the baby is #1 - and your relationship is #2 - but that you MIGHT be ignorig your relationship with him altogther. Passion - yes, we can still ignite. Most of the time though - we text, email, and banish our kids to another room for 5 minutes to make sure we are on the same parenting page. MY DH is a known quanitity. I love him. He's my best friend He annoys they ever-lovin' *&^( out of me some days - and I probably do the same to him MOST days. He doesn't parent the way I do. Sometimes, he's better. Somtimes (I like to think MOST of the tme) I'm better. Mostly though - we're on the same page. We try to be romantic - but it mostly doesn't work. There is always a babysitter to pay, a time to "be back by". We still love each other - and the thought of dating - BLECH. It's all part of having kids. Your investment in your marriage WILL pay off. My 8 year olds remind me to kiss their Dad before I leave - or he does - and then pretend to be grossed out. But it's not convincing with a smile on their face. He's moved out - so he's made a decision. But if he hadn't - I'd say, if you can stay friends....stick it out. I walked in on my PARENTS when I was 18 making out on their bed (super creepy) but worse, was my Mom coming up to apologize..... staying together "just for the kids" is dumb but getting divorced "just because it isn't fun" IMHO is just as dumb Good luck!

yup.....and they still hold hands in public and will kiss and stuff....I mostly roll my eyes and tell them to get a room :arrow: To the OP (thismommy i believe) if decisions have been made already as he is already living somewhere else, it's harder, but I still would try to push for some counseling. There are some landmark years that are just rough for marriages.....this could be one of them for you guys.

Here is my two cents worth on the topic of divorce. (These comments are about a marriage without abuse. A marriage with abuse is dangerous and the most important issue is safety.) Many people have seen divorce as "freedom". In my opinion, it is a loss of freedom. You will lose the right to choose who will be in your son's life. You cannot choose who your ex will date/marry. You will not be able to choose (aside from abuse) how your son will be treated in Dad and new stepmom's home. You will have to share your son on holidays. You may want him to wake up in your home on Christmas morning but so will his dad. You may want him to be with you during the week for school and on weekends for fun stuff but you will have to give up one or the other. I have no idea why you chose to adopt ( whether it was fertility issues or not) but you may someday have to help your son cope with the fact that his dad has bio children with new stepmom. You will lose 50% of the decision making rights for your child. Divorce (even those that are initially amicable) rarely are amicable forever because your needs are contradictory. You want to spend holidays with your son, he wants to spend holidays with your son. You probably want child support to financially help support your child, he (and new wife) want as much money in their household budget as possible. Rarely are these issues agreed upon totally where there are no arguments. If you choose to divorce, you may find someone new but will that possible "happiness" be enough to counteract all these other issues that are typical with divorce? Your son may say someday "Why did you adopt me just to get divorced and shuffle me back and forth between homes?". No judgement here- I have been where you are. Divorce is no picnic.

LoveMyMaggie...so well said! I went through so many of those things EXACTLY how you said as a child coming from divorce....though my Dad NEVER did remarry.....it was ALWAYS awkward trying to enjoy my Step-Father's extended family...as well as watch the jealous and uncomfortable life my step-siblings had when they came to visit us. There was always this under lying feeling of loss....it was hard on the whole family, but especially my Mom...who has never got over the guilt for putting her kids through all of that. My StepDad also had guilt and he tried hard to make things up to HIS Kids when they came over...which I could understand...but his kids took it like they were just "visitors" to our home...the rest of us kids, my Mom's kids took it as if we were less important because they were being showered gifts and extra attention...always and still today...there is a loss....an under lying pain that all of us kids carry...yes we did adapt to the best of our ability to our circumstances...but around holidays and around occasions...I still today see the pain in my Mom's and Step-Dad's face that somehow things just aren't as they should be...my Dad(who adopted me at birth) passed away back in 1997 and things at least for my Mom and Step-Dad improved because he no longer felt threatened and she no longer had a constant reminder of the divorce...as that chapter was closed. It helped a bit, but then it was replaced for my Mom with another kind of guilt...would her ex-husband still be alive had she been still married to him...he passed away because he got diabetes and ate awfully..and my MOM was a great cook....so again she felt somehow responsible....as he was the Father of her kids and in her mind the divorce caused him to not take care of himself. I try as I might to tell her its not her fault...but still she at times feels bad about the whole situation. She THOUGHT divorce was the best option for her YET it turned out to be the wrong thing...not just for us kids but for her. Now don't get me wrong her second marriage to Step-Dad is fine...but all the guilt of what my Mom did just continues to plague her...some of my siblings too are not close to my Mom because of the whole situation. So YES divorce isn't a picnic..unless you like a nice picnic over run with ants.... So I couldn't agree more! IF you have to divorce it should be for a VERY important reason...not just something fixable....

We are also HS sweet hearts. We have been together 19 years now. I am my DH only girlfriend EVER. I had other boyfriends in HS, but nothing *serious.* I have had several times where I have become dangerously close to throwing it all away for passion. I know my DH wouldn't leave me if I was to step outside the marriage (once), but that just makes me respect him more and therefore prevents me from doing something I KNOW I would regret later. In marriage, I don't believe in love in the traditional way. I love my DH the same way I love my mom and my kids. That pure family type love.What's important in a marriage (since it can be for such a long -at times daunting- time) is that you LIKE the person to whom you are married. I have seen love twisted by too many people to make that the basis of my relationship. People who stay in, or continue to go back to, marriages that are abusive, disrespectful.... all because they "love" their spouse. In my head, you can only like someone if they treat you well and you have fun together. Love tends to muddy the waters.Do you still like your DH? If yes, I say give it a chance. There is a reason that 2nd, 3rd... marriages are less likely to work out. It's because the same issues come up again in the new relationship with the same result. Divorce.I believe in marriage and I believe there is a time for divorce. My DH came from a great set of parents who were divorced when he was 10. It can be done. But I have never, ever heard anyone say that divorcing made things easier for the spouses. It just complicates them in a different way (figuring out visitations, holidays,decision for kids...)Anywho, good luck with your future. I hope you all have peace with whatever decision you make.Nora

I agree. The greatest gift we can give our children is to love one another. BTW, my marriage may be a lot of things but boring is not one of them.

First of all good luck with whatever decision you make. I was very young when we were married, although DH is 8 years older and it is his second marriage. We were married almost ten years before we adopted our DD's (a year ago). Our marriage has been through a lot ... including my 'boredom' with it. And we are going through another evolution now with little kiddos at home. Even if you still put your spousal relationship first it changes when you have kiddos in the mix. There are only so many hours in the day. But divorce has its own set of complications, especially with kids. You never 'get rid' of the ex-spouse when you have kiddos together. You still have to include them in about everything and you have to put up with all of the decisions that they make as well (who to see, how to parent, etc.) I say this as a stepmother of almost 11 years that knows more about what my husband's exwife is up to than members of my family because we raise a kiddo together. I guess I am saying it is your choice and only your choice and who really is to say what is better or not ... but really think through all of the ramifications of what the decision will bring into your life.

I met my DH when I was 16 and in high school and He was 19 and a freshman in college...I had NEVER had a boyfriend, so he was and still is my one and only...DH had a few girlfriends...but no one serious...except me...I can say that my entire relationship with him..neither of us ever thought of relationships outside of our marraige...EVER! I think for us the reason comes down to the fact that he and I BOTH really don't like anyone except each other..and yes I agree "liking" your spouse is so important..I always tell my boys that liking someone is more important sometimes then loving them...love can wane and change..but friendship remains more stable....in the hard times when I truly "thought" my love for my DH wasn't there anymore...I always still "liked" him...my Mom married my Step-Dad and loves him, but doesn't like him that often...that has always been a hard thing for her to deal with. HOW does one stay married to someone they don't like? I feel like that would be so much harder then a love that has faded. I can say from experience after 22 years with my DH, 17 of them as a married couple...I am glad I stuck it out. Yes, there is hard times during a marriage..but honestly....being adopted on one side, coming from divorced parents and having a MOM, Step-Dad, Dad-who I would find out late "adopted" me and a birthFather I never knew PLUS all the other things life throws us....and yeah know what...I feel like DH and I have been through so much over the years...that we SHARE a VERY long history..and that is something that will be impossible to EVER create with another man other then DH...we share kids and history....something that makes me love him more when I think of all that we have done TOGETHER.....My Dad always told me that the most important things in life are "memories" and fun times with those we love....that this was all we could take with us when we passed away from this life...and all of that would not be possible with a divorce.....

SupaModel said: I think a lot women have kids and all of the sudden hubby is in the backseat. I promised myself I would NEVER do that. I love them both equally and different. My hubby was here first and therefore his needs are just as important to me. I honestly think putting my marriage first actually makes us better parents for our son. We are team united and very much in love and therefore we can both focus of DS because we are so tight. Couldn't agree more. Parenting has strengthened my marriage because we have focused, among other things, on knowing we can't parent without the other. We are each other's priority and therefore, can make our kids a priority as well. Married almost twelve years, and sometimes it isn't that exciting because life in general isn't that exciting, but it is never boring because we work at it. We consistently make time for ourselves alone a priority and we can always tell when we've let that time slip because that is when things get harder. So many times I've heard the cliche that "love is a choice"... to me, it's even more than that. Love is work. The good kind that pays off. Hope you can find a way through.

I am SUPER late joining this thread but I am curious as to what came of the OP's marriage? My husband, of almost 9 years, and I are in this same boat. Our relationship never developed intimately over the years and recently he hurt me so deeply with his actions and words that brought everything to a head. I too view him solely as a friend. There are so many more factors that are underlying as well. We are seeking a counselor but only because he wants to and asked me to go. We have a 2 year old that we adopted from Ethiopia, we brought him home a year and a half ago. I'm concerned that if we stay together only for him that I will end up having resentment towards his dad and our relationship will turn sour. Even if we are cordial in front of our son he will never see a loving relationship modeled for him for when he's married. I feel that it would not be fair to our son. Wouldn't it be better to have a great friendship and cordial relationship with his dad divorced than to stay together JUST for him? I have a friend who's parents did that, she's now 38 and her parents have been separated for 3 years now and says that her mom hates her dad now and she wishes that they would have divorced when she was younger b/c now her children are having to go through this with their grandparents.